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Feeling distance from OH since BLM

(31 Posts)
chihuahualady Mon 08-Jun-20 23:22:00

I've been with my OH for over three years we have two children together. Throughout our whole relationship I've never looked at him differently and have never experienced the thoughts I'm having now.

The past few days I've researched so much about my Jamaican history and found out so much, my last name is a slave owners name my ancestors were sugar cane pickers ect.

The whole BLM movement has made me feel different, then tonight we watched sitting in limbo on bbc1 about the wind rush scandal.

I feel so much pain and anger and I understand my OH will not feel this way as he isn't black. But just his lack of interest, more excited about McDonald's opening and the shops blardy blah.

Not just him his family post so much crap on Facebook but haven't once thought to do some kind of research or comment about the things that have been going on just absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or I'm just very sensitive.

OP’s posts: |
Thisisworsethananticpated Mon 08-Jun-20 23:27:36

You have to tell him how shit you feel
A lot of my friends are going through the same pain , history and reading
Whilst you hopefully Won’t feel this shit forever the pain is HUGE
And there is no easy word or term to describe it ( say with bereavement )
I almost gently suggested a friend to NOT watch windrush as it’s almost too much to bear on top of everything else
Be very very kind to yourself flowers

chihuahualady Mon 08-Jun-20 23:35:34

I know your right I never thought it would effect me like this I just can not stop crying.
Some of his family keep posting alllivesmatter and I just want to scream.

I think I may just have to come of social media for a while because it's majorly upsetting for me.

OP’s posts: |
GalaxyAero Mon 08-Jun-20 23:40:04

I'm so sorry op. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, and look after yourself.

Pinkchocolate Mon 08-Jun-20 23:40:53

Tell him how you feel. Explain how deeply it’s affected you and the feelings it’s brought up. As for social media, a lot of people just don’t know what to say so instead post nothing, they may be thinking about it and doing their research or having conversations or whatever else so try not to take that personally. My best friend is Jamaican and we’ve had some gut-wrenching conversations. I consider myself quotes educated and I was quite ignorant on a lot of things, I’m not now. Reach out and tell people how you’re feeling, their reactions might surprise you.

Osirus Mon 08-Jun-20 23:41:30

I’d like to think we were all sensitive to this at the moment. I’m white, and I’m so ashamed of our involvement the slave industry. It hurts me when I think of what those people went through, and what members of the black community are going through STILL, after all this time.

I showed my almost 4 year old a collage of photos on Facebook of black and white children playing together, embracing each other. I asked her causally what she thought what was happening in the pictures and she said “love.”

I shed a tear or two! It makes me so sad that in time, years to come, she’ll likely be exposed to racist views (even if subconsciously) and I so want to protect her from this, in turn to protect those vulnerable to the effects of racism.

Your DP should certainly be showing more interest. I know that if my DP were black I would be doing all I could to support him and understand his experiences.

I hope the world changes. It’s about time.


SandyY2K Mon 08-Jun-20 23:42:00

The Windrush program on BBC was awful. When people say the demonstrations are about George Floyd...they need to realise it's more than's the systemic racism in this society.

They treated Anthony Bryan awfully and he's yet to receive compensation. I wanted to cry at the way he was treated.

It's very sad your OH doesn't get it. I can only imagine that will cause a disconnect between you.

Cornana Mon 08-Jun-20 23:43:37

I don’t have much advice to offer as I’m white, so won’t pretend to understand how hard things are right now. That said, I do not think you are unreasonable to expect more from your DH at this time. flowers

LemonadeAndDaisyChains Mon 08-Jun-20 23:44:37

Another one saying tell him how you feel.
If he's not black he'll likely not know how you could feel if he's never actively read up on the history.
Not because he doesn't care, just because it's something he's had no concept of.

nanbread Mon 08-Jun-20 23:47:52

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest. It feels like a hugely important shift in mobilising white people to support black people and trying to understand why things are the way they are, and why they need to change. The pain and anger you speak of has been all over the news and media, impossible to ignore.

So I can understand your hurt when the person who is meant to love and care for you more than anyone else seemingly can't be arsed to take an interest. Do you feel like he thinks he's "done the work" already? Has he even asked if you're ok?

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling xx

Thisisworsethananticpated Mon 08-Jun-20 23:48:00

Some of his family keep posting alllivesmatter and I just want to scream

Jesus I can’t blame you
I’ll keep my thought on that to myself as I won’t be helpful
Come off social media
Unfollow them

This is upsetting and awful you must prioritise your sanity and head for a few weeks

Again , be kind to yourself . It’s all pretty heavy and devastating flowers

LemonadeAndDaisyChains Mon 08-Jun-20 23:49:30

As for social media, a lot of people just don’t know what to say so instead post nothing, they may be thinking about it and doing their research or having conversations or whatever else so try not to take that personally

This, it doesn't mean I don't care if I'm not writing things. These past few weeks I've done a lot of reading (I'm white) I'm educating myself. Doesn't mean I don't care if I don't always post about it.
Although I find if I was to post, I get accused of virtue signalling.
Can't win.
How is it virtue signalling to want to call out racism?
I see injustice, I see inequality and I challenge it.

nanbread Mon 08-Jun-20 23:50:17

Some of his family keep posting alllivesmatter and I just want to scream.

I don't blame you @chihuahualady

"If my spouse comes to me in obvious pain and asks “Do you love me?”, an answer of “I love everyone” would be truthful, but also hurtful and cruel in the moment. If a co-worker comes to me upset and says “My father just died,” a response of “Everyone’s parents die,” would be truthful, but hurtful and cruel in the moment. So when a friend speaks up in a time of obvious pain and hurt and says “Black lives matter,” a response of “All lives matter,” is truthful. But it’s hurtful and cruel in the moment."

Bagelsandbrie Mon 08-Jun-20 23:52:17

You need to talk to your dh and tell him how you feel.

But as for posting on social media- don’t read anything into it. I don’t post anything other than smiley happy family photos and random funny crap that the kids do. Ever. I never like, comment or post anything remotely political, activist or news related. It’s don’t mean I don’t care deeply about these things, it’s just not what I use my social media for.

mrwalkensir Mon 08-Jun-20 23:53:44

If he's not trying to ignore it due to embarrassment/not knowing how to broach it...on the plus side, he/his family presumably aren't racist. But they're dim and insensitive. If he can sit through Limbo without even the faintest whiff of WTF, then yep - he's um dim (sorry - don't mean to insult your OH, but sounds like he's massively not worthy). Good luck getting it through to him if you can. We're shouting out here for you xxx

chihuahualady Mon 08-Jun-20 23:57:08

We have had so many debates the past couple of days and I have managed to changed his mind on a lot of things. But of course the same pain and anger I feel he could never understand. He was very upset about the rioting ect.

Me and one of his brothers are very close I tagged him in something and he replied I don't have the energy to read all of that.

I feel like I'm going through all these emotions alone, I'm worrying about how I'm suppose to face his family that are preaching rubbish on Facebook. Do I challenge them when I see them?Do I stay quiet and keep the peace? Do I just delete them? I don't know.

I've considered these people to be my family for so long and now I'm questioning everything.

OP’s posts: |
Packingsoapandwater Tue 09-Jun-20 00:04:42

I think you have to remember that other people, even those closest to you, maybe don't really comprehend how important it is to you or how it shifts your world.

My mum did all this a few years ago with our ethnic heritage and history, and some of the things she discovered really spun my head into knots. It was very difficult to come to terms with. But DH just didn't get why it bothered me so much.

But my personal experience was useful when I then did some research for an old friend whose ancestors' slave labour, I discovered, essentially paid for a very nice house in Scotland. Like you, his surname was that of the plantation owner that had "owned" his ancestors some 200 years ago.

He had a very hard time trying to process that, and he just spent ages staring at a picture of the house I had found online.

I think had I been him, I might have considered changing my name, but he never mentioned it.

SionnachGlic Tue 09-Jun-20 00:08:15

Take a break from SM if it is upsetting you that much. One of them will notice & adk why & you can then take that opportunity to explain that you have all this pain inside & it just hurts.

Tell your husband how you feel, you have children together. Lets hope & pray that things change for your young children never to have to experience racism...but their history & ancestry matters & it should matter also to your husband. And your family are your family, I would hope if they understood that your need understanding & kindness, you would receive it.

Thisisworsethananticpated Tue 09-Jun-20 00:08:31

Can you reach out to friends who DO feel the same ? As hands down pretty much every black friend I have are saying they feel like you
That might validate your feelings more flowers

And social media unfollow might be a kindness

Tigersneeze Tue 09-Jun-20 00:09:09

You're feelings are absolutely valid, how can you not feel angry by all the injustice.

I think it's worth open up to DH and share your feelings. I hope he hears you.

His family and their ignorance on social media - it is not your job to educate them. your idea of avoiding their posts sounds good.

Please know there are a lot of people who stand with you. We are here to listen and to actively speak out against racism.

OrangeCinnamon Tue 09-Jun-20 00:38:41

My Dad's Jamaican I could not watch sitting in limbo tonight, my husband recognised that ...he is going to watch it on his own in the morning. We've been together over twenty years though.

Like any relationship you need to know you have the same views on humanity...your relationship is reasonably young ...but you need to talk to communicate with each other to find out what binds you together.

There is a blindness to racism in the UK , people don't see it because it doesn't affect them.

I've reflected today that many BAME people are bought up not to talk about the experience, there is a strong narrative of not 'making a fuss' and acting with 'dignity' especially if you are female 'don't let them know they've bothered you' All that does is hide our feelings of hurt and stem empathy.

Have you ever spoken to you husband about your thoughts and feelings around your heritage ?

NoMoreDickheads Tue 09-Jun-20 00:55:09

Because of these protests a fair few people won't be able to breathe either because Coronavirus will spike again. People who never committed a crime in their lives.

timeisnotaline Tue 09-Jun-20 01:00:44

Because of these protests a fair few people won't be able to breathe either because Coronavirus will spike again. People who never committed a crime in their lives.
Because of the society we live in people are discriminated against their whole life. It affects their health, their education, their career options and financial success, and it can kill them. People who’ve never committed a crime in their lives. Then along came a pandemic and instead of everyone being in it together, bame people got sicker. Many more of them died, who had been doctors and nurses helping people. Who never committed a crime in their lives.

I know there’s no point replying to people like that but oh the rage.

OrangeCinnamon Tue 09-Jun-20 01:02:31

Are you on the right thread? @atnomoredickheads

Justaboy Tue 09-Jun-20 01:16:27

The past few days I've researched so much about my Jamaican history and found out so much, my last name is a slave owners name my ancestors were sugar cane pickers ect.

Well what can you do about that?, nothing, we are what and who we are.

I think that the knockomn event sfrom the polivce burtatally in the supposed civlised USofA have bought recisim matters to the fore and thats a good thing and if i was in Bristol yeaterday I'd have been dragging that poxy staute too!

I'm partial immigrant and are descenced from some county bumps around the 1600's! Nothing to get upset about!

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