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Pregnancy and rude comments from a friend?(24 Posts)
Hi everyone, just wanting to rant I guess but also ask if I'm overreacting haha! I am 22 and 24 weeks pregnant, none of my close friends are even thinking about having kids therefore know nothing about pregnancy or babies! I have one friend who I know means well but has said some really judgemental and upsetting things including:
1. Asked me if i'm breastfeeding and said she knows someone who is allergic to milk because they weren't breastfed (then a few weeks later sent me a fact sheet on breast feeding and said "if I CAN it would be good for the baby)
2. Said to me that she hopes i'm not resting on my stomach (when I said I rolled over in the bath to get some kicks out of my baby!).
3. Has said when she babysits to "catch them at mother and baby yoga"
4. Asked if i'm learning to change nappies
5. When booking an event for the month of my due date saying "isn't that close to your due date????" as if i didn't know when i'm meant to be having my own child!
I am aware I will be a young mum but every day of my life I spend researching and thinking about my baby and I'm finding it sooo hurtful that a close friend is saying such judgemental and rude things thinking she knows better when her opinions are based on absolutely nothing!!! what on earth do I do because she does mean well but it's upsetting me so much some times!
Add some distance now it’ll only get worse when your baby arrives.
Nothing she has said is judgemental - sounds like she’s really excited and researching things. If you feel she’s crossing a line then just tell her there and then don’t stew over it.
And yes a lot of baby classes teach you how to change nappies, even the NHS ones.
Not entirely sure what your getting worked up about here (except perhaps the breastfeeding comments)
I'll be honest, none of the things you've mentioned sound particularly judgemental to me... maybe it was the way she said it?
She sounds genuinely concerned/excited and like she's trying to offer support?
i suppose that typing it out doesn't show the way she says it 🤣 it it was the case of excitement and research a quick google would show that I can float on my stomach in the bath and would avoid the very judgemental statement of "i hope you're not resting on your stomach". i suppose it's just the fact that i feel she is having to protect my child from me??
OP, read this in a nice and gentle voice: none of it sounds judgemental to me.
Just normal pregnancy talk. If she can't ask you whether you know how to change a nappy, what would you be comfortable with her asking?
As for the due date thing, I think that's very kind of her. I would be touched she remembered and was thinking of me.
I think you need to relax a bit.
Maybe she's a bit jealous? I was ttc for over a year and a close friend became pregnant during that time - I'm sure I was a bit overly invested in her pregnancy from time to time I meant well, I was just so excited for her! Just another perspective, who knows really? Unless you ask her
I'm not sure I'd take them as rude.
I'd take them as her being overly (inappropriately?) involved/someone being a know-it-all.
I think you could probably end the comments by saying you feel she's trying to tell you what to do when you need to figure out what's best for you.
I wonder if she could also be super excited?
I'm not defending her as I don't know but just to provide another perspective... I was SO fascinated when my best friend got pregnant I asked all these sorts of questions out of genuine interest and not out of judgment.
Was she going to breastfeed and why (and why do people obsess over that question?)? Is she still able to sleep on her tummy because that's the only way I've ever known her sleep? How close to her due date was she comfortable travelling/attending events? Would I be allowed to babysit? What sort of pram were they getting, were they getting a new cot or would she trust a second hand one?
I never ever assumed I knew better, I was just interested in her choices and wanted to support them more than anything. Maybe I'm being too kind to your friend or maybe I was a fricking nightmare best friend and had no idea 😱😱😟
thanks, makes sense i know she is invested!! i am a very overly sensitive pregnant person so i suppose it must be that lol
It sounds like she's just trying to show interest and be involved, not worth getting upset over.
i wish any of my friends had been that interested or supportive when I had my first! Maybe one or two came to see us when she was a newborn then didn't see us again until baby was over a year old. And only 1 of that group has met my second baby.
I think I may have been in the same sort of place as you if im reading it right, someone started to drive me up the wall from minute I announced my pregnancy. I wouldnt say 'judgemental' comments but perhaps similarly to you, speaking to me in a way/with a tone that suggested that I knew nothing about my pregnancy and what to expect from my baby and they assumed they needed to educate me (especially about breastfeeding...which they seemed so so so forceful about) I came from a big family so been around lots of babies and had done my own reading/research etc so I found her frustrating to be around and dreaded seeing her wondering what the lecture would be this time, so in short the solution was to reduce contact as much as possible whilst remaining polite as to not lose the friendship and to tell her I already knew/had/planned/sorted this that and the other as soon as she started mentioning that particular thing then talk about non-baby things (change subject). Its a shame as if she hadnt been so forceful perhaps I would have approached her for advice or to chat about babies etc. They soon settle down once they see you've got it covered.
Thar reads to me also like she’s trying to show an interest and be helpful to you. No clue what the first poster is on about.
The usual line on mumsnet is "no one is that interested in your baby". But your friend is. I'd think how absolutely wonderful it is that she is so interested and cares so much. You'd be on here moaning if she hadn't mentioned anything. Honestly some people take offence to eveything!
thanks everyone! i haven't said anything to her or anything and she is a good friend I know she means well but it does just feel that she thinks she would do a better job than me!! even if that is subconscious and with her telling me really unhelpful stuff about breastfeeding that her boyfriends flat mate wasn't breast fed and now he's allergic to milk... it's just not helpful! i'm not writing her off as a friend or anything just today talking about going on my stomach was the final straw that i thought you don't know what you're talking about but are making me feel quite guilty and bad! I think i'll just have to deal with it and let her see for herself when he's here i am able to do it! x
I think you are way overthinking this. Would you rather she wasn’t interested at all? She’s likely trying to be supportive with something that is completely new to her, and I don’t see how what she has said is judgemental, it just seems like she has been trying to educate herself a bit so she can support you.
Often the first of a group of friends to have a baby can feel left out cos the others aren’t interested. I think you are lucky to have a friend who wants to be involved.
Op could it be she’s hitting a nerve, could you think maybe she’d be a better mum than you? First time mum nerves? I can’t see anything in her comments that would indicate she thinks what you think she is saying. So maybe it’s about your own feelings? Which is totally normal to be nervous etc,
It comes across to me as excited & learning about pregnancy, trying to be involved & maybe a little uninformed or immature...but not judgey or rude. Have patience OP, she could be the one friend who stays involved when the rest are too busy out clubbing, new bfs, jobs ...
I had my first at 21....young parenthood is a good esy to find out who is happy to stay in, make you a cup of tea, keep you company when you have a teething baby & literally can't find a minute to put a comb thro your hair never mind going out clubbing! Young parenthood is fab...but she sounds like she could be a kind supportive friend if you need one...
I know what you mean OP, none of the comments are rude/inappropriate but the overall picture can sometimes be patronising. I am 34 wks PG and the amount of unsolicited advice I get... especially from people who've never had babies! I just practised my bland smile and did a lot of "mmhmm"ing
@Bluntness100 oh i definitely have nerves, he was a surprise! maybe it is more reflecting my own insecurity like you said! i think it's not necessarily the comments more the flippant way in which they're said with no back up and how they make me feel bad for even thinking i might not breast feed when really it's nothing to do with anyone except for myself and my baby. i suppose as well i've never had something that i'm so protective of before haha!
She sounds a bit over-invested and therefore annoying, but I don’t see how anything she said is upsetting or judgemental.
I can’t see she’s done anything wrong here op. Maybe she thinks you’re as green as her about babies so is offering advice.
22 is very young so I’d give her a break
She doesn't sound malicious, but she does sound a bit of a know it all and I can see how some of those comments would be irritating.
I was the best mum in the world. Honestly, I won awards and everything. Until I actually became one.
Then you join this exclusive club where you know what it's really like. Everyone is utterly clueless to start. You just make it up as you go along.
I did seem to grow a pair after the birth and learned pretty quickly to take a lot less crap from people. You will be fine.
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