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To want out?

(35 Posts)
PoppySeedBun18 Mon 08-Jun-20 20:48:09

DH and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2yo DD. I’m in my early thirties and he’s in his late fifties (big age gap) which is now very much starting to show. When we first got together he seemed excited to have a family and we agreed to start a family, which meant I had to put my career on hold. We got married as I was concerned I could be left with a small child should the worst happen to him.

Now he’s talking about retiring and moving a long way away for a quieter life. The only problem is that I’m not ready to ‘take it easy’. I like my job and plan to have a reasonably long lasting career there. I don’t want to potentially be left a widow miles away from my family either. We have absolutely no sex life anymore and it’s getting me down. It feels I’m now tied to a man who shows me no affection and just wants me to follow him round and eventually be his carer.

He can’t change his age, and I knew his age when I married him, but now I’m far more confident in my ability to cope on my own. We seem to want completely different lives now, and I’d rather be with someone I can grow old with, rather than someone I can just watch grow old. Every time I try to talk to him about my concerns he just starts yelling and I can’t bear it.

Either I leave him and look like a complete villain, or stay and accept I will never have a career, sex life or more children.

I can’t eat or sleep. I honestly feel I’ve ruined my life and just wish I could go back 5 years and never got into this 😢

OP’s posts: |
marmiteloversunite Mon 08-Jun-20 20:55:30

Parents had a ten year difference which was fine as my Dad was very active for most of his life but when dementia hit in his late 70's and mum was in her late 60's she found the gap seemed to widen and he suddenly seemed a lot older.

You don't sound like you are ready to go into semi-retirement.

Fiddlesticks345 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:02:30

Tough one! I think leave, you’re too young to stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you and the changes he wants to make to your lifestyles are too big, you’d end up resenting him. Surely he’d prefer to have the chance to spend his retirement with someone like-minded and possibly similar to his age rather than feeling like he’s holding you back? If he won’t listen maybe you could write him a letter to explain how you feel?

JPlusTwo Mon 08-Jun-20 21:07:20

Just think of it like this - in 20 years, you will be where he is now. Do you really want to spend the next 20 years semi retired with him, plus another 20 years living that kind of lifestyle again once you’ve reached your fifties yourself?
If the answer is no, go. Life is too short x

bigchris Mon 08-Jun-20 22:00:06

You sound scared of him

Talk to your parents and he them on your side and then tell him as soon as possible

madcatladyforever Mon 08-Jun-20 22:01:36

Leave now you are wasting your best years.

Travis1 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:03:50

Nope. Doesn’t sound like he’s taking your child into consideration with these plans either. I’d leave

MamaFirst Mon 08-Jun-20 22:07:55

If that's how you feel, then you should stand by those feelings or you will just feel sad and resentful for the rest of your life. It sounds like he is unwilling to compromise, so that only leaves you compromising, which isn't fair.

Eckhart Mon 08-Jun-20 22:11:12

I don't know why you feel like a villain. You could even just take the age difference out of the equation; the truth is, you want different lifestyles, and so, have grown apart. It's not a crime. It happens to loads of couples.

Bottleup Mon 08-Jun-20 22:12:02

Dont mean to sound heartless but surely you could have seen this coming when you married him? Probably kinder to him to be honest and admit you made a mistake.

Whatifitallgoesright Mon 08-Jun-20 22:15:46

Has he actually said that he expects you to give up your job?

Eckhart Mon 08-Jun-20 22:17:57

Also bear in mind that this isn't just about you not meeting his needs. He's not meeting yours either. Doesn't sound like either of you is willing to compromise, which means, yes, you should split up, but it doesn't make you the villain of the article.

Cheeringmeup Mon 08-Jun-20 22:18:38

Oh goodness, that's a big age gap. That would be fine if you both wanted the same thing, but I think you are now at very different life stages and neither of you would enjoy the lifestyle the other wants. Unfortunately, I can't see how continuing with your relationship, as it is, could result in anything other than resentment (on both sides). I think you would both be happier independently pursuing your separate goals. You're far too young to settle into 'old' middle age - you have another 20 years (at least) of youthful fun life! Also, your DD will already be picking up on atmosphere, so you both owe it to her do what's best, going forward. Choose happy x

Aquamarine1029 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:21:09

You need to leave. You made a mistake marrying such an older man, but it's one you can rectify. You have a LOT of living left to do, op. Being in a sexless, loveless marriage will destroy you.

Sorocknroll Mon 08-Jun-20 22:32:54

My mother always told me that people either grow together or grow apart. People who can adapt and compromise with their partner because they want similar things will work, but as soon as your lives want to take different directions and you dont want to adapt to each other then it breaks down .

People are ever changing and unless you can grow together you will inevitably grow apart. It's sad as you may still love each other,but love is also making the other person happy which may mean breaking up.

You have so many more years in your prime and to enjoy adventures with your daughter that he may not want to join in with and could also hold you back without realising

Bubblebu Mon 08-Jun-20 22:34:26

How did you meet him, why were you attracted to someone so much older than you? Who was more keen on marriage (when you married) you or him?
I kind of agree that you must leave him asap but, without being cynical, was the biggest attraction of marriage to you at the time you got married the idea of "if it all goes wrong I will be successful in the divorce courts".
If yes I can kind of see why he might be angry now (as I am sure he does know exactly how you feel) but equally he should not be intimidating you and it sounds like he should try harder to understand your point of view regarding you wanting a career and/or wanting to stay living where you are now.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Mon 08-Jun-20 22:42:12

That’s a very big age gap, you were late 20s & he was early 50s when you met. I would have thought what are describing was almost inevitable. Surely he must of considered that too. I wouldnt feel guilty, he obviously decided to take that risk in order to be with a much younger woman, and you’ve given him a beautiful DD. Don’t give up the rest your life over a bad decision, marriage shouldn’t have to mean the end of everything else, you have as much right to a career & sex life as he had.

Michaelbaubles Mon 08-Jun-20 22:44:07

Why would you look a villain? If I heard of someone your age leaving a much older husband I’d just assume he’d turned into a grumpy old man and she couldn’t be arsed with it. It’s a pretty predictable turn of events to be honest.

pickingdaisies Mon 08-Jun-20 22:49:00

He just doesn't sound like he cares about your needs, whatever his age. And not everybody reaches for their slippers as they near 60, he wants to take you away from your career, your family and your friends and social life. And he won't discuss it. Please don't feel guilty about wanting out.

66redballons Mon 08-Jun-20 22:49:56

Leave. Be compassionate and kind about it. What you day here is fine, you are not ready to retire. You want more. He has time to meet someone like minded. Don’t rob each other of precious time.

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk Mon 08-Jun-20 23:05:41

Seems like you made your decision and now regret it and so be it.

Cant be right all the time, thought youd met someone youd want to spend your life with and that's changed.

The only upset will be with your daughter, custody will be difficult if he decides to retire miles away and you work full time.

merryhouse Mon 08-Jun-20 23:07:44

When he talks about retiring for an easier life, point out that if he retires he will be primary carer for his daughter while you're out at work.

When he brings up moving a long way away, say that you don't want to do that.

Bleepbloopblarp Mon 08-Jun-20 23:12:48

Age-gap relationships can work but you have to have the same ideals and goals in life same as any relationship. He sounds very selfish and no way would I be willing to have my sex life be over in my 30’s.

I think it sounds like you are gearing up to leave him..

Mrskeats Mon 08-Jun-20 23:17:41

You made a mistake. Don't waste your life because of that.
Also why can't you have a discussion without him yelling at you?

MayDayHelp Mon 08-Jun-20 23:22:20

I was in a not dissimilar relationship until last year OP. I am late thirties and he is late 50s. When we first got together everything was great, but a couple of years in the age gap became more and more apparent and all I could see when I looked at him was ‘the old’. I really wished that wasn’t the case as he was so kind and lovely and as people we got on really well. Like you, our sex life had diminished to nothing. I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life so I ended it which was so hard as he didn’t do anything to deserve it. I was completely honest with him and we are still friends. And I am now seeing a guy who is 4 years older than me and it’s great smile

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