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How do you handle tantrums?

(40 Posts)
StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:26:58

My daughter had her first ever tantrum today and I didn’t know what to do.
Luckily I was at my mums and not out in public.
It was over such a tiny and insignificant thing, I just left the room and left her to it but my mum and step dad pandered to her and I feel like it just made her hate me more for walking away. I’m terrified of this happening again in public.
What’s the best way to quickly diffuse a tantrum?

OP’s posts: |
HotStottie Sat 13-Jun-20 19:28:04

How old is she?

sauvignonblancplz Sat 13-Jun-20 19:29:42

Definitely tell your leave her be, it depends - I think distraction is good. I wouldn’t leave him to cry on his own. Mine is only 2 though so still quite young.

EssentialHummus Sat 13-Jun-20 19:30:09

Depends on age and location really but I tend to leave DD (2.5) to it if it’s of the “I want my banana but I don’t want my banana but I want my banana” kind.

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:32:06

Sorry she’s 6!

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ludothedog Sat 13-Jun-20 19:32:53

Leave her to it and don't give in. Walking away (assuming she is safe) is the right thing to do.

I remember once picking DD up from nursery at 5.30pm, busy time with all the parents arriving, and she had a massive tantrum at the front door. I left her on the floor kicking and screaming and calmly stood beside her without interacting. Parents were stepping over her to get in. No one judged. In fact I felt their solidarity and got those "been there" looks. After about 5mins she calmed down, and we walked home as planned. She quickly learned that tantrums don't work

Lamazey Sat 13-Jun-20 19:37:47

Usually I try desperately to distract, if that doesn't work then just cuddle til it stops. I've always tried to comfort him, but not give in to what he wants

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Sat 13-Jun-20 19:38:10

6?! Ignore.

RubyFakeLips Sat 13-Jun-20 19:39:59

I always think giving attention to a tantrum is just pouring petrol on the fire.

I think at 6 it's reasonable for you to just say, you will talk to her when she's calmed down and wait it out.

Silversun83 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:40:02

Impressed that she's never had a tantrum before!! shock

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:41:38

I think I mainly left because I thought I was going to cry!
I was also angry as I’m certain she’s far too old to be behaving like this. I just hope it was a one off and it won’t happen again.

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firstimemamma Sat 13-Jun-20 19:43:20

She's never had a single tantrum before and she's 6 years' old?! Wow! My ds has his first at ten months grin

Lamazey Sat 13-Jun-20 19:43:36

My DS is only 2 btw, at six then distraction probably won't work...id either go with ignore or cuddle, but never give in

Also don't worry about being in public, kids throw tantrums, it happens

2007Millie Sat 13-Jun-20 19:46:23

-Attempt to distract first
-Walk away for 1 minute and then come back
-"You are not making a good choice right now but how can I help"

Walk away for another minute and keep repeating until there is calm

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:49:23

She’s doing the dishes for me to say sorry grin

I think if it happens again I will just walk away. I’m far to reactive a person to handle it sensibly.
Although slightly relieved my mum didn’t go for the “what the fuck is your problem?” Approach that she used on us as kids grin

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sauvignonblancplz Sat 13-Jun-20 19:50:01

6?
You thought you were going to cry? Why?

SqidgeBum Sat 13-Jun-20 19:58:00

Wow! My DD threw her first at about 9 months. She is 18 months now and she goes through phases of throwing them for odd reasons ( for example she wanted her spoon, so I handed it to her, but then she didnt want the spoon 🤷‍♀️).

I usually ignore completely. I walk away. If she was older like your DD I would ignore and then speak to her once she has calmed down and explain that tantrums are not acceptable, and coax out of her answers to questions like 'what is a better thing to do if we feel angry?' (Take 5 minutes out to take a few breaths etc). If it's a public display, I would still ignore and then I would go with a discipline tactic of a naughty step when you get home or whatever method she responds to. I certainly wouldn't let it pass without action or comment.

But getting to 6 without a tantrum is pretty amazing. Hopefully it's just a once off.

AlmostAlwyn Sat 13-Jun-20 19:59:39

Well 6 is still young, with a developing brain and emotions. This article mentions toddler tantrums, but I think it can still apply here. What was the tantrum about?

sarahockwell-smith.com/2016/03/09/why-we-need-to-be-more-tolerant-of-toddler-tantrums/

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:08:21

It was because we had left a toy at home that she wanted to show my mum. I was supposed to bring it to the car, but after putting 3 year old and 8 month old in car I just completely forgot.
She just completely broke down, told me she hated me and I disgust her and she wished she lived with daddy (my husband died last year). It was so completely out of the blue and the language used was so unlike her and don’t know where she even heard these things.

OP’s posts: |
Gatehouse77 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:14:25

Under the circumstances I think you did the right thing. Sounds like she was overwhelmed with emotion and if you know you’re not in the right place to react calmly then to walk away and compose yourself is best.
If I could, my response would have been to cuddle her, apologise (once or at least not repeatedly) and wait for the tears to subside.

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:27:36

Would you a punish a tantrum? Eg, I said she couldn’t stay up and watch a film tonight after that tantrum as it wasn’t a nice way to behave and talk to me.

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VeniceQueen2004 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:32:36

If her dad died last year id be expecting a lot more acting out than that. I'd definitely talk to her tonight about the things she said and how she's feeling. Poor little kid 😢

Goldengirlllll Sat 13-Jun-20 20:35:24

What a stressful and horrible experience for you both.
I think it would be more helpful to think about why she felt like this. Goodness is it her dad that died? Only last year? After that and lockdown it’s shocking that she’s not had more “tantrums”.
Maybe see if you can carve out some special time just the 2 of you and see if you can get her to talk about how she’s feeling. Tell her it’s ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes and sad and that you still feel very sad sometimes too. Tell her lots of people find it easier when they talk about how their feeling even though it can be quite tricky to do this.
Have you had any support with your grief? I can’t imagine having to navigate it alone it must be overwhelming.

N4ish Sat 13-Jun-20 20:35:40

I wouldn’t punish that kind of tantrum - sounds like she’s emotionally overwhelmed and trying to deal with a lot of stuff.

StarScream22 Sat 13-Jun-20 20:47:51

Yeah it’s been a stressful year and a bit, found out I was pregnant just after he passed.
I have very mellow children, no signs of tantrums in the 3 year old either.
I think it may have been a mixture of tiredness and overwhelmed by visiting my mum as they haven’t seen each other in a few months. I’ll make sure we do something special tomorrow.

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