To want to be more confident and change my life.

[Dairym23]

Hi everyone I really hope I do get some replies please. Short story I’ve lacked confidence my entire life. After lockdown is over I want to make some changes and be more confident. I don’t know if giving scenarios of things that I feel I could have handled better would help? The main jist of every scenario - I find some people quite full on and I’m too polite to say no. So I usually handle it by avoiding the person or giving a half hearted answer in the hope they’ll take my hint. I feel awkward outright saying no.

I started a new job too but due to lockdown haven’t physically gone in. I want to be confident on first day and not be a shy nervous wreck!

[Claphands]

Maybe an online confidence coach would help you? I know a female confidence coach if you want a Recomendation, just message me

[BF888]

Definitely agree with the other post about getting a coach.

I too find people too intense at times, although I do feel confident within myself. The hardest part is establishing boundaries and knowing the right way to say what you want without offending someone’s, that’s taken me a while as I am quite to the point.

I use a technique called EFT or tapping, lots of videos on YouTube, I also use affirmations and set intentions. Confidence starts with mindset, let go of any parts of yourself that you feel keep you stuck. Identify what you’d like to change or where you feel you lack confidence and come up with what you want to replace it with, and focus on that:

Good luck!

[OhTheRoses]

What sort of things can't you say no to?

Everyone thinks I'm v confident. I actually say very little in a crowd. My mother taught me to stand tall, listen, and smile.

[Dairym23]

@BF888 thank you. I’ve found a few YouTube videos on this. Will take a look later. Thanks

@OhTheRoses What sort of things can't you say no to? it’s usually things like I feel I’m being taken advantage of but I don’t say anything as I get conflicted whether it is an unreasonable request or if it’s reasonable. E.g I once gave a work colleague a life for free everyday there and back. Not once did she offer any payment towards petrol and used to make me wait for her! I know I should have given her a time and if she didn’t arrive I should have left but I just couldn’t.

[Dairym23]

A life! Omg no I meant a lift

[NoSexPleaseWeAreInAPandemic]

You can refer yourself for a free assertiveness course at the mental health services in my borough of London - I don't know whether your part of the country has that?

Also as someone with anxiety, I found that being referred by my GP for CBT and doing CBT did wonders for my confidence

[OhTheRoses]

@Dairym23 your colleague sounds v entitled but as BF888 said, that's about setting boundaries and I think for me the thought of sharing my personal space with a colleague is so horrific I'd have set that boundary really quickly. "Oh gosh, wouldn't it be lovely to share our journeys. I could do that on Mondays but the other days I have x arrangements after work and you would be stuck in the car waiting"; "I tell you what, I'm helping you out with the lifts, would you mind awfully making me a packed lunch when you do yours"

[Dairym23]

I do struggle trying to establish whether something is taking the piss or is reasonable. What’s your opinions of the following:

I once arranged a play date for my nursery aged child and the first time meeting the mum she was telling me how hard she is finding childcare and expensive and whether I could help her out with additional childcare and also if I can join both our the kids to a Saturday class and drive them as she doesn’t drive. It made me feel very uncomfortable and at the time I posted on mumsnet asking for opinions (Under a different user name!) and The majority feedback I was getting was the poor Woman is struggling and I should help her. My question to myself is always where do I draw the line where someone genuinely needs help and you should help them, and when is it taking the piss?

I’m sorry to say I didn’t help her out as I had my stuff going on and didn’t want extra burden on top of my stuff. I felt guilty reading responses but how does some one with normal self esteem figure out what is helping someone and what is being taken advantage of?

[Dairym23]

Oh and how I handled that particular scenario was to avoid that person! I know it wasn’t the best way to deal. I was pregnant so when maternity started I took my eldest out of nursery so haven’t seen the mum since. I wish I could have handled it better and said something as I feel my child missed out on a friendship due to my issues

[BF888]

It does get easier over time discerning, it can just take a while to figure out what you will personally accept and what you won’t. It doesn’t happen overnight but when you feel you can use your voice to address your boundaries then it gets easier.

With the situation you mentioned, I would’ve shown empathy for her in the moment and spoke on the topic if I shared the same experience or made suggestions. I would’ve made it clear that occasionally we could do a weekend play date but I wouldn’t be able to commit to anything. To be honest though my initial thinking is you were having a baby so it’s not something you would ask anyway, atleast I wouldn’t ask a pregnant woman with a young child to look after mine. But In terms of child care generally I wouldn’t have committed to looking after someone else’s child who I hadn’t gotten to know. That would’ve been something that as the relationship progressed I would’ve decided if it’s something I’d commit to or not. Even with saying that I still would make it clear that it may not be able to be every week or for full days etc.

There’s nothing wrong with helping someone and then if they’re to ask again choosing to say no. It all depends on what we have going on in our own lives too. Remember relationships are two way streets, sometimes when lacking confidence can over give which creates an imbalance, Or can avoid situations but both can become toxic to ourselves and can leave others confused. It seems you know what you do and don’t want to do, it’s articulating something where you feel comfortable saying it and not offensive so you can continue the relationship with no hostility. The moment you think something is becoming too much, you feel you’re being taken advantage of or you simply don’t want to do something, make the change.

For your colleague: I’m going to have to make some changes to driving into work together. I can do it on x days for the time being. Or simply saying shall we split fuel to get to work?
addressing the time issue- I’m ok driving us both but can you be ready for x time as I really don’t like rushing or being late.

Sometimes things creep in over time and it’s easy to accept it, but delivery is everything and if you’re being honest but kind then usually it works out well, if it doesn’t then it’s not worth tolerating anyway.

For the mum at nursery: it’s hard being a mum and id love to help you but I can’t commit to childcare with having a baby and young one. Can you ask x to help?

There’s no way to say your child would’ve connected over time to a friendship so I wouldn’t worry about that. Some kids click, some kids don’t and sometimes they have phases where they are best buddies and then not. Allow your children to see you confident, teach them about being confidence and boundaries too.

Has there been something that has taken your confidence away or is it something you’ve never felt you’ve had?

Confidence is generally a mindset, so changing the way you see a situation, changing your day to day thoughts can really help. What can you do for yourself that you think will help you feel more confident? Believe in yourself a little more each day.

[GinasWig]

You were there, mumsnet wasnt. You knew her tone, her words etc. You felt it was off and avoidrd cpnfrontation.shes a cheeky fucker to ask tbh.

[lemmathelemmin]

Absolutely do a free assertiveness/confidence course with your LA if available. Please don't pay for a confidence coach, they're scammers.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Perhaps try the life changibg magic of not giving a fuck. Or nice girls dont get the corner office. The last one is more about work but I found it helped enormously.

[lifecouldbeadream]

PPs have given good advice. Childcare mum sounds a CF. You DON’T ask a parent you don’t know to provide childcare

Try saying No to small things, no justification and build up. Once you say no to small things, bigger things are less challenging.

[Dairym23]

Thank you so much everyone! Every piece of advice I’m going to follow and keep in mind. I will definitely find an assertiveness course this week.

I think it’s something i’ve always struggled with. My mum was very anti-social and she wasn’t very good at dealing with people. Even now her motto in life is to have an easy life by just agreeing to things or avoiding people. I don’t want to turn into her and repeat the cycle! I will start small no matter how uncomfortable I feel.

@BF888 thank you x

[BF888]

You’re so welcome! Good luck, you can make the changes. X