Do I have PND?

[isthisPND]

I had DC2 4 months ago.

I was getting on fine for the first couple of months, it was crazy of course with two kids and lockdown but I managed. But now things are really going downhill.

I gave up breastfeeding and feel the most horrendous guilt for it and like I didn't have good enough reason (no tongue tie, mastitis, thrush like I'm always reading about, she was just a very fussy feeder and I found it stressful). I think about it so much and feel like I let her down and didn't try hard enough.

I find myself crying all the time over the most silly things. Worrying constantly about creating bad habits and sleep getting worse even though I know it's early days and it all works out in the end (DC1 is 4).

Getting angry at my DH for stupid things.

I have two perfect healthy children, what is wrong with me.

[raspberryk]

I breastfed and I'm an advocate for sure but it's so so hard, I don't think your reason was a poor excuse at all. With more than one dc to consider and your own wellbeing and sanity, if it's stressful and there's a perfectly good alternative then you choose the alternative.
You may have pnd or post natal anxiety, do you feel like you could talk to your health visitor in the first instance?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Hi OP. First because you’re obviously struggling.

The crying all the time does sound like depression. I think you’re really switched on to have realised this is a possibility. So many women, myself included, don’t click that their feelings aren’t a regular reaction to their situation.

Have you tried to get a phone appointment with your GP?

[SweetHummingbird]

I'm sure I've read that when you stop breastfeeding it's a massive hormone change and can cause you to feel depressed, I found that to be true with my daughter at 4 months and my twins within a week. Honestly it's so hard at the time but try not to feel guilty, fed is best and if you looked at two one year olds you would never know which was breastfed or formula fed. With all of mine I felt so guilty for stopping and I gave it up for the same reasons as you with my eldest. With my twins I had runaway thoughts that it would affect my bond with them (four months in it hasn't at all).

Don't give yourself a hard time, everyone has to do what's best for their family

[DramaAlpaca]

OP, I'd advise you to have a chat with your GP or your health visitor. If it's PND, and it could well be from what you've said, there's a lot of help available. I was diagnosed with it after DC3 was born, but not until he was six months old and it had got to the point where I was really struggling. Similarly to you, breastfeeding hadn't worked out and I felt awful because I'd had no such trouble with DC1 or DC2. I really think it's worth seeking some help now

[katelily2017]

OP, I had a really really tough time after the birth of DD2, I don't know how on earth anyone is managing with 2 in lockdown. You have done amazingly well bf'ing so far and you've given hour baby and amazing start in life, you should be so proud of yourself. Don't worry about stopping, if it's not working out you need to do what's best for both of you.
It's sounds like you have a bit of PND/PNA I had it too and it's bloody awful, I went to the doctors and working a few weeks was feeling so much better.
You're doing an amazing job, look after yourself! X

[isthisPND]

Thank you everyone. It means a lot that you are so understanding. Just to have people say that it's ok that I gave up breastfeeding makes me feel better. I know I would say the same to a friend but can't seem to be as kind to myself.

I had heard about the hormone crash post breastfeeding and was really hoping it might be down to that. How long would it last? I stopped completely about 3 weeks ago.

Otherwise I guess I prob do need to see the GP. I've never had depression or anxiety in my life so it's very new.

[Minai]

I suffered massive guilt for not breastfeeding ds1. Also felt like I didn’t have a ‘good enough reason’ but for various reasons I won’t bore you with it was easier to bottle feed but it didn’t stop me feeling guilty. Well 3 years on he is a happy healthy little boy and I have zero regrets. Please don’t feel guilty. You need to do what you have to do when life is hard and your baby will be fine. Do not feel guilty. 2 kids in lockdown is hard. It could just be a combination of hormones and the stress of lockdown and 2 children but keep an eye on it and no harm in talking to a health visitor or gp about possible pnd.

[Merryoldgoat]

It’s absolutely fine to formula feed your baby for any reason - I had really wanted to breastfeed my babies but it just didn’t work out that way.

You do sound depressed. I felt similarly but took a long time to get help and was in a fairly dark place by the time I saw my doctor.

CBT really helped and the antidepressants were a true lifesaver.

The second you start to talk you’ll feel better.

[isthisPND]

Thank you. I think I just need to forgive myself which is ridiculous as there's nothing to forgive, she's fed and she's happy and that's all that matters.

My first was bottle fed and she's fine.

I desperately hope that this passes soon. If not I'm going to have to speak to GP.

[SweetHummingbird]

Hi OP, how are you doing?

[IsthisPND]

Thank you so much for asking

Honestly, I have good days and bad days. Just a couple of days ago I was feeling really great but it's gone downhill a bit the last couple of days. My period is coming so I think that isn't helping!

This thread has helped loads though actually. Just having people say they experienced the same, or that they understand why I "gave up" breastfeeding, makes me not feel so guilty. I just sometimes feel like I didn't try hard enough and let her down. And other times I think I did well to get as far as I did, with two kids in lockdown and zero BF support 🤷‍♀️ Just wish I could be kind to myself all the time.

[SweetHummingbird]

Oh mum guilt is real and you'll always be feeling guilty about something, but it also means you care. Sometimes it's good to try and think of what advice you'd give to a friend going through the same thing, and try to be as kind to yourself as you would to the friend.

You did so well to get as far as you did, breastfeeding is so tough and even worse when it's not your first baby and having to juggle who needs what, even more so in these crazy times!