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AIBU to feel irritated that DH's sibling gets monetary handouts and we don't?

(87 Posts)
jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 18:15:32

Regular poster but name changed ! (Expecting some criticism.. hear me out!)

DH has a very wealthy family and lives in a large house in Surrey. (They also own other properties across the world) The family business was sold approx 15 years ago and made a massive profit (think millions), his parents made many sacrifices to ensure this business ran well when DH was younger and I honestly believe they deserve all the money they have due to the sheer hard work and long hours that were put into running the business at the time.

DH has said that he has never really been given any money by his parents and he thinks that they want him to make his own way in life (understandable) this in a way has been advantageous in the fact that my partner strives to do well on his own merit - hes worked hard and now has a professional job in an engineering role. (I am a teacher). Over the years we have made many sacrifices to enable DP to study and for us to be able to put money together for a deposit for a small 2 bed apartment that we currently live in a cheaper area of the city. We buy our clothes from local charities, ebay, sell clothes and goods on ebay, we haven't been on holiday for 5 years (except the odd UK break here or there), meal prep, never eat out etc. We share a car which is 10 years old and needs upgrading in the nearby future. I imagine there are many people who do similar things to save money and we are not unique in that respect. We have also held out on getting married and having children because we wanted to prioritize getting on the housing ladder and being secure for the future.There has been one occasion when we were in our early 20s where we couldn't afford the rent (before buying) and DH asked his parents whether he could borrow money and it would be returned when he got his next pay packet - his dad agreed but it was never actually paid in to his account, we were never sure why but didn't want to press the issue and after all it is their money so didn't ask again.

SIL and her partner are a few years younger than us and had 2 planned DC shortly after graduating from university, SIL has never worked (although has a good degree to give credit to her) and are fortunate to be able to live in a lovely housing association house within about 30 mins from where we live. SIL partner works in a supermarket and has no desire to progress in his career. (which is fair enough, people have different priorities in life) - however they live a lifestyle that we can't afford due to handouts from DH parents - their house is furnished with brand new, expensive furniture, equipment, multiple game consoles, designer clothes for DC , they have 2 cars, despite only using 1 etc. We were recently told that his parents paid off their outstanding (£6.5k) credit card bill yet they still continue to parade on social media all their new purchases that they have made over the last few weeks - (e.g SIL posted a new red chanel lipstick she had bought online & she posts every friday their pizzas from dominos) They receive monthly payments from DH's parents to help with their DC and SIL has no intention of returning back to work. SIL husband says he is having difficulty obtaining more hours at work - which is understandable it really is but we find it so frustrating that we have to cut back and make so many sacrifices every day and despite their (in my opinion) poor financial decisions they seem to be rewarded and constantly given handouts and DH's parents are full of sympathy about how they are struggling and how life isn't as easy for them. We don't have that much money either and are skimping and saving to upgrade our car in addition to trying to put some money together for the future - except we don't just spend it all on a CC and then bill his parents, to me this is morally wrong.

DH, (although technically none of his business) has said to his parents that if they weren't given so many handouts maybe it would give them the drive to work hard and make sacrifices that we have had to make to be self sufficient - if they were struggling after making the sacrifices then of course I would never begrudge them from obtaining help from parents that naturally want to help their children.

I know AIBU to have a moan and I guess it isn't our business how much money DH parents give siblings but AIBU to feel that DC should be treated equally and the sibling who works hard and has made sacrifices in life should not be treated differently?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? AIBU that we both get annoyed?

OP’s posts: |
HeronLanyon Mon 08-Jun-20 18:28:35

Hmmm
I don’t understand if dp parents have millions why they haven’t helped both your dp and sil out.
Why didn’t you find out about that previous loan/gift? Did it actually go astray and your do dps think they have helped you out.
I simply don’t understand you not knowing what happened there - is your dp a bit martyrish where his family dynamic is concerned ? Why hasn’t he found out ?

SandyY2K Mon 08-Jun-20 18:30:11

It makes sense to help the child who needs it more, but that shouldn't mean the other children don't get anything at all.

It's not really fair and it's not how I would treat my DC. I have a thing about treating my DC fairly, because I see how it affects ppl when they are treated less favorably.

jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 18:35:28

@HeronLanyon
I didnt want to write too much so didnt elaborate in the first post! - dh didnt feel comfortable asking again from previous experience with FIL when DH was a teen e.g snappy or short with him when money was involved. It was never brought up again because he didnt feel comfortable and I guess just got used to not asking for anything as he never got it! We are both early 30s now so it was quite a while ago now, I cant remember the details!

OP’s posts: |
jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 18:39:14

@SandyY2K I absolutely agree, it isnt fair is it? I feel like were acting like spoilt brats expecting handouts but we dont it's more frustration that one sibling gets continuous handouts and its rubbed in our faces on social media etc when we arent at all wealthy ourselves! DH and his sister dont have the best relationship and I think this has caused it tbh!

OP’s posts: |
Minniee Mon 08-Jun-20 18:42:12

If I was him I'd ask why they are treated differently.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 08-Jun-20 18:42:38

I dont think it's fair. What do they say when he asks them why he is treated differently to his sister?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 08-Jun-20 18:43:30

I think it is bound to cause issues between the sibling that gets less and their parents and also between the siblings

TheMandalorian Mon 08-Jun-20 18:44:18

How old are you and do you also live in Surrey? Just trying to work out why you are struggling so much financially when both you and dh have professional careers.
Yanbu that dh should ideally be treated to the same financial aid as sil.
Have either of you asked for help though?
My pil always match a gift or loan to the other sibling.
However, I grew up knowing there would be no financial aid or inheritance from my poor parents and so stand on my own feet.
Perhaps your dh just needs to ask them for deposit help to get on the housing ladder.

jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 18:54:27

@OoohTheStatsDontLie
@Minniee

It has been brought up before and dh parents do criticise SIL and partners spending habits and lack of work ethic etc but nothing changes really - they still get the money. Its caused arguments between his parents so i think now sending them monthly money is just an easy way out. They think because we own an apartment and no DC we dont need any - we have never really asked for any money really, we arent desperate but at the same time we cant afford the lifestyle SIL can without stretching all of our money - it's not really in our nature too and DH has had experience in the past to know that even if asked it wouldnt be received anyway. (E.g asked for money for his 18th and they scoffed) there are more examples but dont want to be too identifiable!

OP’s posts: |
jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 18:57:01

Not sure if relevant but we were criticised for buying a 'small' apartment and partners father said we were foolish to get a 30 year mortgage- despite explaining that it was the only way we could get on the ladder he continued to criticise without offering any financial help! He buys houses outright and when he did get a mortgage a very long time ago it was a 15 year mortgage - he thinks this is the norm.

OP’s posts: |
RJnomore1 Mon 08-Jun-20 18:59:51

I wonder if they don’t want to see the children suffer.

nancy75 Mon 08-Jun-20 19:04:44

The sister is happy to ask, your DH doesn’t ask so they think you don’t need/want the help?

CourtneyLurve Mon 08-Jun-20 19:14:24

They own several properties abroad and have millions in the bank and their daughter lives in a HA house and they give their son nothing? That is weird.

Did they pay for uni?

strugglingwithdeciding Mon 08-Jun-20 19:14:50

Not unreasonable to feel peeved yes it's there money but I don't agree with favouring one child over the other even adult children , other than say direct to them there isn't a lot you can do
If it was my parents I would flag it as unfair if dh parents would have to be up to him , but I wouldn't be going out if my way to do anything for them as daughter can if she's the one benefiting all the time

strugglingwithdeciding Mon 08-Jun-20 19:15:53

@CourtneyLurve does seem strange you think at least they might rent the daughter one of their houses rather than her take up a ha house

jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 19:18:03

@RJnomore1 you know I would understand that, who wants to see their child suffer? No one! Although SIL and partner have never suffered.. I think if they did it might have been a lesson for them to learn how to budget better. DH has always been good at budgeting because hes never had any handouts (one positive I guess!)

OP’s posts: |
BenScalesIsAGod Mon 08-Jun-20 19:20:40

My DH doesn’t have any siblings so there’s no discrepancy but his parents currently rattle around occasionally in there 12 bed house, sometimes they are abroad and sometimes in London! We have had no help and we are managing ok but in a small 2 bed house with 1 DC , nothing fancy. Both of us work. We also a 30/ 35? Year mortgage. It still seems strange to me that they wouldn’t have wanted to help their DS more than what they have done given their wealth. I don’t understand this mentality.

JacobReesMogadishu Mon 08-Jun-20 19:21:01

They sound oddly tight with your dh. Most parents would do anything they could to help out with a rent payment as a one off! I’d struggle to bite my tongue. It wouldn’t be the lack of money which would upset me the most, more the blatant favouritism.

Asiama Mon 08-Jun-20 19:22:59

@RJnomore1 might have a point, they might be doing it for the grandchildren.

OP I get how you are feeling, we are in the same position. We save our money to be able to afford a nice-ish car and pay the mortgage on our lovely house. SIL spends her money on eating out, multiple holidays per year etc, so our family give her handouts to enable her to have the same level of lifestyle as us. We console ourselves that we are learning life skills to rely on ourselves. One day the handouts will stop and SIL will struggle as she doesn't know how to live without it.

BenScalesIsAGod Mon 08-Jun-20 19:25:43

Oh my in laws also then have then cheek to say things like ooh why didn’t you go for a 4 bed house? But then if you tell them it’s for financial reasons they just say ‘oh’!

You’ll never change them OP. Sorry you are treated differently, that must be even worse.

AltogetherAndrews Mon 08-Jun-20 19:25:54

I suspect 2 things are going on here, one is that they are doing this for their grandchildren rather than for their children, and the other that there is an old fashioned notion that their son has to make his own way, while their daughter remains their responsibility, even as an adult.

ThatLockdownLyfe Mon 08-Jun-20 19:26:24

DH needs to decide if he wants to continue the relationship with his DPs or not.

They aren't going to change. But he doesn't have to stay in contact. He is also able to say "I don't want to know, stop telling me" when either DPs or SIL start going on about money.

My grandma did this with my mum and her brother. Constantly bailing out the feckless one while telling the other one to crack on. They hated each other for years as a result. Only when grandma died and there was no more uneven gifts did they start speaking again. A total waste of those years of bitterness if you ask me.

jumpingjenn3h Mon 08-Jun-20 19:26:55

@CourtneyLurve
@strugglingwithdeciding

I know I agree! I do find it equally as strange tbh. Contrary to the tone in my message and probably very hypocritical of me to say but both me and DH think if they are receiving financial help perhaps it would have been better to receive a one off payment for a deposit so they can at least get on the property ladder and work their way up in time. I must admit their HA house is lovely though, I can understand why they wouldnt want to move from it!

Houses are abroad and SIL and partner wants to stay here in the UK near both parents. SIL partners parents also help with childcare!

OP’s posts: |
CokeEnStock Mon 08-Jun-20 19:27:56

This makes no sense. How can you be struggling so much on 2 professional salaries with no kids?

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