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To have called DH out on this regarding his children?

(63 Posts)
PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:09:44

Two DSC.

I have always felt that DH favours one of them and quite noticeably too. He will always talk about DSC2 as if they are the most amazing thing in the world (which I get when they are your kids but I mean he only really talks about DSC2 like this), it's also quite noticeable when the two children argue, he will nearly always take DSC2s side even if they are both wrong, it's always 'DSC1 is older and should know better' despite them being barley any difference in age and definitely both old enough to know better. He babies DSC2 a lot, wants cuddles from them etc... But never asks DSC1 (who is only a year older) and I am fairly certain that DSC1 is starting to notice too which makes me angry and sad for them.

Anyway the other evening we were talking about the children and he started off again on a big long ramble about how brilliant DSC2 is, such a character, so funny etc etc.

I just kind of blew a bit and asked if he realises how much he comes across as if DSC2 is his favourite? I pointed out all of the things above too.

He is upset with me now basically saying I don't understand because I don't have kids and if I did I'd know that you don't have 'favourites', that he does think DSC2 is all of the things he said so why can't he say that?

I've said I didn't for a second say he isn't all of those things but that DSC1 also has lots of lovely traits that never really get spoken about, he never seems to be as lovey towards them, doesn't speak about them to other people as often etc... And I just don't like it.

He's now saying he feels he can't say nice things about DSC2 in front of me hmm That wasn't my point at all! Was IBU?

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PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:13:00

Add it to the fact that DSC1 is actually very well behaved and a lovely kid and DSC2, whilst they are also lovely, is actually the more difficult out of the two in terms of behaviour, I just feel really upset for DSC1 sometimes like it's just not recognised at all that they are actually a really good kid.

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Soubriquet Wed 10-Jun-20 16:13:23

Are they both the same sex?

I’ve noticed some men talk about one of their kids more, and it’s generally because it’s the sex the dh really wanted

Yanbu for pointing it out. He needs to grow up and stop favouritising

PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:13:43

No, they are both the same.

OP’s posts: |
WhiteCat1704 Wed 10-Jun-20 16:16:28

He has a golden child dynamic going? If yes proceed in the relationship with caution...

Nottherealslimshady Wed 10-Jun-20 16:17:16

You were right for pointing it out. Explain that theres nothing wrong with loving one child so much but he should also love the other that much

EineReiseDurchDieZeit Wed 10-Jun-20 16:20:04

You were right to bring it up. The older child has already definitely noticed before you did

Baseline2815 Wed 10-Jun-20 16:21:30

Yanbu. If I were you, I'd start making comments about DSC1, to DSC1. Obviously do the same for DSC2, act positive and even-handed yourself. If DH is only praising DSc2, chip in with 'and DSC1 did XXX, aren't they both great?'

PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:21:55

WhiteCat1704

He has a golden child dynamic going? If yes proceed in the relationship with caution...

Thanks.

This may sound just as bad but it annoys me that really if anyone were going to be 'golden child' it would be DSC1! He is so well behaved, polite, kind, helps out etc... DSC2 is lovely, funny and yes a character but he can be such a handful and very difficult behaviour wise a lot of the time.

It's almost like because DSC1 is good most of the time, he gets forgetten.

OP’s posts: |
Horehound Wed 10-Jun-20 16:23:06

Can you have another conversation about it with him? Say he has missed the point and that he can say whatever about DS2 but what about DS1?

Merryoldgoat Wed 10-Jun-20 16:24:09

YANBU and you sound very kind and caring towards your SC which is good especially for the older.

Parents often have favourites, it’s bollocks to pretend otherwise.

FudgeBrownie2019 Wed 10-Jun-20 16:25:23

The older one is probably being conditioned into behaving perfectly because they see that they're not the favourite, so do their best not to rock the boat in the hopes of becoming the favourite. DC pick up on far more than we credit them with.

I don't think YABU to point it out to him; it's shitty and hurtful and as someone who sounds like they care very much for his DC you have nothing to gain by saying this; you're simply explaining what you see. If he's unwilling to acknowledge his own behaviour then I don't know what more you can do, but I'd be cautious about planning a future with someone who believed unfairness towards his own DC was acceptable.

Plancina Wed 10-Jun-20 16:26:29

YWNBU my dad favours my younger sister, there are four of us and it is so so blatantly obvs and always has been and tbh it has soured our relationship with him as we all felt annoyed and pushed out by it.

TerribleCustomerCervix Wed 10-Jun-20 16:26:47

You sound like a lovely step mum OP

YangShanPo Wed 10-Jun-20 16:27:09

He might not like it but he should really be thanking you for pointing this out if he cares about both of his children and their future relationship with him. If he doesn't change I would look on it as a character flaw in him. The comment about you not having your own children was a little uncalled for also.

FudgeBrownie2019 Wed 10-Jun-20 16:28:08

Also, if you read a few threads about parents on MN you'll see that plenty of parents really do have favourites, and the damage it can do can be catastrophic to the children. Just because he doesn't believe it doesn't mean it's not happening - he simply doesn't care.

PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:29:33

I definitely think it's a 'youngest' thing. He is babied by both parents a lot in my personal opinion. There were lots of things that he's only just being made to do by himself because I've pushed it, making himself a drink, brushing teeth etc... and even now DH will find it hard not to just do all of these things for him instead. He's always asking for cuddles (DH I mean) with him and never asks DSC1 as he thinks they probably don't want them as they are 'too old', despite there only being a year between them.

To be fair, DSC1 does seem quite a lot older in the way he acts. But as a PP said it makes me wonder if this is because he's been forced to be?

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Snagscardies Wed 10-Jun-20 16:29:43

Is Sc1 like your partner in personality?

VettiyaIruken Wed 10-Jun-20 16:31:02

Ask him to tell you a list of equally wonderful things about his older son.

I bet he'll struggle.

Unless he accepts what he's clearly doing, he's going to fuck up both kids and quite possibly wreck their relationship with each other. You only need to read all the 'gc' threads on here to know it has a lifelong effect.

OhYeahYouSuck Wed 10-Jun-20 16:31:09

YANBU. What struck me is instead of then going on to say what he likes about DSC1, he defended his position on DSC2 and said he feels like he can't say anything nice about him, rather than showing any focus on the 1 child you said he very clearly doesn't favour. He confirmed it right there and then.

You were right to point it out and it may be worth pointing out that DSC1 is noticing it as well and this will affect his relationship with his dad.

GreyishDays Wed 10-Jun-20 16:32:18

Roughly how old are they?

Can you help a bit to make sure the older one gets one on one time with their dad? I feel a lot closer to mine when I’ve done that. Even just a walk together.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit Wed 10-Jun-20 16:32:17

Funny, you have made me think of friends of mine.

Both parents think the sun shines out of their DC2.

DC1 is the sunniest, most amiable child, but is criticised by parents as "whingy", I've never seen them whinge once.

DC2 is in fact the constantly whingy child, rude, very stubborn and quite surly. DC2 is not at all popular with other adults, but both parents seem blind to it and also blind to their DC1's good points.

Its strange, maybe the closer up something is the less you can see it.

OhYeahYouSuck Wed 10-Jun-20 16:32:44

VettiyaIruken

Ask him to tell you a list of equally wonderful things about his older son.

I bet he'll struggle.

Unless he accepts what he's clearly doing, he's going to fuck up both kids and quite possibly wreck their relationship with each other. You only need to read all the 'gc' threads on here to know it has a lifelong effect.

Yes to this. A relative of mine favoured one of her children over the other. The non favoured child HATES the favourite child as adults and refuses to have anything to do with them. It's really sad as it's not the favourite's fault at all.

PinkDogPurpleCow Wed 10-Jun-20 16:33:00

Snagscardies

Is Sc1 like your partner in personality?

Erm, out of the two of them I'd say yes he is more like DH than the SC2.

They are both wildly different in personality, the two children. They are essentially polar opposites really. But both have so many individual things about them that are things to be proud of. I think because SC1 isn't as 'out there' or as 'cheeky' as SC2, he just gets forgotten when DH is speaking about them iyswim.

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Elsiebear90 Wed 10-Jun-20 16:34:01

I think parents often favour the child that is most like them, well in my experience anyway, my fiancée is the scapegoat for her mother because she looks and acts like her father, her brother is the golden child because he looks and acts like her. My parents won’t admit it, but my brother is my mum’s favourite because he’s more like her, I’m my dad’s favourite because I’m more like him.

Is there any chance the child be favours is more like him and the other child is more like their mother?

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