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Angry childish DH or Aibu?(56 Posts)
I meant to put this here in aibu but wrote it in relationships instead so I have just copied it here for more traffic
Can anyone please tell me your thoughts on this situation that happened recently. I have changed my name and I don’t want to give too much back story as I just want to talk about this one incident.
My DH came home from work last night, was in a normal/good mood. He and I went for a walk around our neighbourhood while the kids stayed home (they are almost 16, 11 & 9) had a great chat etc.
When we got home he was sitting in the lounge and my 16yo was in the kitchen, I heard him call our sons name repeatedly (a bit like that gopher meme that calls out Allan repeatedly) just constant Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason* (not his real name).
I poked my head around the corner from the hall and sort of smiled and said “really? Why don’t you just go and speak to him face to face?” Well then his face just darkened, he lifted his phone as if he was about the throw it but instead slammed it down on the couch then stomped to the kitchen and said to our son angrily “just tell me what you want for dinner so I can get it” my son sort of laughed and said “why are you angry at me, I haven’t done anything” then my husband was like ‘ok, so anything then, you want nothing, fine I’ll get you nothing for dinner’
We were just shocked at his childishness and he got more angry.
I went to our room as I was mad at him and he followed me and said are we going to talk about it or is this going to carry on all weekend.
Here’s the thing, in the past he used to to act like a jerk for days and then just seemingly get over it and be all happy and sunshine and if I was still standoffish due to being upset he would tell me that I’M the reason there’s still tension in the house as I was keeping the argument going.
So anyway, when he said that tonight I got my back up and calmly explained why he had upset me and I thought he was being unreasonable. He denied it at first then went quiet so I thought he understood.
I then went out for a little bit to get some space.
WHEN I got back 20mins later, he was mad at our 9yo, he told me why but it didn’t seem like a huge deal but I wasn’t there so didn’t see what had happened.
In the end, I’m sitting at the table eating and he’s trying to get our 9yo to go to his room. Our 9yo is crying and standing near me (to be fair he wasn’t listening about going to his room) and my DH went to climb over the table to get to him.
He was furious. He got mad at me for not holding our son so he could grab him and take him to his bedroom.
I told my DH enough and he got mad and went to our bedroom and we didn’t see him for the rest of the night.
When I woke up today he is at work and I’m a bit anxious about what his behaviour will be when he gets home.
Will he be remorseful and apologise or will he still be angry and tense and put us all on edge. I feel sick thinking about it.
So should I have backed my DH up? Not said anything to him about his behaviour? Was he being reasonable?
(There’s a few more details I have left out, mainly my DH talking to the 9yo so childishly)
I woildnt be having this behaviour.
He tried to climb over the table?
But to be fair, if he was shouting your son, why didn't your son respond? I am a bit confused about why you got involved.
But the whole thing with the 9 year old, sounds like the 9 year old was scared. Standing by you, crying.....getting angry and trying to grab him?
Not a chance would dp (not my sons dad) or exh (my sons dad) ever be allowed lunge at my son......or expect me to hold him so he could grab him. If either of them did that to mt son I woild be in the middle protecting my son and it wouldnt happen again.
This sounds very very off.
It's not acceptable for your DH not to be able to manage his emotions and then blame everyone else for it.
I would ask him what is going on with him and explain to him that his 9YO was scared of him. That is unacceptable.
Are you scared of him? Is that why you didn't respond?
I do not back my DH up when I feel like he is having more of a tantrum than the kids are. I don't contradict, because I'm not a perfect parent, but my silence means "you're being a dick" and he knows it, it takes the wind out of his sails.
Is he completely incapable of a reasonable discussion? Your 9 year old was obviously scared of him , that's not good. Did you get to the bottom of what had happened that warranted him being sent to his room ? Sounds like your dh needs anger management classes to me .
He sounds frightening to live with - he clearly has no control over his temper and expects the rest of you to just be ruled by the whims of his feelings. If this was a total one off I would assume something terrible had happened. If it’s regular, he is an abuser.
Honestly, it sounds like he's doing all the parenting whilst you just watch from the sidelines and criticise him.
I feel like if he were the mother and he posted here saying saying "I was asking my 16yo what he wants for dinner and my husband just mocked me" or "my husband just sat there whilst I was trying to get our defiant 9yo to go to bed" then the responses would be very different.
Sounds like you have an extra teenager op.. Can he parent like an average one or is this common?
You’ve obviously been married for a while and this behaviour was a bit out of nowhere...if it were me I would kick off (and we have a peaceful household where there are few arguments). This can’t go on and I would create a big shouty whirlwind to ask him what the fuck that was all about and why he’s being a monumental twat. I never want to walk on eggshells in my own home, and I don’t want that for my kids either so I would do anything to prevent it.
If he feels like he’s being criticised for his parenting then he should just say it - not throw his weight around like some sulky man child.
So the 16 year old was ignoring his dad so you asked the father to go to his son after being ignored and then the son laughed in his face on being asked what he wanted for dinner? This would antagonize me too. Being ignored and laughed at by a teenager?
Your 9 year old was ignoring him about going to bed and you didnt step in and agree??
I think there maybe is a chance the 9 year old was by you as he knows you'll not make him go.
Unless theres abuse or neglect going on here, it sounds as if there are 2 different parenting styles and your husband doesnt feel supported and you feel like he over reacts.
I honestly don't understand the responses here. Am I crazy? I think OP is so very clearly in the wrong here?!
Firstly, she was at home when he got back from work and he was at work by the time she woke up - surely this means he works longer hours than she does? On top of that, he sorts dinner and puts the children to bed and looks after the children when OP storms out or runs off to her room because she's mad at him.
Secondly, when the sixteen year old was being disrespectful by repeatedly ignoring his father, OP told the husband that he was wrong and in no way reprimanded the 16 year old for being disrespectful. When her husband got angry at the 16 year old, OP then not only took the disrespectful child's side (undermining and criticising her husband) she stormed off in anger about how upsetting it is for her husband to be angry with their child.
Thirdly, when she came home from walking out, she just assumed her husband was wrong in a conflict that she had not seen.
Fourthly, she didn't help her husband with putting their nine year old to bed even though he was being defiant and her asked for her help. She subsequently got angry at her husband for getting angry when she didn't help.
Why is everything thinking it's fine for OP to storm off to their bedroom and storm out of the house but not for the husband to do the same? Why does everyone seem to think he's unreasonable for expecting some level of respect from his family? Why does everyone think he's unreasonable for thinking his partner shouldn't out right criticise him in front of his disrespectful children and take their side?
Yes he's angry - but I bloody well would be too.
Sounds just like lockdown stress to me, and not a massively big deal.
Your argument seems to be that because he’s a man and has done a bit of cooking and a bit of parenting then we should all bow down and throw bouquets at him. Big fucking deal. The bottom line is that he was an angry explosive arsehole about nothing. It’s not ltb level but he’s not some kind of hero either.
OP posted in her other/ duplicate thread that when the husband was repeatedly calling the 16yo’s name, said 16yo was in a different part of the house and couldn’t hear him. So not being disrespectful, just didn’t actually hear his dad, then laughed because he was confused why the dad was suddenly stomping around, making as if to throw phones and shouting at him.
And I’m with you - it’s a bugbear of mine that if you want to speak to someone who is elsewhere in the house then you go and find them and speak face to face with them, don’t just sit hollering from where you are and expect them to either come to you are start shouting back. (Obviously if it’s I’m on the loo can you throw me another roll or help I’ve fallen or whatever that’s a bit different). I grew up in a very shouty house and will not repeat that as an adult.
Climbing over a table in anger to get to a clearly upset 9 year old sounds horrendous.
But you got these responses on your other thread OP? Are you looking for more to either excuse your husband or more that say he’s wrong?
What do you think of his behaviour?
I agree a little bit with a previous poster that if he’s behaving angrily and aggressively and seemingly taking it out on the children that’s maybe not the time for you to be taking yourself off for space. Perhaps you should step in/ try suggesting he goes elsewhere to calm down rather than leaving him with the kids if he’s in one of those moods, which it sounds like he has form for.
Tbh you sound childish OP. Why did you walk out? Why didn't you back your husband up? Sounds like you want to be friends with your children and your husband has to do the parenting. I'm not surprised he walked off.
@Wearywithteens That is absolutely not my argument at all. My argument is that it appears that he works full time and does ALL the parenting and housework whilst OP appears to sit on her arse, eating and criticising. Whilst he does appear angry, so does OP. She's storming off all the time and locking herself away. He tried to have an adult conversation about it.
How come he's "an angry explosive arsehole" but OP isn't?! She stormed out twice!! She refused to help him parent on multiple occasions and actively undermined his parenting on multiple other occasions. OP admits that he tried to have an adult discussion about the situation.
Everyone has a breaking point and if I went out to work all day, came home and spent a small amount of nice time with my partner before cooking dinner, looking after the kids whilst my partner stormed off and putting the kids to bed, I wouldn't really appreciate being repeatedly disrespected or repeatedly told I don't deserve any respect.
If it were the other way around and a woman said she came home from work, cooked dinner and put the kids to bed and during that time her husband had stormed out twice leaving her with the kids alone, and refused to help parent when asked, and was still asleep when she left for work this morning, I very much doubt you would be saying that she's in the wrong.
Well I can imagine if a woman posted on a thread and said;
I've been working all day, so come home to.my family and the teenager was ignoring me when I asked what they wanted for dinner. My husband suggested i should go to them instead. Then when i started to get irritable the teenager laughed at me and my husband couldnt see the problem.
The 9 year old has annoyed me and although my husband didnt witness the event has assumed that I'm over the top. Husband doesn't support me on getting child who also doesnt listen to me to go to bed.
Husband then ran off to his room in a huff and I tried to speak to him about this but he ignored me also.
I'm now sat trying to wonder why after a day working why everyone is ignoring me and mad at me. I cant seem to fix the situation as husband is currently huffing upstairs. Noone listens to mr and I feel like it's me against them.
@Ohnoherewego62 Spot on. I think that, on this forum, people will support anything you say or do as long as you're the one with a vagina.
@AliasGrape, if the OP knew the teenager couldn't hear him, why not quickly say he cant hear you as....
Why let it get it a point where its escalated and not do any intervention? Then give off because theres been a misunderstanding between the two. If thay was the case, the OP knew what was going to happen and let it happen so she could blame her husband for it
You gave me a completely new look on the situation :D you are completely right. 2 times OP stormed off or out whilst DH is obviously just trying to 1. get an answer from his son wihout attitude and 2. Send the 9 year old to his room so parenting.
Maybe it isnt how the OP made it sound as none of us were there but from just reading it i would say OP is in the wrong.
Also many people say i only said but then for all we know it was said condescendingly and with attitude too.
@LegallyBlue my husband works full time yes, I work part time currently from home and have also been home schooling our children.
He does his fair share around the house as do I.
My 16yo wasn't ignoring him, he didn't hear my DH calling him. Sure, he can be rude at times, he's a teenager, but he was in the kitchen doing his chores. I felt like my DH flew off the handle for absolutely no reason.
Because tensions were then high and we needed space, I actually left to go to the shops to get the food we needed for dinner.
With my 9yo, he was scared of his Dads anger, I do back my husband up, but I don't understand how I'm supposed to back him up in these situations where he is in a rage, that feels like I'm condoning his behaviour?
I did ask for opinions on this incident only so am taking everything on board, I don't want to drip feed at all but will say my husband has form for this type of angry, explosive behaviour
@LegallyBlue, with great power comes great responsibility 🤣 I have one btw just encase any takes offense!
Relationships and parenting are about balance. OP I think you want people to say your husbands an arse so it makes you feel better and your behaviour justifiable. He tried to communicate with you and you let him struggle on two separate occasions with your children then punished him by huffing and running off.
@ohnoherewego2 I was further away from my son but closer to my husband (if that makes sense) so I could hear my husband.
He was saying his name repeatedly without a break for our son to even respond (if he did hear him)
If my DH was calling out to me through the house and I didn't respond, he would assume I couldn't hear him and come and find me, so I guess i don't see why it should be different with a teenager?
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