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To not pay SIL?

(182 Posts)
basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 08:57:50

Basically...SIL is my childminder, she is a Sahm since her 2 dc were born. When I had my ds I was going to put him in nursery and she offered to have him daily and I would pay her a fee. This fee was only payable when he went (so if he was sick- no payment, and during holidays - no payment) I am a teacher so it worked really well for us! I paid her cash ( so it was extra cash for her and it was much cheaper for me!)

When all of this Covid 19 kicked off, schools were shut and now I am home. I am managing with DS at home as he is 18months and still naps. Obviously, now that I am home I don't need childcare so I wasn't paying SIL (as per agreement). All fine, but now dh is saying (even though his pay has been reduced) that we need to pay SIL something as this has been going on too long! They are not hard up as such, her dh is in banking and is still working.
SIL has never mentioned anything to imo all is fine and the agreement we had still stands- no attendance = no pay!
DH is becoming adamant and is bringing it up daily at this rate.
So...AIBU to not pay her!??

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zscaler Thu 11-Jun-20 08:59:49

YANBU. If your arrangement was always that you only paid when he went, there’s no reason why that should change now. Your DH is making an issue out of nothing.

frazzledasarock Thu 11-Jun-20 09:00:06

Speak to your SIL directly ask her why she’s changed the agreement.

I’d personally put dc in to external childcare if this becomes an issue.

It’s very odd she doesn’t discuss it directly with you. Does your H normally pay her?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Thu 11-Jun-20 09:03:35


Speak to your SIL directly ask her why she’s changed the agreement.

I’d personally put dc in to external childcare if this becomes an issue.

It’s very odd she doesn’t discuss it directly with you. Does your H normally pay her?

Maybe re read? The SIL hasn’t said this, OPs DH has.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:03:45

@frazzledasarock no I pay her cash at the end of each week.

I'm not entirely sure if she has said something or if her dh has or if my dh has just decided that we should pay her! Every time I ask him what figure/amount he is thinking he can never come to a conclusion!

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user1487194234 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:07:04

I think somebody must have said something !
Ask your DH if that is the case

bubbleup Thu 11-Jun-20 09:13:58

Well ask him maybe?

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:14:20

I have just asked him and he "but he can sense off of dBIL that he is annoyed we haven't offered" hmm...this is totally dh's style "making up ideas and doing other peoples thinking" confused

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frazzledasarock Thu 11-Jun-20 09:14:37

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat you’re right, I thought the SIL said something to the H because he is the one pushing for it.

OP would you speak to your SIL & discuss the issue directly with her?

Clearly your household income has also come down if your H is not earning the same either.

Do you and your H have shared finances? I’d be wondering why your husband is putting forward this demand when you’ve not heard from your SIL. Is your husband planning on taking the money and giving it to your SIL?

To me it reads like there’s more to it. If the agreement and transaction is normally between you and SIL why is your H suddenly so interested?

Tanith Thu 11-Jun-20 09:15:53

I would talk to your SIL direct. Some childminders are refusing payment because they can manage; others can't and are grateful for any payment their parents can make.
All appreciate being asked and most are understanding if parents cannot pay.
It's the parents that are dropping off the radar, ignoring all communications, then expecting their places to materialise when they're needed who are finding those places have gone.

SerendipitySunshine Thu 11-Jun-20 09:16:33

I'd give her something as a token. You will be glad of the arrangement again when this all stops.

Mimishimi Thu 11-Jun-20 09:18:49

Is it likely that she will try to fill the 'spot'? If not and she hasn't said anything, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Mirrorxx Thu 11-Jun-20 09:20:18

I’m a bit shocked you think it’s ok to pay in cash to avoid someone paying tax.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:21:09

@frazzledasarock I'm starting to sense that something has been said or insinuated...yes we have shared finances. I am the one in charge of all banking matters to be honest. Dh used to work away a lot so wasn't around to make payments etc so it had to be me. He has a card with his personal spending on it and a credit card. I know he hasn't spent/used that card as it's on my banking app. Good god I know that sounds like I'm controlling when it comes to money...I'm not it's just how we set it up. We both have personal accounts for personal spends and everything else goes in sand out of the joint.

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basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:21:54

@Mirrorxx it wouldn't be enough to pay tax anyway tbh. So 🤷‍♀️...

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AvoidingRealHumans Thu 11-Jun-20 09:23:05

Is she an actual registered childminder or is this just an agreement between you both?
That would sway what I did next, if she's an actual childminder and could fill your child's space then yes I would pay, if it is just a private agreement I wouldn't have paid anything as per your agreement so far but do agree with your husband that this far in it may be the time for a token payment.
She is a sahm so this would have been her money she has earned and without knowing their financial set up i would assume she uses it to maybe treat herself, gets bits she needs etc and she could be missing that money.

Its up to you what you do, would be helpful for you to know if your husband has thought this up or someone has mentioned something to him.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:23:11

@Mimishimi no...she is not a registered childminder so she only minds DS. It was just an arraignment between us.

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mummmy2017 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:23:30

Tell your that while your household income has gone down theirs hasn't.
Tell him if he wants to give up booze, Sky and food, then he can pay his Sister and starve.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:23:55

@AvoidingRealHumans cross posted. She is not registered

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mummmy2017 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:24:34

Oh and tell him you want paying too, as your doing the childcare.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:25:36

@mummmy2017 we don't have sky and he doesn't drink but I know what you mean...

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Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches Thu 11-Jun-20 09:25:52

But it could affect the family’s overall tax position, I think?

Pinkyyy Thu 11-Jun-20 09:26:01

Well that's what you get when you work illegally. None of the benefits of having a job.

YouDirtyMare Thu 11-Jun-20 09:26:05

I would leave the arrangements as they are. It suits you both.

basketcase1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:27:01

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches no I wouldn't imagine so.

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