Hubby’s bombshell regarding work

[Lou898]

Bit of background.
Married with 2 sons 16 and 20 both living at home, eldest just finished University.
I’ve always worked and even when I was unhappy in my job, got another before leaving existing one. Hubby worked in business travel industry for many years but in the last 10 years has moved jobs Within travel several times, sometimes due to takeovers, redundancies etc.
About 4 years ago the firm he was working for had issues and I knew he was unhappy but he came home one day and said he’d told them to stuff it. Panic set in a bit as he’d no plans on what to do and we can’t live on just my wage. Subsequently it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling as it took ages for him to secure another job (Partly him not actively looking and suggesting he could professionally gamble but that’s another story ) and we ended up using nearly all our savings. He did some consultancy work for a few months which he got well paid for and then got headhunted for a new travel venture. This was well paid but eventually went under and again out of work. Again took a lot of nagging and stress and upset on my part as we’d just started to get back on track. He decided he wanted out of the travel business and I too thought this was probably the right decision as it’s slowly dying, but it’s what he’d done all his working life. Anyway fast forward and he secured a job In a totally different sector albeit on much lower pay and unsocial hours but something he thought he’d enjoy, so I was happy for him to take a less stressful job if he enjoyed it. The hours aren’t great 6pm to 3am/4am and then until covid a 45 min drive away, but he was ok with doing it when he started.
Covid has since had him working successfully from home which he’s found much better not having the drive home in early hours.
Tonight he’s come down and said firm are looking at getting them back to office in July. He’s said there’s no way I’m doing that. So I said what are you going to do and he said Jack it in if they insist.
I said are you going to start looking for something else then? At first he said yes but then he said I’ve got some money I might just give you that. I said and how long do you think that’ll last? He answered how long do you expect me to work for until I’m 67? He’s 60. I said no but for a few more years, unless you find out when you can draw your pension and if we can manage on it.
He walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since.
I feel stressed about this all happening again. I have lost my dad and mum in the last 15 months mum in Dec and am still struggling with that.
My mum left a house which isn’t sorted out yet due to covid but I’m mad if he thinks that the house will be a safety net for him not to work.

AIBU

[Trevsadick]

Yanbu to be upset. But I thinkbyojbshpjld hive it a few days. Its probably just a reaction.

We all enjoy working from home. But most will go back. And for alot of us it is better at home.

I can imagine getting a snap shot of how much better is at home, then facing go back to what it was, at 60 isnt easy.

But he doesnt need to find something else before he jacks it in

[Lou898]

@Trevsasdick

Why do you say he doesn’t need to find something else before he jacks it in.
This is what worries me because of his track record in finding something and because I think he won’t try and we can’t live on just my wage.

I’m happy to see another point of view on this

[Ponoka7]

It's unfair of him to expect to live off your inheritance. That could make your retirement comfortable, or help out your sons.

He needs a proper plan, if he wants to give up work and you need to do some straight talking.

[Ponoka7]

Also, the reality is that most of us will work until our late 60's.

[Waveysnail]

You both need to sit down and work finances. Can he draw pension? Is there a target he needs work towards to retire? Is he anxious about going back? Can he negotiate part week at home working?

[PerfidiousAlbion]

Have you ever discussed retirement?

Do you both have pensions?

Are you much younger than him?

Does he expect you to keep him, or will he return to gambling?

[agonyauntie2020]

I don't get the bit where he says he's got some money and he'll give it to you?

[blueshoes]

He is being totally unreasonable if he is planning on early retirement and living off you/your inheritance.

I can understand your worry as he has form for dossing around.

Are you much younger than him? He sounds lazy and irresponsible.

[haveyoutriedgoogle]

Of course he needs to find something else before he jacks it in! How else does he expect to contribute to covering his bills? (Clearly he doesn’t expect to)
OP he sounds very selfish. It’s not his fault that he lost jobs initially but he is absolutely responsible for how he acts after that. Do not let him guilt, bully or otherwise cajole you into using your inheritance to allow him to give up work. It’s interesting there’s no discussion here of how long he expects you to work, or a joint retirement. Just him wanting to quit and expecting you’ll keep the money coming in.

[DeeCeeCherry]

If he didn't have your wages to live off + your inherited house in his sights, he wouldn't give up work so easily. All you have to look forward to is him scrounging off you OP. Have a good think about that. Sit him down seriously, tell him you've been thinking and have also decided to give up work (even if that's not true) & see what his reaction is. I think you'll find out a few home truths. This man doesn't want to work anymore and you have to face that head-on.

[DoubleDessertPlease]

Can he try and negotiate wfh for some days of the week? If he’s proven he’s as productive, or more productive when wfh then it might help. I think a lot of companies will realise they can save office space, happier staff, etc by having more wfh.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think he's absolutely thinking your mum's house means he doesn't have to work, and him trying to find a job at 60 with his track record is going to be a slog. He's a prick.

[BitOfANameChange]

I'm pretty sure he's thinking he can live off you, OP, with that house and your salary.

My ex started telling people before I left that he planned to give up work when he was 60 and live off my salary. No discussion with me about that at all. He's 60 in a couple of years, sod that for a laugh. But he'd been bleeding me dry of money for years while saving a nice not so little nest egg for himself.

Your DH can't just jack it in without a discussion as it impacts on you. So he needs to sit with you and you go through finances to see if it's feasible.

[Weenurse]

Mine is 56 and facing redundancy as well.
He also had a cavalier attitude about money, as I have always worked, but we can’t realistically live off what I earn.
I also have a small inheritance sitting in the family account.
I have told mine, that he needs to find another job.
My DH never went hungry as a child, and never had to do without, money was always found.
I did go hungry and without, I get anxious if I don’t think there is enough money coming in.
Has you DH ever had to go without?
Maybe it is time for him to experience that. Let him know what 1 wage really means. See if he is happy then.

[nevermorelenore]

At his age, with most of his experience in a struggling industry, he should not be throwing a job away. He needs to look at his pension options etc first and needs to know he can't expect to live off the house proceeds to take early retirement. Covid could mean it takes ages to sell the place anyway.

[Hagisonthehill]

This would have worn out my respect for him a while ago and I would be separating before he fritters away all the money and you are left stuck with him in retirement.

[AcrossthePond55]

When both incomes are needed to maintain the household, why on earth would someone think it's OK to leave a job before they've found another one? Redundancies or unexpected job loss are different. But no one should leave a needed job before they have another, unless they have sufficient savings to meet their expenses for at least 6 months. If I were you, I'd be furious.

Plus, my parents always told me the best way to get a job is to have a job. Prospective employers generally look more favourably on people who are currently employed.

[SailingAwayIntoSunrise]

45 minute drive in no traffic is not hard

I'd ask him if he seriously thinks he'll find another job anytime soon in the current climate.

I've just taken a contract role that is full time, 3 hour round commute (when we're back in the office) on public transport because it would be bloody stupid not to.

We are mortgage free, have 2 years worth of living expenses saved. But dh is slightly worried about his job and we're only early 40s so a long time to go before we could even consider retiring.

Needs must and all that and he definitely has a need at the moment to keep his job.

[Shinesweetfreedom]

Well op you are just going to have to play it cute,starting from tomorrow morning.
Cut out all the stuff he wants,”oh we need to cut back with only my wage coming in now”
Anything you want for yourself you get.Tell him your friend got if for you as she knows you are struggling.
If the mention of the inheritance comes up,”oh no that can’t be spent as we don’t know what will happen in future,I could lose my job as well so we will have to tighten our belts.We can’t use it for day to day bills,we will just have to go without,.” And make sure it is him going without

[Purpleartichoke]

He absolutely needs to start looking for a new job.

I would also make an appointment with a financial planner who specializes in retirement. An expert can walk you through exactly what you need to have in place to live the life you want and give you a good picture of what your retirement will look like if he leaves his job now.

[Lou898]

Thank you for all your replies. He says things gets me all wound up and sometimes makes me feel like I’m being unfair. I know no relationships are perfect but hate it when this happens. I’m never sure whether he’s just gauging my reaction or he’s serious.
I worked in a bank for 24 years before my current job and I’ve always been careful with money as I’ve seen the issues with debt , hence the reason we’ve always had savings and contingency money.
I’m 7 years younger than him. His brother whose 2 years younger 5han him retired last month But he’d worked for same company from being 16 so has a good pension.
We both have pensions, him private and I’ll have both 2 company ones and a private one.
He’s always worked apart from the 2 gaps and earned some good money at times and he’s not a slacker, don’t think he’s had more than 1 day off in all the time I’ve known him, which makes it hard to understand when he does these things.
@DoubleDessertPlease - I’m hoping he can negotiate wfh. They are short staffed and I’m sure wouldn’t want to lose him but unfortunately some of the younger members of staff have been taking the piss a bit and it might not be possible to let him and not others but they are wanting them back in I think
@Weenurse - he has experienced not having money as his dad died when he was 6 and his mum brought Him and his brother up on her own. She worked hard.
@across the pond - that was always my feelings too as regards getting a job.

[Durgasarrow]

Why shouldn't he keep working? Sixty isn't too old.

[mathanxiety]

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about ring fencing your mother's house and proceeds thereof for yourself alone, if you wish to sell it or rent it out. Don't tell him you're doing it.

I bet he has his eye on it as his get out of work card.

His work /unemployment history sounds like a man who likes plunging his family into difficulty, sabotaging financial security, creating drama and chaos. Professional gambling????

Has he been gambling online while wfh?

[Rainbowqueeen]

He’s selfish, wants what his brother has and doesn’t seem to be taking your needs or wants into account

I’d do both @Shinesweetfreedom and @Purpleartichoke ideas. Also try and negotiate wfh even just a couple of days a week

And I’d also make it clear that if he jacks the job in our marriage would be over. And I’d mean it. He is really taking advantage of you

[EmperorCovidula]

It’s hilarious that he thinks working until sixty seven is a big ask. I’m a millennial and doubt I’ll be able to fully retire until I’m too sick to do any work at all.