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I don't think I am BU with my view on Black Lives Matter?

(162 Posts)
doglover65 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:11:05

I am an active social media user and since the BLM movement gained more momentum I began posting more and only about this.

I will preface this by saying I am mixed race - my mum is white British, my dad was born in Kenya although my heritage is mixed that side, not African. My dad came to the UK (granted citizenship following my Grandad's service in the RAF) and was raised British despite his dark skin - he has no cultural aspects beyond a few specific dishes he can cook relating to his heritage. He was encouraged to fit in and therefore different cultures were discouraged to protect him. I am completely British in every way I act. I suppose for me, growing up, I have been very confused.

I remember the day I realised I wasn't white, I was sat in front of my mirror in my bedroom and was so upset - I hated my dad for it. I have only suffered a small amount of obvious abuse such as being name called a 'paki' but I also represent the current 'ideal' look - I am olive skinned, I have dark British textured hair, I speak very Southern British, and I tan easily. So there's always been a conflict, in some ways people idealise my skin colour but I have also felt a disassociation with my culture. I've witnessed my dad being called the 'n' word in our Home Counties town. I've realised people did treat me differently growing up.

So when I educated myself more on BLM over the past few years - I felt so upset. Whilst I cannot truly understand what black people have gone through, I have still experienced racism in the UK and always been dismissed when I spoke up.

Now that this movement has gained voice I made a statement on social media that silence is a form of compliance - I truly believe this. I suppose I have a few reasons and there are caveats:

- my friends who are also active on social media - who must be to have seen me post my point about silence - were happy to post donation links and information on Run 5, Donate 5, Nominate 5 for NHS.

- they are happy to share stories /posts about bikinis, competitions, make up etc.

- they often send funny memes

- why would you stay quiet? if you're reading things, why not share how useful they are for others, or at least the donation link.

This has caused an issue with two people (or those who have been vocal) both white and extremely privileged (parents own million pound houses, bought them their first house). The first is the fiance of my best friend - he is an absolutely terrible person regardless (if she posted on here people would tell her to run. he wants to come on my hen do to monitor her!) so I just responded reasonably and we agreed to disagree.

The second was my best friend. I said to her why I felt the way I do and she said she just disagrees. We left it as I didn't want to argue. But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji, I thought this was just rude now. She said she doesn't agree with the post.

Now AIBU to feel the way I do? I am so confused now about my friendship.

OP’s posts: |
namesnames Thu 04-Jun-20 12:18:21

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel as you do.

Your friends are also allowed to have differing opinions.

Speak to them, in person, phone or email, explain how you feel, and why.

Social media posts will not fully explain how you are feeling to anyone.

FrodoTheDodo Thu 04-Jun-20 12:20:30

You can feel how you feel. But silence on SM doesn't equal compliance.

PicsInRed Thu 04-Jun-20 12:23:01

But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji

She's not your bf or even your friend.

She will never validate you as the whole person you are ... or even allow you to validate yourself.

Sorry, but she sounds like she needs to be dropped for your mental health.

Re: BLM, YANBU. There are a lot of racist bastards out there.

Monkeynuts18 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:23:58

Just checking I understand - your view is that people have a duty to speak up on social media specifically, and if they don’t they’re compliant in racism?

I can see why you feel that way, and I understand that white silence is white violence. But without wanting to make this about me, I will say that I’ve personally not shared anything on social media because I’m still working out where the line is drawn between a) performance activism, performative allyship and centering myself in something’s that not about me, and b) using my privileged voice for the best.

Labracadabra Thu 04-Jun-20 12:24:26

Well, I do agree with you but I haven't yet posted about BLM because I've been thinking very carefully about what I want to say (as I'm aware that rushed or clumsy posts can actually miss the point quite a lot). I have decided to post about it today on FB. I suppose what you've done is gone beyond just posting your thoughts on it, and you have openly judged those who haven't posted. As with any generalisation, you're bound to be mis-judging the intent of some of those people. Perhaps they are confused, embarrassed or feeling guilty about their white privilege and don't know what to say/write,. They may not be disagreeing with what you're saying. But if your friend is debating with you whether black lives actually do matter, then she IS racist and I'm sorry about that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Thu 04-Jun-20 12:24:33

The eye roll from your friend was disgusting!
I don’t though believe silence is compliance. That’s starting to go down the lines of if you don’t clap for the nhs you don’t give a shit about the nhs, and that’s crap.

Waxonwaxoff0 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:25:48

I agree with you. I'm white.

I used to be silent. When I heard racist comments or saw racist posts on facebook I would just ignore it, even though I thought it was wrong. I didn't want to rock the boat. I don't do that any more, I call out everything. I think staying silent makes you complicit.

I think often a lot of white people think "it's none of my business" which is in itself a problem.

Monkeynuts18 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:26:20

Sorry, pressed send too soon. But I think your best friend’s reaction is a different issue - she’s being actively disrespectful of your views, aboit something that’s incredibly important to you. Personally that would be a friendship dealbreaker for me. You have to decide whether it is for you.

ClaudiaWankleman Thu 04-Jun-20 12:26:47

Your friends are also allowed to have differing opinions
Yes, but it doesn't mean that you have to remain friends with them, or give them the time of day to explain. I wouldn't think twice about dropping someone with views I thought of as discriminatory or supporting racism in any way.

On the other hand OP, I completely agree with Frodo - silence doesn't mean agreement. Social media campaigns can be exhausting (I find it exhausting and I only posted one thing). I have been having time away as I can't bear to watch the videos of police violence. Your friends who haven't posted anything aren't necessarily as awful as the two you've spoken to sound.

NameChangedToProtect1 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:29:31

You have to allow peoletheirown thoughts and space. If they don't want to share your material that is fine. Having had that discussion and then still sending material sending cartoon grammatical symbols doesn't seem so surprising. If you enjoy each others company stay friends uf not part company.

FTMF30 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:30:40

Rolling eye emoji is very out of order. Thats belittling and rude behaviour. I would question your friendship if she not try to understand your point of view or at least question it in a mature and respectful way.

MorrisZapp Thu 04-Jun-20 12:34:19

I don't interact with political, social, corona, or any other kind of 'issue' type posts on Facebook, including those I'm personally passionate about.

I've found it a really poor medium for helpful debate. I prefer forums like this, without the like button and 'well said hun' element.

The eye rolling is bizarre, you can either ask her what the hell that was about or drop her entirely. But silence really doesn't mean disagreement.

I haven't commented on any BLM stuff on Facebook. It's just not what I use that platform for.

NameChangedToProtect1 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:34:34

Mayne it's an age issue but how can you be offended by cartoon grammar!

SnackSizeRaisin Thu 04-Jun-20 12:36:38

Social media is not real life though. Just because someone doesn't want to go along with the ridiculous virtue signalling that goes on, doesn't mean they are racist. It's their actions that are important, not their words. Can't you have a face to face conversation about it instead?

namesnames Thu 04-Jun-20 12:38:15


I meant differing views on the use of their own social media, not racism.

Apologies if that wasn't clear.

Porpoises Thu 04-Jun-20 12:40:18

Its hard but I think you need to talk to her about it, otherwise you'll never know. Does she disagree with BLM, or specifically with sharing on Facebook? Why the emoticon?

If she can't or won't listen to your point of view, you'd be reasonable to end the friendship over it, if you think that's best for you. A best friend should love and affirm your whole identity.

Trevsadick Thu 04-Jun-20 12:40:59

I am in the samenpositiom as you mixed heritage, pass for white most of the time.

Honestly, I have seen so many people saying white people shouldn't get involved at all. That its black peoplem that need to speak.

On Tuesday for the blackout. There would be posts saying 'thank you for posting a black screen', 'followed by all the black screens are still silencing black voices', followed by 'thank you for support from allies' followed by 'the support is great....but some 'allies' are posting for attention, followed by 'the support is drowning out black voices'.

I have posted on social media yet because on most of my public photos (fb cover photos) I probably look white. I dont want to hurt, upset or drown anyone out.

I have, however, had long talks with my children and people in real life. My parents, my friends, collegues about the problem and my thoughts and listened to theirs.

I feel that, doing that will have more of an impact than making a post on my Facebook. My silence is trying to be respectful of people who struggle far more than me. I am doing the work. But quietly.

My silence isn't compliance.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Thu 04-Jun-20 12:41:19

I am white and I have stayed silent. I just think it is time for white people to stop talking and start listening.
Black people are dying (quite literally) to be heard. So often white people control the narrative and tell Black people what they should feel.

YouTheCat Thu 04-Jun-20 12:42:28

Have a look at why you are friends.

I'm white. I'm sharing things on SM. I feel it's important that people don't forget what is going on. I dinged any racists/apologists on FB years ago.

Typohere Thu 04-Jun-20 12:43:52

But when I shared another BLM post she sent me the rolling eyes emoji

She's not a good friend - I wouldn't consider someone who does that an understanding person and certainly not a best friend. Rolling eyes! That is just rude and dismissive - no need for her to make that point at all.

Trevsadick Thu 04-Jun-20 12:44:12

Sorry posted too soon.

Could these people feel the same?

I mean the rolling eyes emoji is off.

If she disagreed she could have done that silently too. Unless you were having a dig at her?

blissfulllife Thu 04-Jun-20 12:44:18

My child told me something this last week that really struck me. If we stay quiet you allow it to continue, if we speak out we become part of the cure. For every one person who you can help to see racism in all its forms and have them understand it better...that person will go on to educate another person on this. And then that person passes on that knowledge to another etc etc and won't exists anymore.

She's eleven x

TheBusDriver Thu 04-Jun-20 12:45:24

Is the rolling eye over a particular article you've provided?

On Social Media there is never a rationale debate it will only ever be from one particular view point.

There is a great video doing the rounds with a different view of black live matters think the guy is named Larry cant remember surname. It raises some questions about BLM

MintyMabel Thu 04-Jun-20 12:46:25

Keep doing it, if it’s a cause you support. Keeping quiet helps no one, it’s wrong for people to silence you.

I’m wondering what raised British despite his dark skin means though?

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