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Do abusive mysoginists put you off men in general?

(58 Posts)
ExtraSyllable Wed 10-Jun-20 10:12:50

I'm heterosexual and happily single atm, wasn't ruling out another relationship in the future but the more I see and learn about certain high profile men or very rich ones using and abusing women and girls given the chance the more I dislike men in general.

I know that's not totally fair and I have a son and father who I love very much but it's so obvious now with people like Saville, Epstein, Weinstein and just last night I watched a Sky documentary about hundreds of underage gymnasts being abused by their appointed doctor in the US.

Part of me feels that given the opportunity they would all do it, and it sickens me and puts me off.

AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Wed 10-Jun-20 10:16:49

I have hope of meeting a good man, but yes, between the news and my own actual experiences, it does make me much more wary. Extremely wary actually.

Trevsadick Wed 10-Jun-20 10:18:55

No it doesn't put me off all men.

It makes me wary of men i know.

I dont agree that all men would do it given the choice. By saying that you think your father would have abused you.....why didn't he have the chance? Your son will abuse a woman and/or child the minute her gets the chance to?

As you know, thats not logical.

That doesnt mean there isn't a problem with men (as a group) assaulting women
There absolutely is. But I treat people as individuals.

I wouldnt leave my kids with someone I didnt trust, man or woman. But the i have been abused by a woman.

thepeopleversuswork Wed 10-Jun-20 10:21:27

I think its a stretch to say that all men would, given the choice, behave like Jeffery Epstein. I think its more that a certain type of highly driven, narcissistic personality is drawn to that world which facilitates that kind of abuse. The vast majority of men, mysoginistic or otherwise, are not that cruel or extreme and are just not motivated to behave that way.

The much more pressing point for women is that we live in a society the terms of which are still dictated by men. I think men, even the relatively "progressive" ones, struggle internally with the concept of full female equality, however much lip service they pay to it in their relationships. A lot of them still subconsciously expect to be the head of the family, the breadwinner etc and to dictate terms of the relationship financially, emotionally and practically.

And even among the "progressive" ones, a shocking small amount genuinely share the load, physical or mental, on childcare and domestic work.

This is where we need to focus, rather than panicking about a few disturbing outliers.

ExtraSyllable Wed 10-Jun-20 10:23:01

I didn't grow up with my father, met him in later life.

OP’s posts: |
Mumoblue Wed 10-Jun-20 10:23:12

I dunno how to say this nicely but the way society expects and excuses men in how they act does put me off a little bit.

I dont think I would be with a man who had a very set idea on what being a man was and believed in gender roles.

If me and DP broke up I'd probably stay single. I'm not afraid of being on my own and would much prefer it to putting up with some of the crap men get up to over on the relationships board.

ExtraSyllable Wed 10-Jun-20 10:24:04

Thanks for responses so far, food for thought.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Wed 10-Jun-20 10:24:34

You are consuming only information about the psycho abusive men. Most men are lovely. They don't get documentaries made about them.

ExtraSyllable Wed 10-Jun-20 10:27:40

And many don't get caught.

OP’s posts: |
thepeopleversuswork Wed 10-Jun-20 10:32:13

TorkTorkBam

“Most men are lovely”.

Seems a bit of a sweeping statement and somewhat irrelevant statement. The distribution of “lovely” men is probably like that of women: some are lovely, some are arseholes, some are in the middle with a fair few who can be both depending on what they need from you etc.

Also men can be lovely without that undermining the fact that this is still a deeply sexist society which is set up to prioritise men’s needs.

Trevsadick Wed 10-Jun-20 10:33:14

I didn't grow up with my father, met him in later life.

So you believe he would have abaued you if you got the chance. I assume you don't allow your kids to be around him at all?

And believe somewhere along the line he has abused a woman or child?

GinDaddyRedux Wed 10-Jun-20 10:33:46

No, hmm , i wouldn't do it. Nor would whole swathes of other men I know.

It takes a certain personality type to want to do that. Exposure to lots of women isn't the ossification process that creates that.

When I was (a lot) younger I played sport and was prominent in music locally. I met some women for what it's worth. The fundamental point though is that consent was front, centre and paramount in everything. I and all other guys I know, wouldn't consider anything else. A few of us have DDs.. I'm not saying that precludes any predatory behaviour in all fathers but Christ, it focuses the mind where I'm concerned.

The point is, Weinstein, Epstein, these are narcissistic predators who created and engineered success in order to do what they do. 100%.

So no. I strongly object that every man given a chance and opportunity might do it. I like consent, it's sexy, it's the only thing. Sorry if that disabused your notions etc

june2007 Wed 10-Jun-20 10:41:06

No I don,t think some high profile abusers mean all men are abusers any more then I think all women are murderers because Myra Hindley and Rose west are. But I have good male role models in my life and most men I met are very decent blokes. (Fully acknowledge you don,t always know what goes on behind closed doors and people change in relationships.)

Mintjulia Wed 10-Jun-20 10:51:13

It’s sad op but I do think you have to be very wary.

I seem to be able to spot the ones who will sleep around but the three relationships I’ve had in the last 15 years have all tried to exploit me financially. And when the “can I borrow x large amount of money” (my house deposit) came and I said no, all three reacted badly.

It has shaken my trust in men so I am no longer looking for a relationship. If a decent man landed in my lap, that would be lovely but I don’t expect it to happen.

It’s such a shame. I hope you fare better.

JustC Wed 10-Jun-20 11:02:29

Nope, but over time, it has helped me see the signs earlier on when meeting someone new. It's worth considering there are quite a few sexist women out there as well. Would that put you off having any female friends?

AmeliaTaylor Wed 10-Jun-20 11:03:40

Not at all.

I’ve had my share of sexist catcalling, verbal abuse, sexual assault.

But the men I choose to have in my life, husband, friends etc., male colleagues, exes, have all been respectful, thoughtful guys, actively seeking to hear what it’s like to be a woman and deal with all of the above without denying or minimising. Treat me and other women around them as equals.

I sometimes think people who tar all men with the same brush must have been either incredibly unlucky with the guys they’ve allowed into their lives or chosen some pretty awful characters to partner up with or befriend. I wouldn’t appreciate anyone claiming women are a homogenous group who are all a certain way.

SerendipityJane Wed 10-Jun-20 11:18:23

Are only men misogynistic ?

MoggyMittens23 Wed 10-Jun-20 11:34:07

The only thing I would say, and this is experience from working in a part of the sex industry (no I wasn't a porn star or prostitute or anything like that!) is that a very, very big number of men (the ones you wouldn't expect, loving husbands, dads, grandfathers) would, given the opportunity sleep with a much younger woman. Im talking men in their 60s plus wanting to sleep with teenagers. And not just a few men, LOADS. And these were just the ones acting on it, so goodness knows how many have the sae thoughts Yes it puts me off men (although happily married) but makes me look at men differently for sure. Even y own family members.

B1rdbra1n Wed 10-Jun-20 11:35:39

Power corrupts and men have been given too much power

Trevsadick Wed 10-Jun-20 11:40:57

Actually theres huge amounts of older wimen that would sleep with a much younger man given the chance too.

More than I ever thought.

HalloumiSalad Wed 10-Jun-20 11:45:02

No because I know loads of lovely men who are morally reliable. I am scared for my DD though who will have to wade through copious quantities of horrible guys to find a good one when (if) she decides she'd like to meet one.

BankofNook Wed 10-Jun-20 11:52:32

There are lots of lovely men who I love/like as individuals however in terms of violence/sexual assault/abuse men as a group are problematic. If I was ever single at any point then it would make me wary of dating and having to sift through the arseholes to find someone decent.

Woodlandwalks Wed 10-Jun-20 11:53:26

What a horrible horrible thread! You believe all men have the capacity to be like a handful of men who's crimes are considered sick enough to have made it into global news? There are many many wonderful, kind, caring and loving men out there and it's frankly disgusting to lump them all together as would be rapists. Evil people (male or female) are raised that way in 99% of cases. A misogynist will raise a misogynist. Change the World by raising good people. Or would you rather is just drown all newborn baby boys because they're doomed to be evil when they grow up. Disgusting! You don't deserve the love of a good man of you think they're all beneath you.

SerendipityJane Wed 10-Jun-20 11:55:19

You believe all men have the capacity to be like a handful of men who's crimes are considered sick enough to have made it into global news?

I believe misogyny is an equal opportunity game that women can play too.

MoggyMittens23 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:09:02

@Trevsadick there are women out there that like a younger man I agree. but it's not comparable. The men I am talking about want "fresh" young teens, or women a bit older but dressed in school uniform in pig tails etc (school girl fantasies being HUGE remember)
I can't see many (im sure there are some) grown women fantasising about being with a school boy.
You can try and make it seem as though it's both ways but it's just not.

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