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NC with DM & interfering DSis(4 Posts)
I have been NC with DM for over a year now. After over 20 years of arguments and utterly disliking each other this is the best arrangement. I don’t miss her or harbour any anger. I am fine with NC.
I have 2 DSis, youngest couldn’t care less about this, however older DSis is so interfering it’s driving me crazy.
We recently had a family bbq (social distancing rules in our country adhered to) DM was obviously not invited. DSis keeps trying to make me feel guilty about not inviting her. Today she told me her own DC felt uncomfortable in family gatherings when I don’t engage with DM. The only time I am around her is when DSis invites DM to her house, when I am there, without telling me.
I am 100% done with DM. I have no interest in a future relationship of any kind.
AIBU to put my own feelings first and ignore DSis trying to, I’m not even sure anymore, push us together?
We had a really similar issue. My husband went NC with his mother for a whole host of reasons. Eventually, he laid out to her three demands: to stop shouting and screaming, to stop lying to other family members about things and to treat me and our child with respect. She reluctantly agreed and almost immediately lied to her parents about us both (we have proof that she was lying - saying we wouldn't let her hold our newborn at a family wedding but there were photos of her holding him at the wedding).
My youngest sister in law is also no contact with her but the older sister immediately became a messenger, constantly passing on how sad she was, how ill she was, how lonely etc etc etc. Passing the phone over or forwarding on messages and emails... It was a nightmare because we loved her so much and understood that she was being essentially bullied into these things. Eventually, my husband said to her that contact with his mother was damaging to his mental wellbeing and that by trying to facilitate it, she was hurting him. He told her that it is not acceptable behaviour to try to force relationships where one party is being hurt. After being very clear and very blunt, she seemed to get the message and hasn't tried to force anything since.
I don't know your reasons for going no contact but if your sister understands them (even if she doesn't agree) then perhaps she'll stop trying to force you?
DSis knows all of the background but I have backed down in the past and allowed DM back into our lives. This time I am adamant. DM hasn’t tried to reconcile either so I don’t know why DSis cares. It would be easier if we all were friendly but that will never be the case.
I don’t want DSis to be unable to talk about DM etc but I am going to have to ask her to stop orchestrating meetings. DM doesn’t speak to me either it’s not like I am ignoring her!
This was our exact scenario. She would never call me or my husband but would run to other family members to say we were ignoring her and that they must call us to make us call her - even though she never tried calling us in the first place. Her best source of this were my husband's grandparents who only knew her side of everything and my husband was too worried that they would die hating him to resist contacting her when they asked him to. After the wedding incident, where he had solid proof of her actions, they were more reluctant to force him to contact her. So she moved on to his sister. She knew all the background but had essentially equally weighed MIL's lies with the truth my husband was saying. We just had to be very firm with SIL and say that we are not going to engage with anything that she does to orchestrate or facilitate communication. At one point SIL said she was bring MIL to stay at our house because MIL had asked. We said no and she got very upset that we were putting her in the middle by making her tell MIL that she couldn't come - but we had never invited MIL. SIL had no right to say MIL could come to stay in our house when MIL hadn't spoken to us at all. After the first few times of standing up to MIL and learning that this behaviour doesn't have the desired effect, she stopped doing it. MIL has moved on to trying to use other family members but it's either her ex husbands who tell her to do one or my husband's Godparents (who he isn't that fussed about hating him).
It's just about being clear and consistent. If she doesn't want her children upset by the frostiness between you two then she should stop trying to put you in the same place at the same time. Make a habit of asking if your mother will be at certain events, if she will then don't go. If she's there when you turn up then leave. Your sister will soon get the message that she doesn't get to dictate who you speak to.
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