Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.


In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.


I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.


She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.


They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

[RoosterPie]

Politely, I think you need to calm down.

[WhatInFreshHell]

Sorry to say this OP...but YABVU...

[Ohtherewearethen]

Sounds like you are getting a bit obsessed with this. Sharing utensils with your baby ruin their teeth?! I understand the no kissing with cold sores thing as they can kill a baby but the other stuff makes you sound a bit frantic to be honest.

[Cutangle]

YABU I’ll guarantee that before long you will share cutlery or utensils with your child. I have scrupulous hygiene when I have cold sores. My eldest has had cold sores since around three years old. My nine year old has never had one. My mum gets cold sores, my dad doesn’t. I get them, my siblings don’t. My ex husband never got them. Some people are immune to the virus. Some people just need to look at one to get one themselves. Once you have got the virus they are often triggered my stress, sunlight or ill health.

As for transmitting bacteria that causes cavities, well good oral hygiene and regular trips to the dentist will prevent that.

If you aren’t confident them having your child then maybe you need to think about a nursery. Although be aware that children kiss each other all the time so you won’t have any more control there than when your child is at the grandparents.

[rosegoldivy]

sorry, another vote that YABVVU

Do you regularly suffer from anxiety?

I don't mean any offence, but you are defo OTT and need to relax

[Natashabobasha1]

I think the responses so far are probably from people who suffer from coldsores already... ...

But I'd like to know WHAT to do. It's about dishonesty and trust. It's not about herpes...

[Flamingolingo]

I’ve been there - relations with my PIL soured a lot after my first DC was born (actually after the wedding they tried to sabotage but these events were 9m apart, so...). I’m not sure you’re being completely unreasonable, but it doesn’t look as though your PIL providing childcare is going to work. You don’t trust them - they’re probably not going to follow your rules because they think you’re overbearing. You’ll just get frustrated/angry because you will always think they’re undermining you.

The cold sore thing is sort of understandable, the herpes simplex virus is very dangerous for small babies. But you married a man with cold sores so your child will probably get them at some point.

The not sharing cutlery with your child is a bit weird. But I wouldn’t want my ILs to do that.

[ShouldISurrogate]

The cold sores is a big no no but do I say this as someone who cried for 30 minutes because my step dad kissed my 4 day old daughter with an active cold sore and it came to nothing.

It sounds like you are being overprotective, remain stubborn about the cold sore thing so it sticks with them but other than that you need to trust them. Worrying this much isn’t healthy and if your stressed your LO feels that too.

[Natashabobasha1]

Do you feel the need to lie about coldsores? Why would she lie about objective reality?

[pictish]

You sound very anxious what with the cold sores, the utensils (!), the messages telling people not to kiss your baby etc.
Yabu but I don’t suppose you’ll hear it because you’re in the grip of it.

[Megan2018]

You are being utterly ridiculous and completely unreasonable.

Calm down, COVID aside let people touch and kids your child like normal. And as for utensils, what a load of batshittery.

You need to see a GP about this obsessive behaviour, not at all normal.

If you have a poor relationship with your inlaws I have no idea why you would plan for them to provide childcare, get a childminder or nursery rather than rely on family that you don’t like. Weird.

[Oysterbabe]

You sound absolutely nuts.
Your poor baby will be damaged more by your paranoia and being prevented from having a normal relationship with their extended family then by any bacteria.

[Natashabobasha1]

I'm American. I think the writing style sounds insane to people on mumsnet. I wrote an identical thread on the US site and people were calling for the death of my inlaws...

[Intergalactica]

YANBU for protecting your child. Cold sores are very dangerous for babies so I don’t see why you’re getting so many YABU responses. Actually I think you should confront your MIL. If she’s lying about things like that it does create an issue of distrust and points to a wider problem. Good luck with what you decide OP

[Natashabobasha1]

Maybe people on the thread think it's insane not to give their kids coldsores and gum disease.... let's let mouth kissing be a lover's thing and swapping spit be for sex, thank you.

I'm asking what I should do about the lying.

[Tableclothing]

On one hand, I think you do sound like you might benefit from some support with anxiety. On the other, I also think that in your situation I would want to move house...

[Oysterbabe]

And yes you shouldn't use them for childcare when you dislike and don't trust them. If my DIL wanted me to look after the kids for free then wanted to micromanage what I did I'd tell her to get lost.

[Intergalactica]

I asked all my family to sanitise their hands before holding my newborn and not to kiss her. It all seems dramatic and over the top to people who don’t know the risks!

[pictish]

That’s nice. Meanwhile back in the real world with the rational people, you need to be aware of and find some support for your anxiety.

[Natashabobasha1]

I think people feel offended because they share utensils with their kids and kiss their kids with herpes, maybe.

Thank you for the answer!

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

And there you have it, the explanation for Trump...

OP YANBU about the cold sores. Everything else about the cavities etc is crazy and I think you need some help. 💐

[Savingshoes]

I would strongly discourage you from quitting your job in 4 months time as I think being financially independent from someone when your DP's family are being so difficult might help you feel a little more in control and secure.
It seems clear that your IL are not as educated in child health and welfare and you have put a lot of energy into protecting your new young family, understandably so.
I think you need to trust your gut, they don't sound like they value the boundaries that you and your DP have put down and it's unlikely to improve unless they see you're not joking.
I would really look into alternative childcare, even if this is an expensive alternative you need to feel safe with the people who care for your child.
Just remember that you know your child better than anyone else and you are more than capable of making the best decisions for their future.

[pictish]

I’m aware of the risk. Nevertheless, you sound overwrought.

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

And I have never had a cold sore in my life, the assumption that everybody who disagrees with you suffers from them is just further madness.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Yes. Sharing of utensil’s can ruin children’s teeth. This is a finding that’s been researched for decades but has only become well accepted and started to be communicated tot he general public in the last 10 or so years.

See this news story for a very accessible and brief over view. Or look online for the research papers if you are more scientifically minded.

A kiss on it’s own is unlikely to do much, but cavities are caused by bacteria that comes from other people who have active tooth decay. It feeds on sugar (hence sugar is still “bad”) but it needs the bacteria to start and the bacteria doesn’t just exist in the air.


OP this is difficult for every generation - trying to get parents to accept the things that have been learned since they brought up their own kids. Are they intellectually curious? If so, may be try getting them to research it a bit so it comes more from themselves and not from you? Or find someone they respect who they Might be more inclined to take new information from? If you can’t find another route in you have to just keep dogging away at it. I try the amazed but breezy approach “I know! Isn’t it astounding what they find out? We keep having to change things. But it’s great to know there are things we can do and no longer have to just accept it.” While whisking the baby away, type of thing.