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Aibu for DH to not get it

(24 Posts)
Foxes157 Thu 11-Jun-20 23:55:18

As a year to the day before dd was born I lost my grandparent.

I will see sadness as well as positivity. He to shut up and remember its dd birthday

OP’s posts: |
TriciaH Fri 12-Jun-20 00:14:00

I completely understand. I lost my baby cousin when I was 11 due to leukemia. My son was born on the anniversary of his death. The day has always been bitter sweet for me. Once my son is in bed I normally light a candle. The day is spent on my child the evening is to remember him.

june2007 Fri 12-Jun-20 00:17:20

I don,t think either of you are unreasonable. I understand your sadness but at the same time I understand that he wants to focus on your DD and perhaps doesn't want the sadness to override his DD birthday. Light a candle, SAy a pray lay some flowers on a grave, plant a plant. What ever gives you piece.

OhioOhioOhio Fri 12-Jun-20 00:20:00

Hmmm. I wonder if you are being unreasonable to allow your h to speak to you like that? Not criticising but very aware that my xh used to minimise my feelings. Of course losing your grandparent and remembering that time is sad. More importantly he doesn't get to decide your feelings.

Euclid Fri 12-Jun-20 02:02:51

I too think that you husband is being very unreasonable telling you how to control your feelings.

Nat6999 Fri 12-Jun-20 02:37:20

My partner passed away on ds 11th birthday, I always light a candle for him, but try to keep the day special for ds.

Mnthrowaway20202 Fri 12-Jun-20 02:53:08

How old is your daughter?

Your emotions are understandable. He isn’t being very understanding of you, if anything. Unless there’s more to it

FatherB Fri 12-Jun-20 03:15:41

I think it's very possible husband doesn't want you to ruin DD's birthday and quite frankly this is just one of those things, grandparents are meant to die and people grieve in their own way but it's your daughters birthday, she needs to come first.

Cadent Fri 12-Jun-20 05:35:09

I’m not sure why you would bring up a grandparent dying on your child’s birthday tbh. I’ve lost all 4 grandparents but its their memories I remember not their date of deaths.

I can see why your DH would be nonplussed.

Shoxfordian Fri 12-Jun-20 06:21:35

He doesn't sound very kind to you

Subeccoo Fri 12-Jun-20 07:11:30

My mum died the day before my sons birthday, understandably we were in no way able to celebrate his birthday and this year it will be the anniversary/his 21st. We'll get through it I'm sure but it won't be the same ever again for me. Ds is totally understanding of this.
It's always gonna be hard to separate but perhaps time will help us all x

LellyMcKelly Fri 12-Jun-20 07:18:45

I’d be more annoyed that your husband thinks it’s ok to tell you to shut up.

GrumpyHoonMain Fri 12-Jun-20 07:20:50

I come from an Indian background and death anniversaries are often serious business (and we often cancel a lot to mourn the deceased person). But there’s a saying that if the dead person was old then you should live your life as fully as they did theirs. So in a way the death anniversaries of elderly people are considered celebrations. It might do you some good to focus on celebrating your grandparent’s life via your dd.

SionnachGlic Fri 12-Jun-20 07:33:53

He doesn't sound v kind to tell you to shut up. That would annoy me. I could accept that he may not feel the same about it or understand - esp if he has not yet had loss in his life. Put a few moments aside to remember your grandparent & then smile brightly for your baby's B'day because she is here & her life is to be celebrated!

Parky04 Fri 12-Jun-20 07:35:13

No excuse for the way he spoke to you. But if you spend the whole day being miserable then you are being unreasonable and I can see why he would get annoyed.

Bluntness100 Fri 12-Jun-20 07:38:14

I think this depends on your behaviour, it’s your child’s birthday and it should not be coloured by sadness over a death of their great grand parent, I’m sure the great grand parent would not wish that, so in one respect he has a point that you should remember that it is your child’s birthday, and celebrate the living, if you’re going on about it, which I assume you are and that’s where the “shut up came from”

However he shouldn’t tell you to shut up, that’s rude.

nervousnelly8 Fri 12-Jun-20 07:43:29

Agree with PPs, it's not acceptable to tell you to shut up. But, and I mean this as kindly as possible, a grandparent passing is not usually a traumatic, tragic death in the same way that losing your parent very young or losing a sibling or child would be. It's the natural order of things, and it would be sad for your DD to be associating the joy of her birthday with your sadness over losing your grandparent.

fairislecable Fri 12-Jun-20 07:57:47

I deliberately try and forget the date of death and make no memorial to it for all those I have lost.

However I always buy flowers which I display in my house on what would have been their birthday.

It gives me so much pleasure to choose a colour perfume or type I know they would have loved.

In this way the thought of them brings them close and makes me smile as they would have done in person.

billy1966 Fri 12-Jun-20 08:02:43

What an awful way to speak to you, about

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Fri 12-Jun-20 08:24:22

My DF was terminally ill during the run-up to a young nephew’s birthday. He apparently said, ‘I hope Grandpa doesn’t die on my birthday!’

But he did. As Dsis pointed out, though, it would be a day to remember all the good things about a very jolly grandpa who would have hated the thought of anyone being sad on his account.

HalloumiSalad Fri 12-Jun-20 08:40:16

Some people just don't see anniversaries as a significant thing (I'm one, my memories of deceased loved ones pop up whenever they spring to mind through a song or a perfume etc). So I can see why someone would not want it to overshadow the living especially a young one who never met that person.
But he was very rude about it which is unnecessary.
I was born on the day my Great Aunt died, I am named after her and was often told the story of her and who she was, because of our connection. So that is one nice way you can link the two events.

PlanDeRaccordement Fri 12-Jun-20 09:10:31

How long ago did your grandparent die? I understand if it is a recent bereavement but if they died when your DD was 1 and they are now 6+, you really do need to stop bringing it up as it will affect your DD.

I can understand you a bit because my grandmother died while I was in labour with my first DC. I got the call 27 hrs into 32 hrs long labour. The saddest part was I could not travel to her funeral back in China.

It was hard the first few years, but I never once brought it up to my DC until they were a teen and asked about their great grandparents.

TheGirlWithAPrince Fri 12-Jun-20 09:15:14

i think it depends on how sad you are on yourchilds birthday..
I have a neighbor who had twins but one passed away and now every year they spend the whole day sad whichi s understandable but at the same time really sad for the other child who now will prbably never get a happy birthday because his mother spends the whole day talking about the other child and sad rather than thinking letsbe happy for my sons birthday

Givingup123456 Fri 12-Jun-20 09:20:58

For the sake of your child you need to not talk about your grandparent in front of her on her birthday. I understand you are sad but life goes on. Your poor dad will be on here in a few years saying aibu but my mum could never be happy for me on my birthday as she would only remember her grandparent who died instead of when she gave birth to me etc etc. Don't ruin her birthday. You can remember your grandparent without being all doom and gloom on a child's birthday

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