Am I being difficult?

[Sunflowersok]

Am I being difficult by wanting to be heard about why I am upset without them giving a reason for why I shouldn’t be? And not to be left to it when they know their actions have upset me.

For example. A trivial example but one nonetheless.


DP messaging his customers late at night (say, 10-11pm). I have never liked this, I find it very strange but that’s my opinion. It may be the norm for others, but it unsettles me. DP knows how I feel about this as it’s been addressed before, so the norm is for both of us to leave work related matters until the next day. I walk in the kitchen one night to find him messaging Customer, not just a one off message but engaging in conversation. The issue can wait until the next day. I say, in an annoyed tone ‘should you be messaging them at this time of night?’ He says ‘oops sorry’ in a sarcastic tone. I feel mocked at the sarcasm, and annoyed at the action.

I sit angry for the rest of the evening. DP will NOT apologise or acknowledge how I feel, even though he knows the reason. He will let me stew until I admit it. Then When I finally tell him what’s wrong (even though he knows what’s wrong) instead of apologising again he will give me a list of reasons why he did it.

I feel like

1. He purposely doesn’t address I am hurt until I am pressured to admit it myself. Even though he full on knows the reason why I am upset.
   

For me, this feels like if I am forced to be the one to cause the drama of having a problem, as I am the one who brings it up. Instead of him just coming up to me and saying ‘I’m sorry, I know how this makes you feel and I acknowledge it’ he leaves me to stew I’m my own hurt.

1. If I raise something that is upsetting to me, instead of just accepting how I feel and saying I’m sorry You feel like that, he will list a million reasons why he did the action. He may apologise yes, but it’s usually followed by ‘But x,y,z...‘
   

This list of reasons makes me feel like my feelings are invalidated. Yes I was messaging a customer but I’m doing it for us. (Therefore, you have no right to feel that way).

Does this make sense? It happens every time there’s some discrepancy in his actions.

Otherwise, he will apologise countlessly over trivial things and has no problems Saying sorry for the mundane, even though he knows It’s stuff I wouldn’t ever be upset over. He breaks a glass and he will be ‘in so sorry! I feel really bad about it. I’m so stupid etc’

He knows I’m not arsed about the glass And I will tell him so, and that he’s not stupid and not to worry, it’s just a glass! but he will Go on and on apologising. No problem apologising for something that doesn’t matter. But when he knows he has genuinely upset me, he will leave me to my upset knowing full well I am upset. And then list his reasons for doing them.

I have bipolar disorder and I feel small things to the complete extreme - although I try and take accountability over being upset over small things, some things do really build up and I struggle with my emotions. I just want acknowledgement when I am upset, am I being unreasonable to want that?

[UnfinishedSymphon]

What is he messaging his customers about that late at night, is it work stuff or just general chit chat?

[Sunflowersok]

Just for a bit of background too, my ex was terribly abusive and sometimes I can’t see the wood for the trees.

He used to do something to rile me, on purpose. then ask me what’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong with a smirk on his face until I admitted how I felt. He would then use that to have a go at me, or blame me, or use role reversal on the situation. I know it isn’t the same but I do get very confused between what I feel inside and what’s really happening in reality so that doesn’t help.

[Sunflowersok]

It is usually work stuff. He is a very friendly person so likes to get his head stuck in conversation but the texting thing isn’t the issue here so I’d like to keep the main focus on the outcome of how he approaches the upset

[YouBringLightInToADarkPlace]

In the nicest possible way, you probably need to worry less about what he/ others are doing- it sounds quite controlling ...
Not easy with everything magnified in lockdown, I agree.

[GalwayGrowl]

How long have you been with DP?

It sounds like he's scared of you. What's the problem with him replying to a customer?

I can see it would be annoying during dinner/a film/an activity with you, but if he's on his own in the kitchen why does it matter?

[gutentag1]

Tbh it sounds like you are getting upset about nothing. He's agreed to stop doing it to avoid an argument with you, but he doesn't believe that you're right so he will continue to do what he wants when you're not looking, as would I.

[ChicCroissant]

It might be that you've not given us a very good example there, but I don't see why you would be so angry at the way your husband chooses to do his work or when he does it. His work seems to be a trigger but I can't see why that would involve you at all, or why it would upset you.

[Slothsarecreepy]

I agree with YouBringLightToADarkPlace.

[Sunflowersok]

We were prepping for dinner together after he came home late from work and we was due to sit down. He was lingering around in the kitchen and I was waiting for him so we could eat. I went in the kitchen to see if he needed help and that’s when that happened.

He used to have his phone pinging through the night and it started getting to me so we decided that we keep work behind for the day when we both came home.

Again, that’s might be a weird example to give I don’t know.

I don’t think I’m controlling, I’m usually easy going unless my emotions get the better of me and then I struggle with them. Not outwards towards other people either, I usually carry it around on my own and it builds up. I’m not the one to outburst out of anger or anything, he definitely isn’t scared of me.

I just feel like he’s so easy to apologise for things that don’t matter, but won’t acknowledge when I’m genuinely upset.

[lifesgoodwithlg]

Yes you are being unreasonable based on the information given above. You husband has a different working style to you, in the nicest possible way, what gives you the right to dictate how he works? This comes across as very controlling

[FluffMagnet]

I think what screams out here is that, to him (and many others), responding to work at all hours is just something they do. It does not worry them and perhaps he doesn't fully take into account the impact it has on your life. My husband does the same - we are in the same profession so I understand why he does it (especially as his clients are spread all over the world, and don't consider it is midnight/Sunday evening/a bank holiday in the UK etc.) but it does eat into our private life. However, I don't think you seen too concerned by his feelings either. He obviously feels the pressure to work at these hours, and you seem annoyed by him being apologetic over "mundane" things - if my dad broke a glass we'd honestly not hear the end of his apologies for well over a week, not because he was really apologising to us, but more to himself as he is genuinely upset by clumsiness or small accidents that most of us would shrug off. You both need to communicate more, really listen to the other and employ a degree of flexibility. Unilaterally imposed rules just because you find something irritating will not help solve your issues.

[AriettyHomily]

It all sounds like hard work op and over analysed to the nth degree.

[Sunflowersok]

Okay, I never thought to see it like that. I will ask him whether he feels like I am controlling and then adapt based on what he needs from me. He has said before about the work thing that he does agree with me, and he’d rather not spend evenings being work focussed and Would rather us both have that uninterrupted time together.

Another example then this might be better?

He makes a joke but it comes across as very distasteful and hurtful. I take it personally and it’s harmed me.

He knows I am upset over joke and that he went too far, but rather than saying sorry though he knows why I am upset, he will leave me upset until I have to admit why.

[Sunflowersok]

@FluffMagnet no I don’t feel annoyed Uber his endless apology over mundane things. It’s lovely of him to do so. But put it in to comparison where his actions have actually upset me, and he seems to struggle Apologising then, this is where the issue lies

[Sunflowersok]

@FluffMagnet thank you for explaining your own personal take on the work thing

[namesnames]

Are you saying you sulk until he apologies as opposed to telling him how the joke/statement/whatever made you feel at the time?

[Neverender]

'Due to sit down'? Holy moly - let him do what he wants to within normal boundaries he's his own person!!!

[Sunflowersok]

He knows how it makes me feel. He knows how and why I was upset in the first place. As per the messaging customers.

If I was upset over something he had no idea about I wouldn’t expect him to apologise of course, I’d be in duty to tell him myself.

There’s are issues where he knows I’m upset

[Neverender]

Having re-read it I think you need to practice taking responsibility for your own emotions - he hasn't MADE you feel anything. They are your feelings to manage unless he's genuinely done something outrageous. Which he hasn't.

[Euclid]

I wouldn't overthink it.

[Sunflowersok]

@Neverender I’m sorry I’m not using the right words to explain the situation fully

He went to the kitchen to bring the plates so we could eat.

[Neverender]

Yes, you are being difficult.

[steff13]

I don't know, I tend to think that it's always your responsibility to tell someone why you're upset.

[Custardcreamies101]

You sound controlling

[Megatron]

OP, I don't think you sound 'controlling' that's a very overused term, particularly on mumsnet but it does sound like you like things your own way a little. We all do things differently, DH does things that drive me round the bend sometimes and I'm sure I do too but you kind of have to either accept your differences or not. If you feel that it needs to be 'my way or the highway' then maybe you're not right together? It needs to be give and take doesn't it.