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To be upset over partner talking to toxic ex?

(12 Posts)
Babewiththepower0 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:00:51

Hi so a bit of background, when me and my partner first got together 7 years ago his ex tried to get between us and was trying to turn family members against me. They had been split up for about 2 years before we got together. 5 months into our relationship I was fed up of her trying to break us up and find out information about our relationship from His family and telling lies about me, (my partner had talked to her and asked her to stop several times) I told him that I couldn't be with him like this so he decided to cut her out of his life.

Background on them she cheated on him a number of times, was a horrible person to him, he lost all his friends while they were together, and he ended the relationship (they were together about 4/5years)

So today this ex has messaged my partner out of the blue saying the pet they had when they were together had passed away. He was obviously upset and I tried to comfort him. He told me he wanted to call her just to ask about what happened etc to the pet. I was hesitant but I was like if you need closure then fine. He phones her and is on the phone for like 40mins I can overhear and most of the convo isn't about the pet. Then I see messages from her basically saying if I have a problem with them talking it's my problem and that she liked catching up, him telling her she's awesome and that sort of thing. The random times she pops up in conversation normally he says she's a horrible person (in much stronger words). I'm hurt that he lied to me as he said they had only discussed the pet over phone and video chat but I know that's not true and he said that the messages were the same but they'd been reminiscing and talking about me. AIBU? I feel likes he's opening us up to trouble all over again even though she has a partner, everything about their conversation was flirty thanks for reading if you made it this far, he doesn't see why I would be upset.

OP’s posts: |
letmethinkaboutitfornow Fri 12-Jun-20 23:09:19

And the obvious question is - why are you with your partner? 🤔
He clearly hasn’t moved on...😔😔

Babewiththepower0 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:19:19

I've been asking myself the same thing. I love him and we have 2 children. We have had issues in the past where he was flirting with a different girl, he just says that I am paranoid and don't let him have friends, but I only have a problem with the flirting I'm happy for him to have friends. Most of his friends he loses touch with because he doesn't respond to their messages.

OP’s posts: |
redwinefine Sat 13-Jun-20 00:59:08

Do you not trust him? Is that why you were listening. Just LTB if there's no trust...

RedPanda2 Sat 13-Jun-20 01:26:28

He sounds like a tit. Did he blame her for him 'losing all his friends'? Because it sounds like he probably did what he's doing now. Is she toxic or is he another one that says his ex is crazy?

RosieLancs Sat 13-Jun-20 06:48:23

Do you have proof that things happened the way he said in their relationship ir that her behaviour has been how he claims since you have been together?

Either way, she isn't going anywhere anytime soon and you need to decide if you can live with that or not.

rawlikesushi Sat 13-Jun-20 07:07:33

So he told you that she was horrible, cheated on him and made him lose his friends?

And now you find out that he actually thinks she's 'awesome' and is starting to say that you are the reason he's losing his friends.

It makes you wonder what other things he's lied about doesn't it?

LellyMcKelly Sat 13-Jun-20 07:14:32

I don’t think the ex is the problem, tbh.

Redred2429 Sat 13-Jun-20 07:51:38

I think your partner is the problem op

Babewiththepower0 Sat 13-Jun-20 15:39:28

He has lied and flirted with other girls in the past which has affected my trust in him but I never stop him making/chatting/hanging out with friends, because I chose to stay and need to have faith he won't do it again, but here we are again. I know from his family that she didn't let him go out or if he did she would have to be there so he lost his friends because of that. He said to me he doesn't think she is awesome he was just being nice because the pet had died, I said to him you can be nice with out flirting with her and telling her she's always been awesome and a great person etc.

OP’s posts: |
rawlikesushi Sat 13-Jun-20 17:44:43

"I know from his family that she didn't let him go out or if he did she would have to be there so he lost his friends because of that. "

Yes, because he was an insufferable flirt who made her as nervous and insecure as he's making you.

"He said to me he doesn't think she is awesome he was just being nice because the pet had died."

So it's ok to say whatever he likes to women as long as he tells you after, if you find out, that he didn't really mean it.

GenevaL Sat 13-Jun-20 20:07:05

I think it’s really important that you don’t get made to feel like a jealous, insecure, paranoid partner when he is the one lying and flirting with several women. He’s shifting responsibility so that the problem somehow becomes all about you and your issues when the only one being an arse is him.

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