Am I still in love with him?

[Ladybird89]

Ok this might be long so please bear with me.

I can’t stop thinking about my first love. Who I think may have been my only real love.
I met him when we were both teenagers and we grew up together. It was on, off, on, off throughout our mid teens and into our early twenties. It was literally love at first sight, the cliché...I saw him and I remember that moment very clearly and I was only 15 at the time. He made me laugh so much and was an all round beautiful person, in both his physical appearance and his personality.
We drifted apart throughout the years, but whenever we came back together there was an invisible pull from each of us, towards the other and even if we were with someone at the time, we inevitably ended up together again.

Throughout my life since, I have had other partners, I am currently living with my fiancé and we have a child together. But I still think about him. I don’t understand it. The only thing I can think is that he was my real love and I missed it. If there is such a thing as ‘true love’.
I still have him on social media, as well as lots of our mutual friends. A couple of years ago I saw he’d got married, it was like a punch to the stomach. I’ve also heard through mutual friends that his wife is very controlling and doesn’t allow him to see his old friends anymore. That was reflected in the wedding photos I saw.
The other thing friends have told me is that his wife looks just like me. I must admit I had that thought when I saw her.

I don’t know how to move past this.
Last year he followed me on Instagram and liked some of my photos. It sounds extremely trivial, but it just made me think about ‘what could have been’ even more.

I know this all sounds so pathetic. Please be kind. I feel so mixed up. And I would never cheat on my current partner.

[Craftycorvid]

It doesn’t sound pathetic, it sounds troubling to live with. Thinking back to the points where you have got back together with him, were they at any specific times? Times of change or stress, for example? Our first relationships come with very intense feelings and it sounds like you have idealised this person. There will have been reasons why you drifted apart again and are not together now. It might be useful to think about what pushes you apart as well as what pulls you together.

[Boom45]

I don't still love my first boyfriend, but I do think about him a lot. He was a huge part of my most formative years and set a very strong example for all those that came after him. We bump into each other from time to time and its lovely to see him and makes me happy.
It's not love but theres a huge amount of affection there and I think that's normal.

[fairgame84]

Sounds like limerance. I had this with an ex, it took me years to get past it.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

It sounds like you had lots of chances to make things work though and each time it never worked out. Why did you keep breaking up if it was so good? I do think it's easy to look back with nostalgia especially if yoube never lived with someone and had to put up with their annoying habita

[BeNiceToYourSister]

Not pathetic at all, OP, but could you partly be pining after the memory of youth/possibility/lack of responsibility rather than just the ex himself? First loves are often a bit like that - you idealise the memory of the person because it’s so bound up with a carefree, exciting time of life, and it’s especially common to start feeling wistful for these things when big life changes like marriage and children come along. I think you need to be realistic here - he’s married and you are in a (presumably happy?) relationship. If you love your partner and can see a good future with him, I’d personally recommend cutting contact with the ex. Social media is not your friend in these situations, so I’d block/delete him if it’s just going to fuel this further (which IME it will). It’s also worth remembering that there are often very good reasons why we don’t end up with the “one that got away”.

[Voice0fReason]

his wife is very controlling and doesn’t allow him to see his old friends anymore. That was reflected in the wedding photos I saw.
How can their wedding photos support that belief? How do you know that he didn't decide he didn't want old friends at the wedding? How do you know he didn't have a few old friends at the wedding who weren't in all the photos?

This sounds like an unhealthy obsession. I think you would be better off unfriending and blocking him. No good can ever come from this.

[Sparklesocks]

Is it possible part of the reason you have such warm and positive associations is because you were very young when you were together? Not only do you have the nostalgia of youth which rosetints things anyway, but when you’re young your relationships in your teens aren’t the same as when you get older - you don’t need to navigate the difficulties of bills/mortgage, getting older, the difficulties of raising kids and juggling work etc. You go through more with your partner as you get older and have more life experience, which of course bonds you - but it can also be stressful and difficult.

I think it’s possible you’re transferring the stresses/inadequacies of your life and using him as a bit of an idealised concept rather than the realities of what living with him would be.

Also you don’t really know anything about his relationship with his wife, even if you’ve ‘heard’ things. Only the two people in a marriage truly know how it is.

[IntoTheUnknown27]

@fairgame84 I second this. I fell in love with my ex as a teenager and have only recently been able to detach myself. It's a very strange feeling and I've only ever had it with him. He also had it with me too. He said he'd even tried making himself hate me to get over it but he just couldn't. The mind can be very cruel sometimes.

[GinDrinker00]

Sounds really unhealthy. He wouldn’t of married her if he didn’t want to be with her. Move on, stop obsessing for your own sanity.
We had this with my DH his ex turned up one day announcing her love for him despite not seeing/hearing from him for 15 years. It was really weird and uncomfortable for him.