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To be sick of ex re childcare

(16 Posts)
Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:29:25

Ex partner refuses to agree to a schedule of contact with DC. He works shifts which do change at times so as much as I understand a schedule might need adjusting at times, he makes things as difficult as possible.

The most recent change has been that he has decided he gets weekends free, to relax after working all week. I work PT and care for DC 24/7 around my work hours, except when he decides to see them, I never get more than 24h notice of this.

It makes me feel genuine rage that he sees me as flexible, 24 hour, on demand childcare for OUR children, while he gets to continue his work and social life as if they don’t exist. On the other hand, I’m so desperate for a break sometimes that I have to admit I would struggle if I put my foot down on having set timings, and he fucked off altogether.

It’s really got to me today, after having a busy and stressful week with work, I now have DC all weekend alone, I have had some fairly serious health problems (precancerous cells which required surgery) And My life now seems to be me bouncing from work, to pick DC up from childcare, to home, caring responsibilities, worrying about my health, an upcoming hospital appt and no break in between any of it what so ever.

I love DC dearly, but I’m so fed up with it all. I just feel like crying.

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RuggerHug Sun 07-Jun-20 11:32:07

Tell him no, you each get a weekend free if that's how he wants to do it. He doesn't get every one off.

ECBC Sun 07-Jun-20 11:32:44

That’s a lot to deal with OP, I’m sorry. Do you have any other family who can support you? Even if it’s just sitting with them socially distanced in the garden. It is really not acceptable behaviour from your XH. I assume that previous talks with him have not resulted in any positive changes?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 07-Jun-20 11:36:04

Loads of people work shifts and manage to create and stick to a sensible schedule for child contact. He’s taking the absolute piss. It’s shit for you, shit for the children and needs to stop.

You’ve clearly got a lot on your plate right now and I hope things improve quickly but even if life was plain sailing you all need to know what’s happening from one week/month to the next.

Would you go to mediation to get a child arrangements order sorted? He’s not your boss, he doesn’t get to dictate your life to you.

Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:37:46

He works 5 days a week during the week so he sees it as he’s earned his weekend off. He sees childcare as being primarily my responsibility. He doesn’t see me working 3-4 days a week and caring for DC the rest of the time as being worthy of a break. He’s a sexist pig which is one of the main reasons I ended things - cooking, childcare, cleaning, housework, all women’s work in his eyes.

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Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:39:06

I always want to plan fun days with DC but I’m so exhausted, worn out, and unenthusiastic sad

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CourtneyLurve Sun 07-Jun-20 11:41:43

Go to court for an agreed schedule. You don't want to be dancing to his whims for the rest of their childhoods.

Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:44:49

@ECBC I do have some family who live a few miles away, they haven’t been able to help because of the lockdown. My mum used to help with DC once a week or so (she offered and loves spending time with them) When I was off work so I actually got some downtime, and that was my lifeline when my ex was being useless.

He’s a really unreasonable person and arguing with him or bringing up anything leads nowhere. He refuses to take anything on board

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Elephantonascooter Sun 07-Jun-20 11:44:53

Start charging him for the free childcare you provide on your day(s) off in the week. When he asks you way, say your his childcare for when he works 5 days a week.

Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:47:12

It just blows my mind that he can’t understand how wrong it is that we both have weekends off work, but it’s solely MY job to care for DC from Friday night to Monday. It’s so selfish and ignorant

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Paperchainpopp Sun 07-Jun-20 11:48:44

I can fully relate OP it’s so difficult. Does your ex provide finically each month? When does he usually see his kids how often?

Isleepinahedgefund Sun 07-Jun-20 11:52:48

I wonder why he's your ex..... 🤔 Another one on the pile of selfish, entitled, lazy men who cant be bothered to look after their own children.

Realistically you can't actually force him to have the children though can you. You can't appeal to his reasonable side or better nature and he obviously hasn't got either.

You could take him to court but what if he simply doesn't stick to the order?

Does he pay maintenance? (I'm guessing not, an does everything he can to get out of it)

Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:56:50

Surprisingly he does pay towards them at the moment, after not paying a penny for months and months. At the moment it’s around £200-300 a month, but it’s been a real struggle talking him up to that amount.

On one hand I don’t want to push him into having DC for alternate weekends, that would be brilliant for me but firstly he will probably refuse and secondly I don’t want him caring for them resentfully or unwillingly.

I really had no idea he would turn out to be such a shit parent. It was only when DC was born that his selfish, sexist nature came out.

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Tavannach Sun 07-Jun-20 11:57:33

How's your relationship with your exMIL? Could you get her onside?

UK GOV has a guide to childcare arrangements -

He really needs to step up. I agree that you should try mediation if possible.

Pinkrose201 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:58:31

@Paperchainpopp he sees them for 4-6 hours at a time, on random days. He lives in really overcrowded and not clean/tidy accommodation at the moment so DC can’t go to where he lives, the extent of their contact has to be going for walks, to the park, or at my home which I hate, him caring for DC while I’m here isn’t a break for me at all

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Paperchainpopp Sun 07-Jun-20 12:02:22

Awww that isn’t a break for you at all. I would be calling CMS as if he doesn’t have the children overnight this is all taken into consideration.

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