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To ask for advice on how to deal with neighbour issues?(133 Posts)
So we live in a cul de sac with a mix of houses, so most houses have children accept for the 4 maisonettes on the end. All are HA
My garden also backs onto another garden Which is privately owned.
We have 3 DC the middle of which has severe autism and is non verbal, he is nearly 7. Yesterday the neighbours at the back came round and have asked that we do not let DS in the garden anymore. DS is hard work, and sometimes throws things over the fence from the trampoline, his understanding level is very low but we try our best to tell him not to do that and bring him inside if he throws anything.
I was just a bit shocked to be asked not to let him in the garden at all, I understand they have a young daughter and don’t want random T-shirt’s flying over their fence but it seems a little unreasonable to ask us not to use our garden at all so that their 1 ish year old can play. I haven’t let my kids out all morning today and I can see their child isn’t even out.
There was some veiled smugness from them about owning their home, obviously they are far superior parents with their 1 neurotypical baby.
It’s just adding more stress to an already stressful situation, none of the children in the cul de sac can play out the front now either due to complaints and threats to phone the police about breaking social distancing from the childless people in the maisonettes at the end (no social distancing was broken, 4 children playing on their bikes supervised by parents).
So basically I’m now trapped in my house... we take the children out once a day but it is stressful and sometimes dangerous as DS has no understanding of roads or keeping close, has a meltdown when he sees a park he isn’t allowed in, doesn’t understand social distancing etc.
DS gets 2 days a week at school but is not getting his sensory diet or any of his therapies or respite and I’m just feeling like life is so hopeless at the minute, both parents trying to work from home, while homeschooling our 2 NTchildren and trying to stop DS killing himself and destroying the house.
I just want to move to the middle of nowhere where I don’t have to apologise for him every 2 minutes.
I wanted to put a net up but the HA says we cannot put anything over 6 foot, which is how high the fence is.
I think it might be an idea to speak to the HA again. Could you ask for netting to be erected? Within your own curtiledge as opposed to on top of the fence. I can see you do appreciae the problems your neighbours are facing so perhaps the housing association could help both of you in the circumstances? But netting would be my suggestion so it is not a permanent fence.
I do hope your DS can get back to his routine soon. This must be awful for all of you.
Hi , I think you should discuss and explain your child's needs with this neighbour or write a short letter and post , surely they would empathise. It's your home and your garden whether you own the property or not.
It's also your children's home and they should be able to enjoy it . Your son can't help his behaviour and he is not doing it deliberately
I hope your family can enjoy your garden in peace , good luck
Eh don't listen to them.....asking you not to use your garden? Geezzz!!!
Just keep an extra eye on him and make sure theres nothing for him to chuck over the fence. Big hugs x
I'm sorry your neighbours aren't more understanding. You sound like you've got a lot on your plate
Could the trampoline be moved?
It's not reasonable for them to expect your son not to use the garden, it saddens me the levels of intolerance some people feel comfortable vocalising!
When I spoke to them it was about putting netting our side of the fence not on top, but they said no. This was last summer (last time it was an issue as off school, etc). But will try them again citing the neighbour issues and see if that helps.
Can you get them a net to stick up on their side as a compromise. Aside from making sure there's nothing heavy to throw over I think they just need to suck it up. They're being very uncharitable if it's just things like t shirts, it's not hard to throw them back. A bit of understanding costs nothing.
Can you get a net for the trampoline that goes over the top too?
They are fully aware of his issues as we spoke with them last summer over the fence when he threw his shoe over.
There isn’t anything in the garden to throw but it is usually socks or his T-shirt though on occasion has been a toy he has snuck past me as he is quick as lightening and silent.
The garden is not very big but the trampoline isn’t by the fence, he just has a strong throwing arm. He will hear me tell him not to throw and do it anyway.
They don't have the right to say your child can't go into the garden. I would continue to let him out. The longer you keep him indoors the longer your neighbours think that's normal and the more fuss they'll make when you let him out.
Also ask your HA for permission to put up netting, use their alterations form. Alternatively if you can ask your doctor for a OT referral the OT could ask your HA to put netting up so that your child can still play.
Is it possible to move the trampoline so he can't throw things into their garden?
I feel bad for you it seems stressful. I honestly can't see why the odd t shirt going over the fence would annoy someone? It's a T-shirt. We used to constantly kick balls over as kids that would annoy me more. I'd still let him use the garden but take out anything he can lob over.
My DD is being assessed for having ADHD and it's hardwork when she's over excited it feels shit like it's my fault she's like it, but it can't be helped I'm working on how to calm her down or to stop her impulsiveness but it's not easy. You have my sympathy not that you should need it, it's not you or his fault.
@Ravenclawgirl What you've said with bells on!.
Op Keep letting him out because as this poster has said if you keep him in, they think they are in the right
What utter twats. Get yourself out in your garden op!! Keep a diary incase they start harassing you...
Their dc has no higher right to being outdoors than yours!
It has once or twice been something heavy, once was a spirit level the builder left behind the shed which I did not see and once was a golf club he snuck out when I was getting the pool out of the shed,both times it took seconds for him to do it and I had literally just turned my back.
Their garden is much bigger than ours so ours backs on to the very end of theirs, nowhere near the house or patio or where their daughters play equipment is.
Is that a thing worra? Will have a look.
Does he only throw things when on the trampoline? Could you set up a new rule that he’s only allowed on the trampoline when you’re right there? That way you can make sure he doesn’t take anything on it to throw.
Maybe only let him on it if your 100% sure there's nothing to throw. My DD has to be told so many times not to do something it's really frustrating she's the type to do something and worry about the consequences later 😭
Does your trampoline net have a zip to get in/out? You could put a lock on it so he can’t quickly whiz past you and slip onto the trampoline.
You are not trapped in your house. They simply don't have the authority to tell you that your son can't be in your garden.
It would be neighborly of you to consider their feelings, but that's about it. It sounds to me like you are already taking steps to try and minimise the issue.
Honestly, I get why they find this annoying, but if he's usually just chucking over a sock or a shirt and they are aware of his issues then I think they are being really petty.
OP, do you have any other solutions besides the netting the HA won't allow?
Does your DS throw other things as well as t-shirts? The neighbour may be afraid that your DS will throw something heavier which will hurt them or their young child.
Do you just expect the neighbour to put up with this issue? I think I'd be inclined to get rid of the trampoline.
Have you got safety netting around the trampoline? If he is still managing to throw stuff over that, you could fix netting over the top to enclose the whole thing - just some garden netting pegged round the edges should work.
Of course you must let your DS in the garden though!
I will add both times we were incredibly apologetic and again explained his issues and that we are trying really hard but he is worse at the moment as not having his sensory needs fulfilled or any of his therapy.
I did consider getting rid of the trampoline but the bouncing soothes him and stops his bouncing on aall the beds.
We have no problems with the neighbour next to us, and our separating fence is only 4ft, they have an autistic DS too and we just send DD over the fence to get back anything he might have thrown, We do try to be considerate and the neighbour nice Christmas presents.
We don’t have a neighbour the other side thankgod
They can't stop you from using your own garden and telling you who can and cannot go out in it! I would love my next door neighbours kids to not be out all the time, just for a bit of peace, but I would never ask them to keep them in!
Can you grow a fast growing hedge at the bottom of your garden, like bamboo to create a natural screen and stop things being flung across? Or can your trampoline be moved so it's away from that boundary?
Let the poor soul out that's heartbreaking. People like your neighbour dont get it with their NT child - maybe one day they'll find themselves in a position like you and hope these people around them have more understanding and empathy. Your poor child will be struggling enough with lockdown without being able to use his garden. And its discriminatory to say can just your ASD child stay in. Horrible people.
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