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to ask if you regretted having two?

(78 Posts)
jumpinginthepvol Sat 13-Jun-20 20:46:58

I want one partner wants three children.

We are trying for our first baby.

I love children and have always dreamed of being a mother. I also fear I will be a bad mum due to my impatience. I am determined to do my best. I also struggle with insomnia and can't stand caos and screaming and have very little experience with kids. Hence why I think one is more suitable. I am one of three kids myself and I adore my siblings, I do however feel my parents were too inpatient and unhappy to give us the best childhood.

Did having two complicate things?
YABU- have two
YANBU -have one

OP’s posts: |
NowImLivinInExeter Sat 13-Jun-20 20:49:03

You haven't even had one baby yet, it is way to early to be thinking about it because you have no idea how you will feel and how motherhood will affect you.

I always said I wanted a big family and at least 3 children and I only have one and am 99% sure I dont want any more (and I have an easy child!). My best friend never wanted any and now has three and is pregnant with a fourth.

NowImLivinInExeter Sat 13-Jun-20 20:49:26

TOO early.

Sciurus83 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:53:10

See how you go with one pal! No need to be overthinking this now

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister Sat 13-Jun-20 20:54:46

Two is lovely imo. Three is a whole different kettle of fish!!!

FairyDogMother11 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:56:41

I always wanted a big family. I now have PTSD from the delivery, following a horrible pregnancy, and now I'm pretty certain DD is going to be an only. I'd love more babies if there were no pregnancy or labour involved but as it is, we're very happy with just the one. I'd take it as it comes because you never know how things will go!

Glendora Sat 13-Jun-20 21:02:54

I don't think you'll know until you have one whether or not you want more.

I didn't even want one, but then I did - so we had one. Then we wanted another one. So we did and stopped there (they're 7 & 4 now).

I found the shifts (from none to one and from one to two) incredibly hard, but in different ways. But I'm not a 'natural' mother/parent.

Still - glad (mostly!) we had them. They're brilliant and interesting and people in their own right now. Bloody hard work though...

MrMenGoSwimming Sat 13-Jun-20 21:02:59

We made the same compromise, only it was me who wanted 3 and he who wanted 1. Have 2, 2.5 years apart. Don't think I could handle 3 after all! I was a great mum to 1, but the first few years of having 2 were really hard going and I'm still exhausted and not very fun. They are 5 and 8 now and there is a lot of noise and fighting. I don't regret it, but it is quite different to what I observe of the one child families I know.

longtimecomin Sat 13-Jun-20 21:06:23

I had 2 and I'm happy with that number. 2nd birth was horrendous, I definitely won't have any more.

Mummyofmay2020 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:07:35

I personally would love a big family, esp as they get older and have each other for support and company during adulthood and I think me and OH will love it as we age/retire too. However so far we only have 1 and my labour was pretty traumatic, so that's made me think twice! I'd say see how you feel after 1! Feelings change smile

Bigfatspiders Sat 13-Jun-20 21:10:06

Definitely too dark to make the decision. My mum wanted 5 kids until she had me and My brother. She stopped there. 😂

Bigfatspiders Sat 13-Jun-20 21:10:23

🤔 *early.

Siennabear Sat 13-Jun-20 21:14:04

I think you need to see how you get on. I found the first year the hardest. It took just over 2 years before we were ready for a 2nd. We have 2 and that is definitely enough. They are lovely but it is full on.

crosser62 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:15:52

Having one nearly broke me physically and mentally.
After my first, I could not have even thought of going through it again.
The most difficult, demanding, challenging, destructive and painful event of my entire life.
No way I could have predicted how horrendous it would be.

Mum2jenny Sat 13-Jun-20 21:18:12

I wanted four, but after no 2 I wanted no more!!

Samtsirch Sat 13-Jun-20 21:19:10

You both will change so much once you have a baby, so wait and see.
There’s no point stressing about something in the future which may or may not happen.
Focus on trying for your first child and enjoying parenthood.
You don’t have to make big decisions like this right now, lots of circumstances may change after your first child ; work, finances, personal feelings etc.

Samtsirch Sat 13-Jun-20 21:20:40

@crosser62
That sounds beyond grim.
I hope you and your child are doing well now.x

rottiemum88 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:23:15

I don't think it's necessarily too early to think about where your limits are, as proven by so many posts on Mumsnet from women at odds with their partners because they can't agree on how many to have and left devastated.

I knew I only wanted one child and that feeling hasn't changed since having DS. DH knew my feelings and whilst he would have been happy to have 2-3 himself, he respected what I wanted and understood my position was unlikely to change. If he'd said to me before TTC our first that I might change my mind about having more then I'd have stopped and re-assessed whether it was wise for us to try at all, because it wouldn't have been fair to start our life as a family by giving him that false hope.

So I guess it depends, if you genuinely don't know how you feel yet then I'd say wait until baby is here and then decide how you feel about having another. But definitely have the conversation and make sure your partner is accepting of the fact it may never be more than one. If he just thinks he'll talk you round and you decide you don't want more, it's a recipe for everyone's unhappiness

Dk20 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:25:54

First pregnancy and labour were really difficult, I cried about the labour for a long time after. Had a difficult time with ds, he was diagnosed with autism and had loads of therapies to try and help him. He improved loads and once he started school we planned no 2.

Went to a different hospital for no. 2. Was treated completely differently throughout pregnancy and labour. Went much better than my first labour, even though this one was almost 11lb. Was so in love with no. 2 once we brought him home, everything was perfect. 3 months in I developed postnatal depression and have really struggled since. Have been to therapy and been on meds, I'm not who I was before and that's hard. But the baby is absolutely lovely, I love him to pieces and am so glad hes here.

formerbabe Sat 13-Jun-20 21:29:11

Have two...it's easier in a way as they have each other and you can hide from them without feeling guilty that they're alone grin Even the fact that they can eat tea together after school while I do other stuff is a bonus..if i had one, I'd feel like I'd have to sit with them.

I think three is really hard work though!

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h Sat 13-Jun-20 21:32:45

This is a crazy thread. When you're in the situation, think about it. You're doing the second baby a disservice by thinking of it as the second. Wait and ask all the questions you need to ask at the time.

Whatisinaname1223 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:34:20

Gosh I'm.so impatient and first was harder as u want them to grow up quickly. I had 2and as 1st was lonely 4 yr and 10 month in age gap. So dd1 started school in sept as dd2 arrived in nov. I'd only ever wanted 1 wouldnt be without 2and but bloody hard work x

Whatisinaname1223 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:34:46

Also dd1 and dd2 have played lovely together during lockdown

notheragain4 Sat 13-Jun-20 21:34:46

It's too early to say. I thought I wanted 3 or 4 before getting pregnant, I stopped at 2! I know women who have done the reverse. It's going to depend on the kind of parents you are (which you won't know yet), the temperament of the child you have, any change in circumstances. Just enjoy your baby and the crazy journey you're about to start, you have plenty of time to decide!

Iooselipssinkships Sat 13-Jun-20 21:38:13

I think having two saved in us lockdown. They're 8 and 12, boy and girl, and while they can't half fight and bicker they're the best of friends and would be lost without the other.

Not that they'd ever admit that ever.

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