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I need to dump him (Offensive word warning)

(359 Posts)
OntheWaves40 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:46:38

Been seeing someone 12 months. Nice, down to earth, guy or so I thought.
Today, in reply to “what have you been up to” (I don’t even want to repeat it it’s that bad) he said “nothing much, just been monging out in front of the telly”.
I’m so mad at myself, I didn’t react, I just thought wtf did he just say that, is there a different meaning that I’ve totally never heard of etc. I’ve got home and realising there is no excuse, I know what I have to do I’m just bloody gutted that he turned out to be so vile.

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Fri 12-Jun-20 23:47:36

Why didn't you talk to him about the phrase instead of being so reactionary? People won't get educated if you just fume silently.

FortunesFave Fri 12-Jun-20 23:48:32

Also, I find it odd that you immediately brand someone you've been seeing for a year as "vile" rather than assume he's not been educated.

Most people are good...most people use phrases like that in ignorance having grown up with them and never really considered the meaning behind it.

SD1978 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:50:35

In an otherwise good relationship that wouldn't be a break up deal for me. His response to my explanation as to why I found it offensive might. It's been a year and you'd rather break up than talk, which I don't get.

PurpleDaisies Fri 12-Jun-20 23:50:55

It’s not acceptable, but I remember using this as a synonym for lazing around without being aware of the connotations.

As soon as I found out how offensive it was, I stopped. He might not know this is such a dodgy word to use.

AudacityOfHope Fri 12-Jun-20 23:51:16

Or you could just talk to him and point out that it's a shitty word you won't have said around you?

If this is a one-off is it a straight dumping offence? I mean if he's always a dick it sounds like you'd have dumped him by now.

abbidabbi Fri 12-Jun-20 23:51:22

I grew up with in as a common phrase in my house/school. Obviously the meaning behind it is awful and I was glad to be educated about it when I got older. But I wasn't a bad person when I was using it before I was educated. I wasn't using it as a specific insult against disabled people I just didn't know what it meant. I think you need to have a conversation with him rather than branding him as vile.

Luaa Fri 12-Jun-20 23:53:08

I actually don't know what it means, I've only ever heard it used as he did. Off to Google now.

Notredamn Fri 12-Jun-20 23:53:14

As much as I would never use the word, I have seen plenty use it in verb form in the context your bf has with no idea that they're being offensive.

AIMD Fri 12-Jun-20 23:53:22

He might be unaware of the negative connotations of that word. If everything else is going fine maybe just speak to him about it.

BertiesLanding Fri 12-Jun-20 23:54:21

Maybe he has no idea what the word really means. Why wouldn't you give him a chance? The current atmosphere appears to be both volatile and contagious.

PurpleDaisies Fri 12-Jun-20 23:54:26

This seems like a huge overreaction without giving him the chance to defend himself. Are there other issues in the relationship?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Fri 12-Jun-20 23:56:31

I can't tell from your post if you know this is normal behaviour from him or not.

If this seems out of the blue and as someone who didn't realise the history behind that word before the Ricky Gervais usage though didn't use it I'll add because it wasn't normal use where I grew up but had heard elsehwere I'd also agree that you should talk to him to see if he knew and was using it anyway.

If this is form for him then it sound like the end for you two.

Diverseduvet Fri 12-Jun-20 23:57:18

I think that he is so ignorant of the meaning of the word and the fact he uses words without questioning the meaning has put you off? This really puts me off people as well

steff13 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:58:16

I've never heard anyone use that phrase, and I'm not sure I know what it means. Is it possible he isn't aware, either? I'd talk to him about it.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Fri 12-Jun-20 23:58:38

Sorry, it realise I've misread your op where you've said you don't want to repeat as there was something else offensive too. That said, you need to talk to him to see if he knows what that word means and to gauge if he cares why it's offensive.

Bookoffacts Sat 13-Jun-20 00:02:25

I used can't be arsed for years without realising it was rude. I just never made the connection.

PurpleDaisies Sat 13-Jun-20 00:04:21

I think that he is so ignorant of the meaning of the word and the fact he uses words without questioning the meaning has put you off?

Loads of people use moron and cretin here without knowing how offensive they are.

blaaake Sat 13-Jun-20 00:04:25

I think you're overreacting, tbh.

MrFaceyRomford Sat 13-Jun-20 00:05:25

I can honestly say I have never heard the term before. Why is it offensive? This is a serious question.

Samtsirch Sat 13-Jun-20 00:05:57

Just explain to him why the word is so offensive and unacceptable.

redwinefine Sat 13-Jun-20 00:08:07

Depends whether or not you see this as a long term thing. If not - you might be willing to overlook it. If it is long term, you need to call him on it and explain why it's offensive and he shouldn't use it.

MaggieMay1972 Sat 13-Jun-20 00:09:01

I think you’re over reacting too.

ThunderCrack Sat 13-Jun-20 00:11:53

Over reacting.

Christ.

Samtsirch Sat 13-Jun-20 00:12:10

@MrFaceyRomford
Mongol used to refer to a person from Mongolia, but became a derogatory term for a person with Down’s syndrome or other disabilities.

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