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To doubt my marriage over this..

(138 Posts)
Beeech Thu 11-Jun-20 15:52:49

DH and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together.

Our marriage is great, he's a fantastic husband and father. I can't believe how lucky I've been.

But last night, he shocked me. Whilst discussing the BLM protests, he announced that he didn't believe white prividge doesn't exist. In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women? He said that's different and unacceptable but he doesn't believe that skin colour doesn't impact the opportunities available to people.

I was gobsmacked and beyond furious at his ignorance. We had a big argument which had left me doubting if I can be with someone so fucking stupid!?


OP’s posts: |
Beeech Thu 11-Jun-20 15:55:08

Sorry it should read that he doesn't believe white prividge exists 🤦‍♀️

OP’s posts: |
FudgeBrownie2019 Thu 11-Jun-20 15:59:05

A white man believes white privilege doesn't exist - what a cliche.

YANBU - he's obviously very blinkered. However, a huge number of people don't believe in it simply because nobody's every spoken to them about it; pretty much everything in our world is geared up to the comfort of white men, essentially, so unless they've had their eyes opened to it, they're unlikely to recognise it.

Is he the kind of person who'll have open conversations and be willing to listen and learn about his privilege? That would be the biggest factor for me.

FOJN Thu 11-Jun-20 16:06:04

Privilege is invisible to those that have it. Women tend to recognise white privilege because we understand male privilege so can imagine there are many ways we might receive more favourable treatment because of our skin colour even if we are not conscious of it happening at the time.

We do have equality of opportunity in law, why not ask him what his explanation is for inequality of outcome.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Jun-20 16:06:19

I remember someone on here said this, and it really made me think:

When you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

My0My Thu 11-Jun-20 16:10:51

So you want to wreck what you previously thought was a great marriage over this? I agree he’s wrong but some differences just have to be buried I’m afraid. What about your DC? Are you really going to subject your child to a divorce and separation over this disagreement? You should agree to disagree. Not sure what your finances are but do you want this upheaval? I would try and look at all the good things you talked about and forgive this flaw.

My0My Thu 11-Jun-20 16:14:35

And why didn’t you know his views years ago? Wasn’t it an issue then? Or is this the latest issue so you have decided that it must be discussed? Did you agree about Brexit? What about all political views? Everyone finds their DH has differing views at some point but you work through it.

vanillandhoney Thu 11-Jun-20 16:17:23

A lot of white people don't see themselves as privileged, because they think everyone experiences the world the way they do.

I don't think it's something to end a marriage over.

dancemom Thu 11-Jun-20 16:18:24

That will be his white privilege talking 🙄

Brefugee Thu 11-Jun-20 16:19:21

I agree he’s wrong but some differences just have to be buried I’m afraid.

For me, this would be an absolutely fundamental difference that i couldn't get over.

Seesaw9 Thu 11-Jun-20 16:28:33

Isn’t he allowed an opinion? Bit controlling that. Your opinion is the only one that matters. Your reaction is well OTT. Surely if you disagree you chat it through and that’s that.

Teensandfuture Thu 11-Jun-20 16:33:08

I'm just surprised you haven't discussed similar topics at the dating stage. 7 years into the marriage you should have known your husband views on equality, racism, privilege and injustice..

OhYeahYouSuck Thu 11-Jun-20 16:35:43

So you want to end a great marriage to a fantastic husband and father because he has a differing view from you hmm.

Yeah go ahead. That's a great idea.

1Micem0use Thu 11-Jun-20 16:35:49

Its very reasonable to consider ending a marriage over this. It isnt a difference of opinion, it's a difference of morality, and some wilful ignorance on his part.

Teensandfuture Thu 11-Jun-20 16:36:49

"different view" is a nice way to describe ignorance..

roarfeckingroar Thu 11-Jun-20 16:38:30

This wouldn't make me question my relationship

ScarfLadysBag Thu 11-Jun-20 16:38:45

'Some differences' are stuff like whether he likes Marmite or not or whether he thinks toilet roll goes over and under. Not massive fucking fundamental differences because of wilful ignorance.

Sorry, OP, I would find this very difficult to deal with too. It doesn't even sound like he's willing to educated on it? Would he be open to any reading to challenge his views? Although how he can live in this world and take part in it and not believe that white privilege exists here is baffling, but I guess plenty of people do.

OntheWaves40 Thu 11-Jun-20 16:39:07

Also surprised this never cropped up before. It annoys me that it feeling like people are jumping on the bandwagon who previously stood by but I guess that’s how change comes about

ScarfLadysBag Thu 11-Jun-20 16:40:36

Oh and racism and white privilege is not a 'political issue'. It's a basic human rights one.

Happymum12345 Thu 11-Jun-20 16:41:37

It shouldn’t exist, but it sadly does. Some white people, don’t see or realise the issues that black people face on a daily basis. Your dh is having his eyes opened, let’s hope he realises he is wrong soon.

PurpleDaisies Thu 11-Jun-20 16:43:23


I'm just surprised you haven't discussed similar topics at the dating stage. 7 years into the marriage you should have known your husband views on equality, racism, privilege and injustice..

I’ve never officially asked my dh whether he believes in white privilege or not. I’d be surprised if most people deliberately set out to have that conversation while they’re dating.

Starcup Thu 11-Jun-20 16:43:32

I wouldn’t break up your family unit and end your marriage over this.


He’s clearly very entitled and ignorant but if you try to teach him why he’s wrong then hopefully

1- You’ll find common ground and stay together

2- You will be credited for making sure at least one privileged white male understands why he’s a complete moron!

Disregard Thu 11-Jun-20 16:43:43

I don't understand why this would be a surprise to you? Surely his stance has come out on other issues before this?

And yes, this would be absolutely unacceptable to me. It's not a different opinion of the genre of movie or food preference variety, this is a fundamental blind spot in his world view.

s0mewherebetween Thu 11-Jun-20 16:45:52

Me and my DH are also at odds with this same situation as you, we have also had arguements over it but we've come to the conclusion we have to respect each other's beliefs/opinions and try to keep that in mind when discussing those topics, which has been kept to a minimum.

YgritteSnow Thu 11-Jun-20 16:47:42

No you are not being unreasonable to question his views but I wouldn't end a marriage and not let my children live full time with both parents over it.

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