Need some advice please as feeling very anxious about this whole situation.
Became friendly with a lady I met through a mutual hobby a few years back, she's a little younger than me so in slightly different places in our lives in that I have a lot going on, not much spare time outside of work (Other than said hobby) due to commitments with looking after parents, kids etc. Happy to strike up a friendship initially, we are in a similar line of work so had that in common, exchanged texts and attended a couple of social events (perhaps 1-2 a year) as a group with others.
As time went on, she became more & more demanding. She is often ill/upset/had an argument with someone quite a lot of the time and often has very eventful things going on in her life (not taking away from the fact that must be really hard) & would often call/text using me as a bit of a soundboard, never checking how I was getting on.
She once sent me reams and reams of messages/calls regarding her own issues, the day after I'd had a close family bereavement (which she was aware of as I had messaged the group to explain why I wouldn't be attending this week). Similar things have happened many times. Also if the response is delayed, there is often a "guilt" element. One occasion a year or so ago she texted a couple of times and I was working so didn't answer... & then she's text again to see "just to let you know" she is being rushed into hospital, and then when I texted/called back to say I'm sorry to hear that and for late response is there anything you need, she was already home & fine (2-3 hours later). On a couple of occasions if I haven't answered due to being caught up or having my own stuff to deal with, she will get her husband to message me saying she is upset or usually something to make me feel guilty for not replying saying she needs support. For context, I have never met her husband, she has also in fact never been to my house or spent time with me 1-1.
If I'm being honest I think she feels we are closer than we are, I do feel guilty, but the friendship was having a detrimental effect on my mental health. I sort of gradually pulled away and we still text from time to time politely how are you etc, but have resigned from this role of constant support. She does have other friends, one of whom I believe has now replaced me in this role.
Anyway, all fine. Until I recently found out she has now accepted a job at the same company as me. I absolutely love my job, and now I am dreading going in. She is the type of person who everyone loves at the first meeting, very extroverted and charming (I am not), but that tends to then slip away after a while when people feel a bit bulldozed especially if people have their own things going on. Therefore I am worried how I'll be "painted" if I'm on the wrong side of her. Also, since she has accepted this job, the long messages have begun again!! About similar stuff, always paragraphs about an incident or problem... I sometimes wonder if its the only way she knows how to communicate with other people and its not intentional. But I cannot have this in my working life.
AIBU to try and sort of cut this off but remain professional...? Any advice would be so appreciated. I also am aware that now this is in a work environment, I don't want to look unprofessional. I feel as though I will probably be introduced as her "close friend" to others, so I may look like a horrible person then! Its so difficult.
thank you
AIBU?
AIBU...difficult friend/now work colleague...
Candlequeen2 · 10/06/2020 08:48
Am I being unreasonable?
92 votes. Final results.
POLLOP,
I can understand your anxiety about this but you need to be very clear.
You need to be unavailable.
Very very slow to answer texts....don't answer some.
To the long texts...answer briefly with bland, banal answers..like wishing you well, hope things improve, hope today is better.
Do not offer advice or an opinion on ANYTHING. Certainly offer zero opinions on anything connected with the office.
If someone mentions ye are close friends, disabuse them of this by "we just know each other through a hobby, that's all".
Be very busy.
Constantly mention how busy and demanding your life is.
Block the husbands number, ridiculous that he has your number.
If things come to a head, just tell her that
"I'm really sorry for you but my family need me and I huge commitments besides work".
Say it with a smile and keep away from her at work.
Do not do lunch with her at work.
All you are is an earhole to her.
Head down, arse up at work...sooooo busy.
Unavailable outside of work due to family commitments.
Hopefully others on here will give you better advice than mine.
I run a mile from people like this, my radar is super sensitive having been caught in my 30's by two people like this.
I went cold turkey and was ruthless but I appreciate the work thing is more complicated.
Most important thing is not to let people hear ye are best friends and for this to go unchallenged.
People like this cause anxiety!
I'm almost embarrassed to admit this but when this happened to me 15 years ago, I found one particular day I wanted to cry when I saw this person's number come up on the phone.
I was pregnant with my 4th child, had been unwell and was feeling great physically for the first time in a couple of weeks.
I answered the phone and she started on about her problems.....she was building a home and she had problems with the delivery of marble for her floors...she went on and on...I got off the phone and blocked her number....I was done!
She was a nice person but I had ended up as her earhole. I had ended up telling her nothing about my life as I wanted to just end the calls.
I felt bad for her, but I was just completely drained from her non drama.
I realised that with 3 young children, pregnant with my forth, she was the sole stress in my life.
Fxxk that.
The relief when she was blocked was enormous.
Good idea to just pass her on to HR.
She wants to use you as her go to person for info and advice in the job.
Do NOT become her source of information.
Be ruthless in passing her on.
A whiner like her will definitely have plans to rope you in as her new work confidant.
In conversation be TOTALLY loyal to your colleagues.
She could be dangerous.
Let us know how things go.
When I was younger I had a couple of instances where I had difficulty with a person and thought I was alone, then afterwards it transpired that everyone else was thinking the same thing too...
It can sometimes be useful to glance around at other people's faces if someone like that is holding forth in a public environment like a workplace. You can pick up clues about what other people are thinking without committing yourself in speech. If someone notices that you are not listening you can always just say something like, 'Must get back to work!' and move away.
I am in my forties and still find it quite hard to read people, but I am hoping to be fairly perceptive by the time I retire!
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