to think this is his money to save

[redwinefine]

I have a friend who has been married a few years now to a very nice man who I'm also friendly with. She rang up very upset as she'd rowed with her DH. They're usually quite sensible so I thought it must have been a serious issue.
Her DH is WFH now so his travel pass has been suspended since April - saving him (apparently) hundreds of pounds. She doesn't work from home so isn't really saving anything. She just found out today about his non-pass. I said 'That's great. What's the problem?' She said 'He won't share'.
I was shocked and said she needs to have a serious chat with him about money and partnership etc. She agreed and hung up.
He rang me huffing and puffing (having heard her tale) and gave me his side of the story - he told her in passing, didn't think it would be a problem for him to keep the money as he pays for the bus pass himself. It's not out of their joint account. He's not even going to spend it on anything silly, he just wants to save it. She wants to buy a handbag with (a decent) part of it.

YANBU - it's money for saving
YABU - your friend should get a treat

[Hoppinggreen]

I just think it’s very weird that a married couple would involve you in their marriage like this

[heartsonacake]

Why should your friend get a treat? It’s not her money; she’s being selfish and grabby.

And yes, it is weird that your friends are using you as their marriage go-between

[TinyPigeon]

She's probably jealous he gets to WFH I would be. She's being very unreasonable though.

[ZaraW]

Why can't she buy a handbag with the money she earns?

[ConnellWaldronsChain]

Saving the money, or spending it on something that they will both benefit from sounds sensible

Demanding a handbag sounds grabby and entitled

I'm guessing your friend must be saving money too during lockdown (no hairdresser, no outings etc) so why doesn't she spend some of that on a handbag instead?

[Flynn999]

If he’s paying out of his money it’s his to do as he pleases with (assuming they aren’t in acres of debt etc)

[Hysteriawhenyourenear]

Is it your husband op?

[UserFriendly14]

him to keep the money as he pays for the bus pass himself. It's not out of their joint account

Where this is the case, I can’t understand why your friend should get a handbag out of her DH no longer spending on travel.

And yes, it’s weird that they involve you to this extent.

[Bargebill19]

Personally I would be for saving it in the current climate. If I were to buy a treat - it would be something for both such as a takeaway one night.

[redwinefine]

It's not my husband and if it was, I wouldn't have asked him for money for a handbag. I'd have saved and bought it myself.

Yeah, the whole go-between annoyed me. Apparently he'd come up to finish the chat and she told him 'redwinefine says you're being unreasonable' (I just said they needed to have a talk!) and he rang. They have done it once before a few years ago. It's ridiculous. They are grown (usually sensible!) adults!

[Nottherealslimshady]

If it's coming out of his own personal expenditure then it's his. If he gets more from the joint account to accommodate the need for the pass then its joint.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice or very financially literate.

[Sparklesocks]

Agreed that they should really discuss this with each other rather than you!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

A handbag? Why doesn’t she buy it herself? You must have suggested that?

DH is saving money not commuting and it’s just a tiny bit of slack in the pot some of which he’s used to improve the much-neglected garden.

I’m finding this whole scenario bizarre. We’re about to hit a mega fucking recession, now is not the time for fucking handbag shopping.

[Rayna37]

While I absolutely think it's right for him to save it and not for her to spend on a handbag, I don't think the "not out of the joint account so it's his" argument is watertight or even logical. We don't know how their account works! They might contribute equally or in proportion to earnings, or in proportion to available money; it could be that if he didn't have to pay for the rail pass then his joint account contribution would be expected to be higher and his wife's lower!

[alittlerespectgoesalongway]

Exactly what Rayna37 says - the devil is in the detail.