WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

He sounds like an abusive prick to be honest. You've done nothing to apologise for. Id take steps to end the relationship it won't get any better.

[Frances2468]

Also last night when I got into bed I did apologise and said sorry for hurting his feelings

[ButterflyBitch]

Are there other incidents where he flies off the handle like this?

[FreeFromDinoMeat]

Personally I wouldn't have watched an episode of a programme I'd been watching with DH without him, I think that is fairly standard? I'd probably have been a little miffed if DH had watched an episode of the series we are watching now without me.

But your partners reaction is very OTT and he sounds like a dick. Is he like this with lots of things?

[theonlywayisapple]

If you always watch it together then you shouldn’t have watched it.

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

Wow, what a prince. I wouldn't mind if DH watched something without me, as long as he's happy to watch it again!

[Frances2468]

Maybe it is wrong that I don't see the big deal - it is just a TV show. I would have happily sat through it a second time. It isn't what he was saying that was the problem it was the way he flew off the handle, it just seemed really out of proportion

[HotChoc10]

Oh my god his reaction is completely over the top. I think it would be reasonable to end the relationship on the grounds that he makes you feel like shit. I hope you have a better day today and are able to do something to cheer yourself up.

[Bluntness100]

To be honest I’d also wait for my husband if we were watching something together, but his reaction was over the top and uncalled for.

I think though you need to deal with your feelings on him FaceTiming with friends, particularly his ex, it’s not healthy you mentally putting yourself down and then sitting downstairs upset whilst he does it.

[haveyoutriedgoogle]

He has completely overreacted.
However, ‘I couldn’t find anything else to watch’ is not true, is it? Because there were other things to watch. Was this a petty jab because he was video calling someone you didn’t want him to?

[Trevsadick]

I would be slightly annoyed if dp watched a programme we watch together, without me.

He watched an episode of killing eve while i was talking to his sister in the phone.

But my reaction was 'really?? Bloody really???? I waited for you for every episode of games of thrones' then laughed it off and made him out back to the begining and be quiet and not say a word. His sister, was on the phone still when I noticed and told him it was completely unacceptable and a dick move. Then laughed.

His reaction is way of the top and does suggest some controlling behaviour.

I get being slightly miffed. That reaction is not ok.

[cantarina]

His reaction is OTT. If this is an isolated incident and he's not usually like this, put it down to lockdown. If he has a pattern of blowing his top, telling you it's because you're completely in the wrong/punishing you when most people would shake it off and make up it's not going to be a great relationship for you to stay in long term.

[TheMandalorian]

Ah. I think the relationship doesn't sound very healthy for you. I think you need to work on yourself a bit. I dont think he was wrong to comment but also he did over react to the little you told us.

[KatherineJaneway]

Like Free I wouldn't have watched the next episode without DH, I'd have found something else. If you have Netflix or Prime there is such a lot of other lighthearted programmes you could have watched.

However his reaction was way over the top.

[Trevsadick]

Was this a petty jab because he was video calling someone you didn’t want him to?

I wondered that.

Op, its ok to not be comfortable with your dp being friends with someone he used to have sex with. Lots of people wouldn't be.

But either you should be with someone who feels the same or deal with your issues.

[Frances2468]

@haveyoutriedgoogle

He has completely overreacted.
However, ‘I couldn’t find anything else to watch’ is not true, is it? Because there were other things to watch. Was this a petty jab because he was video calling someone you didn’t want him to?

No... I just don't really enjoy much TV. I didn't have a TV for 4 years before I met my partner! I was searching for films I like on prime but had to pay for them. I felt low and wanted to watch something that I knew I liked and would cheer me up

[nervousnelly8]

Agree with PPs, his reaction is ridiculous, but I wouldn't have watched something that DH and I normally watch together - I think he would probably be a bit hurt if I did. Understand you wanted something trashy (and I walked out of 12 years a slave in the cinema, it was too much for me), but there are literally hundreds of options you could have gone for.

[NekoShiro]

I feel the same as your partner about watching stuff together, but I don't explode over it. I look forward to watching something new to both me and my partner so we can react to it together and trash talk it together, if one of us had already watched it then they know what's coming and it's not as fun but like I said it shouldn't be a whole song and dnace, does he normally act like this when he's disappointed? Also how has your lockdown been? Me and my partner are currently at a point where we're at each others throats a lil bit from being cooped up together with no respite. Lots of snapping and both of our mental health is deteriorating and raw nerves are getting exposed, I hope you can both talk through this, ask him why it upset him so much and then if it's because he was disappointed about not experiencing it with you or something else that you can understand then apologise for making him feel that way but not for your actions as it is just a TV show.

[Trevsadick]

Maybe it is wrong that I don't see the big deal - it is just a TV show. I would have happily sat through it a second time. It isn't what he was saying that was the problem it was the way he flew off the handle, it just seemed really out of proportion

But its not just a TV show. Its something you do together. And you watch it the first time together.

When someone else has watched it, it's different.

If you always went for a walk at 10am together, something you do as a couple and you weren't ready so he left at bang on 10am, instead of waiting until 10.02am when you were ready, would that be OK?

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

Wait his reaction was to get angry? That's no longer an acceptable reaction? He's looking for an apology. I don't blame him, I'd be angry too. And I'd want an apology from dh and "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" is a bullshit apology you are invalidating his feelings because you feel your feelings are more hurt from him talking to a former fwb. Which is a Seperate issue.

[Brefugee]

tbh it's a bit, how to put it? "meh" to watch something you usually watch together on your own.

His reaction seems OTT though.

[Boulshired]

We have programme we watch together and we always wait, in your scenario I can see him thinking that your watching was because he was chatting, unless he planned the call at the time you usually watch the show then that would annoy me as I would see that as punishment for the video call.

[Frances2468]

I am not resentful of him talking to his friends. But I dont deserve to be shouted at and have him stomp upstairs like a toddler! Yet he thinks he doesnt need to apologise for that behaviour? It isn't ok to handle things like that. Talk to me like an adult

[heartsonacake]

I do think it’s an arse move to watch a tv show you watch together on your own. It doesn’t matter that you would watch it again; it’s not the same watching something with someone when you know they’ve already seen it.

It takes the excitement out of watching it and discovering what happens together. Saying you “couldn’t find anything else” when you have the world of tv and movies at your fingertips and using your mental health as an excuse is also wrong.

I do also think he may have overreacted, but it sounds very much like you’re exaggerating (not deliberately, just because of how you were feeling).

Living with someone with depression and anxiety is draining, and though you say these are your issues and you don’t let them affect him, they will be doing. Not directly perhaps, but indirectly through body language, tone, actions you won’t even realise.

Are you actively doing anything to combat your issues? And no, I’m not bashing, I’ve been exactly where you are and know how it feels, but I’ve come out the other side and can see clearly how much of a negative affect my anxiety and depression had on my DH when I never could have seen that at the time as my judgment was clouded.