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To contact old friend or not after 8 years?

(5 Posts)
GymGirl23 Sun 07-Jun-20 21:50:34

I had a really vivid dream about an old friend last night who I lost contact with 8 years ago due to moving to the other end of the country. We worked together for years, both of us have 3 children each who are similar in age and are now all older teenagers / college students. We always got on so well and never fell out so I can't say there was an argument to justify losing touch!

In the dream we bumped into each other on holiday and we were so happy to be reunited but she waa distressed and crying about something. We moved 10 years ago so kept contact for 2 years, she often used to say though that we'd probably lose contact after a while as I wasn't great at responding to people who I didn't see physically on a regular basis but I always reassured her that we wouldn't so I do take some responsibility for that.

The problem was always her husband who could be really nice at times (and my DH got on with him okish) but he has a horrible temper. He liked to domineer and control conversations even at the table when out in a restaurant to the point where other people would look at us and we'd squirm with embarassment. If my friend asked him to calm down he'd ignore her and keep going until he finished his point. I often remember him shouting at their children when visiting our house if they spilled a drink and once our neighbours even asked what was going on with the noise.

Basically I'd love to contact her and invite her to stay as we live by the sea now but I don't want him to come! Can I do this or would it be rude? I know he'd embarass us with his temper and opinions on everything in front of our neighbours and friends and I don't want that! He always had an obsession with asking people in detail about how much they earned, what amount of savings or investments they had and how much their house was worth! I suspect he hasn't changed and people do not talk about things like that around here!

I know she'd love to hear from me as she never had many close friends but I don't want to offend her either. Btw she never complained about her DH apart from saying he flew off the handle easily. She doesn't use social media so it would have to be on Whatsapp. What would you do and would you be shocked to get a message from someone out of the blue after 8 years?

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Sparklesocks Sun 07-Jun-20 21:55:24

I think there’s nothing wrong with reaching out and seeing how she is.

But inviting her to stay with you after no contact for so long may not be the best idea? You don’t know what she’s like now, she might be a different person entirely. Maybe just talking before and getting to know each other again before anything else. She may not even be keen to reconnect, which you have to consider.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 07-Jun-20 21:56:58

I lost touch with a long term friend and I would be thrilled to hear from her again. Just be prepared for the friendship never to regain the same closeness as you were used to.

My friend also has (or maybe had) a very controlling husband, which made me wary of contacting her, as he used to police all her communications with friends and make her suffer if he didnt' approve. I was afraid I might make things worse for her if I got in touch. But i do miss her.

Life is short, OP. Get in touch. What's the worst that can happen; she doesn't reply? Then at least you will have tried.

Leeds2 Sun 07-Jun-20 22:12:55

I don't think there is anything wrong with getting in touch, and your friend may very welcome the contact. But, if you do this, please keep the communication going and don't fade away again after a few messages. This can be very upsetting.

I wouldn't be asking her to stay until I had been messaging/talking for a while. You could then say something like, "Would you and the DC like to come and stay for a couple of days?" and leave it with her. If the DC are older teens, they may not wish to come anyway!

GymGirl23 Sun 07-Jun-20 22:54:48

Thank you for all the replies. @Leeds2 that's good advice about if I make contact to not let it fade away after a while as I know it can be hurtful and I need to work on that, I honestly don't know why I do that as it's not the first time! @Zaphodsotherhead I understand how you feel. It's a pity when a friend has a controlling DH as that is one of my concerns that her DH has possibly become more so in the intervening years so might not be able to have a private phone call and i certainly don't want to cause trouble for her. @Sparklesocks yes I agree I wouldn't invite her to stay straight away but would see how the contact goes first and take it from there. I'm still not sure what to do? I certainly don't want to come across as pressurising!

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