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To feel like life is impossibly difficult(4 Posts)
I have quite bad anxiety and have done for the last three years. Some nights I have to stay awake until 4-5am so that when I lie down I can fall asleep straight away as otherwise my anxiety is so bad I end up having a panic attack. Most days during this lockdown it has felt like such a chore to get up, wash my face and brush my teeth.
Every facet of my life has something going wrong with it. My home life is difficult, I'm unemployed in a field with barely any job opportunities at the moment, I have no support network of friends and I just feel like my days are just counting down until I can go to bed and have another day of my life checked off. I used to be a Christian up until maybe a month ago but my faith has now gone. Plus obviously with the coronavirus I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I have felt like this for probably 6 months but at least before the coronavirus I could plan things to look forward to like day trips, meals out, etc.
Today I decided to try and turn it all around. I woke up early, went for a run, showered, got dressed and ate a healthy breakfast. It took a lot of effort but I felt better for it and was feeling positive for the first time in a long time. Then that morning my DM told me she has been urgently referred for a health concern she has. I feel like I cannot cope. I feel so anxious and worried for her. I don't know how I am supposed to 'carry on' with things like preparing meals and doing job applications when it feels like my entire World is crumbling. It feels like whenever I try and make an effort to improve my mood/my life something bad happens.
The thing is I know in other ways I am privileged. I have my health, I am young, I am financially ok despite being unemployed, I live in a safe country with free healthcare etc, I have a roof over my head and never have to worry when my next meal is coming. Yet I just feel like I struggle so much despite all of this.
Sorry for being so negative. I just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere.
I am sorry that you feel that way. Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean that you are unreasonable to feel down and struggle. Have you been to see a Dr? I have had phases like that in my life where there were legitimate things going wrong and I just didn't have the mental or physical energy to deal with them as they triggered depression. I needed to be on anti depressants for a while to give my mind time to heal and me to deal the the things, then I was able to come off them again. It is not a bad thing to need them and/or counselling (I had both for a particularly bad episode). Both helped me feel well enough to deal with the crap life was throwing at me.
Firstly you have no need to apologise. It sounds like you've been having a difficult time, which can only be amplified at the moment.
The obvious questions spring to mind initially I suppose - have you seen your GP about your anxiety? Could medication and/or counselling help. Forgive me if seeing your GP is already a well trod path for you, but if you've previously sought professional help, could it be worth contacting them again to see if a medication review or more therapy is available?
It's great that you went out for a run, you should be proud of just stepping out the door. Would it help to set a target to run every day, or a few times a week if you can ? For me, exercise robs anxiety and depression of some of its power and helps me think more rationally.
I'm really sorry to hear about your DM. Does she live near you?
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