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DD (8 years) has suddenly started talking about how she wouldn't be bothered if me or her brothers die?

(31 Posts)
ComplexPTSDmaybe Thu 11-Jun-20 20:28:22

AIBU to think this is not normal?

DD came back from her Dad's on Tuesday and has been very out of sorts since, mood wise. Since then she has spoken on 3 seperate occasions about how she would feel if her older brothers died, she says she would be glad. I was really taken aback and every time said that is a really unkind thing to say and how would she feel if it really happened and she said she doesn't care! I calmly told her that hearing this is upsetting for me and she has hurt my feelings and that isn't okay.

Tonight she has refused to eat her evening meal, so I left it an hour and then sat her down just now and said she needs to eat (sausage, broccoli and potato nothing terrible and something she usually enjoys) she pushed the plate across the table and started screaming. I told her she would not have any device time tonight as a consequence of her behaviour and she said 'I hate you and I hope you die'. I again said that is really unkind, hearing that hurts and have put her to bed (she has only had fruit for breakfast and cheese on toast and cucumber, tomato and pepper today so I'm worried she is starving sad) and she was screaming in her room 'I just want you to die I hate you so much'. She is now sobbing. Part of me wants to go talk to her but if I hear that she wants me to die again, I don't trust myself not to burst into tears or shout at her. She regularly says she hates me but this wanting us to die thing is new.

I have anxiety and I am going into catastrophic thinking mode that her distress is as as a result of something huge or her father had said something about dying to her. I can't imagine he would though, he was an abusive shit towards me but has never ever been anything but a bit too permissive and over protective of the DC. AIBU to think this is totally not okay or normal? Would you go and talk to her even if it means you might not be the calm parent you should be? Please don't pile on me, for various reasons I'm quite raw. I just want to know if anyone else has dealt with this.

OP’s posts: |
Titsywoo Thu 11-Jun-20 20:32:35

That sounds very worrying and like something has happened at her Dads. Have you spoken to him? I'd honestly consider seeking professional help or speaking to someone who understands child psychology.

Titsywoo Thu 11-Jun-20 20:33:29

And you need to go and talk to her. She sounds frightened. Try to keep a check on your emotions. She doesn't want you to die i guarantee that.

Frozenfan2019 Thu 11-Jun-20 20:34:06

If I were you I would ring her dad now and find out what's been going on. Are her brothers her dad's too?

HappyHammy Thu 11-Jun-20 20:35:41

Poor girl.. are you able to speak to her dad to ask if something upset her. She wont starve but you could put some snacks on a tray outside her room. I would leave her at the moment until she has calmed down then knock and see if she will talk to you. Is there any other family she trusts like an auntie or nana. Theres no need to shout or make it about how upset you are. Something has upset her which is the main issue. flowers

Frozenfan2019 Thu 11-Jun-20 20:36:23

Also not dealt with the wanting us to die but my 9 year old is definitely going through a really tough phase with lots of crying and shouting and tantrumming about non issues and I've read it's a normal pre teen thing coupled with them being old enough now to really miss their friends and want normality back.

ThePlantsitter Thu 11-Jun-20 20:36:35

Go and give her a cuddle until she calms down. Maybe don't say anything except 'i love you' for now and try to find out tomorrow (and yes call your ex if that's a thing you can do).

Fanthorpe Thu 11-Jun-20 20:38:41

I agree, she’s processing something and not coping with it at all. Has she watched a film, heard a conversation or been told something, I wonder?

I would make her feel very safe and comfortable, reassured and have a talk about how if we don’t understand something it’s best to talk to you, and what’s ever she says you’ll listen. Tell her she’s your priority and she can trust you. Don’t promise anything you can’t be sure of though.

Porridgeoat Thu 11-Jun-20 20:39:45

Look just tell her you love her and make her feel secure. She’s trying to get a reaction from you.aknowledge that she seems really upset and ask if theres anything she’s worried about

AndAllOurYesterdays Thu 11-Jun-20 20:41:04

Sounds like a cry for help. Try not to let it upset you, she doesn't mean it, and will probably be horrified by saying it in years to come. Make sure she knows you are there no matter what and whatever she says.

ComplexPTSDmaybe Thu 11-Jun-20 20:41:30

One of her brothers is her Dad's (the 12 year old) my 17 year old has a different dad.

I have asked her Dad as both of them came back with really odd moods (saying my house was boring because I don't have a games console like at their dads and that I don't have good food because I don't have a sweet cupboard like him) but he says they are fine with him. DS2 has settled down a bit but they both came back angry and very critical of me. I have asked in a round about way if their Dad has been saying negative things about me but they didn't give anything away.

OP’s posts: |
Fatted Thu 11-Jun-20 20:42:09

Chances are she doesn't want you to die and doesn't mean it like that. But she does sound like she is angry and upset at something and is venting in the way she knows how.

It definitely sounds like something has happened at dad's. Doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister. Does she usually get pandered to and her own way with dad? If you are speaking to her dad, can you ask him how her behaviour is there? Maybe ask about how she's eaten because she's off her food with you.

If it makes you feel any better, my 5 year old told me he wished I wasn't his mum because I wouldn't let him eat sweets for his lunch the other day. I told him I loved him all the same and I would miss him if I wasn't his mum. But didn't let him get an emotional reaction out of me.

ComplexPTSDmaybe Thu 11-Jun-20 20:43:28

She has quietened down now. I will go talk to her and give her a cuddle.

OP’s posts: |
Fatted Thu 11-Jun-20 20:43:58

Cross posted. So he is Disney dad and you get all the shite to deal with? Sounds about right.

itsgettingweird Thu 11-Jun-20 20:46:24

Either something has happened at dads.

Or she's heard a lot of the discussions around schools and Covid and children catching it etc and she's confused and scared. So she's basically believing you have a risk of dying and so does she if they return and her emotional response to proactively defensive to a stance of pretending she wouldn't care.

It's very common for children to deal with fears by pretending they don't bother them and they don't care.

lyralalala Thu 11-Jun-20 20:47:11

If they've both come back angry and critical then something has been said or done.

As difficult as it is you need to reassure her (and your 12yo) that you love her.

Sounds like someone has been filling her head with nonsense.

When my girls used to come home from their Dad's like that I generally ignored the bad behaviour and only reacted to nasty comments by saying "Please don't say that, it's very hurtful, I love you very much". It usually took a long time for the comments (usually Mum doesn't love you, I love you more, I would let you do X amazing thing, but Mum said no) to come out from them.

AntiHop Thu 11-Jun-20 20:49:15

Definitely go and hug her reassure her, do whatever she needs to feel safe. Then call her dad and see if you can get anything out of him.

Dontcoughnearme Thu 11-Jun-20 20:50:12

Sounds like parental alienation from the dad about you.

ECBC Thu 11-Jun-20 20:59:18

Agree with @Dontcoughnearme

Also agree you need to provide a safe space for her to open up to you, just focus on how she is feeling while you are doing this and process your own feelings after (easier said than done I know)

Healthyandhappy Thu 11-Jun-20 21:24:08

Tonight go on youtube and type in guided sleep meditation kids the dragon one is amazing really helping my kids sleep and relax xx

ComplexPTSDmaybe Thu 11-Jun-20 21:24:14

I have spoken to her. She just demonstrated that she gets angry and (sweeping her arms over her head) it all just went wrong. She was overwhelmed. I reassured her that I'm here to help her when she is overwhelmed and to listen to get. I also told her that if there is anything that makes her feel weird or she gets a strange feeling in her tummy about anything at all she must speak to me.

I am struggling with her at this age because an older cousin of mine started abusing me when I was 8 and it culminated in me being raped at 11. I think I'm absolutely terrified for her, maybe she is picking up on that?

OP’s posts: |
ThePlantsitter Thu 11-Jun-20 21:27:17

Oh no that's horrible OP. It must be difficult for you.

My 9 year old is struggling with lockdown and told me the other day that sometimes she just wants to get angry and stomp off and we all make it worse by trying to calm her down. So we're letting her go and things have improved.

It does sound as though there was a trigger for this though, as it came on so suddenly.

Healthyandhappy Thu 11-Jun-20 21:27:41

It's called sleeping dragon guided meditation it outs me tiktok loving child whom will not sleep with emotional outbursts to sleep and its helping her be confident

Fanthorpe Thu 11-Jun-20 21:30:20

That’s really tough OP, did you get help? Are you dealing with your trauma by yourself?

I’m glad you had a good talk, it sounds like you helped her.

Healthyandhappy Thu 11-Jun-20 21:31:46

Also she doesnt watch it listens to it

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