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I think I'm falling for my boss, how the hell do I stop it .....

(35 Posts)
Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 21:37:28

Before I start, nothing has happened, nothing at all. I've name changed, I'm terrified of my secret being let out of the bag. I can't talk to anyone in real life.

I've got a new boss, he's great, he's good at his job, he's nice to be around, I really like him. I think I'm falling for him. I know I'm jabbering and I'm sorry. You see this happened to me years ago, I fell in love with someone completely wrong and I lost everything.

I need to stop thinking about him and just get back to working for him. The problem is I think the feelings are mutual. We get on really well he talks to me all the time about his personal life and how he's feeling. Not in a creepy kind of way. He's not married but he has children. I am married, no children.

How the hell do I stop this? I love my job, it's very well paid, I'm good at it and I don't want to leave.

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formerbabe Wed 03-Jun-20 21:38:57

Imagine washing his pants, picking his socks up off the bedroom floor and rinsing the sink after he's had a shave

Hope that helps!

thaegumathteth Wed 03-Jun-20 21:39:00

Don't worry we'll all be social distancing for ages so nothing can happen anyways

SunbathingDragon Wed 03-Jun-20 21:39:35

What’s wrong with your marriage?

Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 21:41:50

My marriage is pretty awful, obviously, but not awful enough to want to leave.

I'm not sure social distancing is going to do much for my overactive imagination.

Thanks @formerbabe, that's made me smile.

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AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jun-20 21:42:15

Do you love your husband? What’s your marriage like?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jun-20 21:42:43

Sorry, x post.

Lottapianos Wed 03-Jun-20 21:44:42

'My marriage is pretty awful, obviously, but not awful enough to want to leave'

'Pretty awful' sounds terrible. Why not terrible enough to leave? Sounds like this man chats to you, shares stuff with you, and probably listens to you more than your husband does too. Not hard to see why you would find that appealing. You need to have a good think about what he offers you that your husband doesn't and whether that can be fixed

Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 21:51:20

I don't think my husband likes me very much, he's rarely around as he prefers the company of friends. Lockdown was interesting! He has secrets, keeps his phone very close at all times and is generally a pretty awful husband.

I sound like a hypocrite, but I genuinely haven't even swapped a text message with my boss unless it's work related. We chat a lot, he's interested in me as a person, he seems a very kind and thoughtful, very supportive in a working environment.

It isn't difficult to see why I'm attracted to my boss but I'm not ready to do this. It's wrong anyway. I need to stop thinking like this.

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Hopeisnotastrategy Wed 03-Jun-20 21:53:13

Just remember, whenever you’ve started a new job, you've had a “honeymoon” period, where everyone accepted you were new, you were learning your role etc and life was fairly easy. At some point, to whatever degree, the proverbial hit the wotsit.

He’s still in his honeymoon period. He might be a git. Even if he isn’t, you need to take a big step back.

SunbathingDragon Wed 03-Jun-20 21:53:18

What would happen if your husband ended things tomorrow? Could you afford to move or would you need to stay and sell? Can you now imagine that situation reversed and you being the one to end things? Would it be that bad?

formerbabe Wed 03-Jun-20 21:56:38

In all seriousness op, your marriage sounds miserable. Why are you staying in it, especially when you don't have the complication of having children?

Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 21:59:14

I'm going to be accused of drip feeing here. I guess what's happened here is it's very quickly got to the route of the problem, thank you for this, it's clearly what the problem is.

My husband is abusive, he doesn't hit me regularly, but he did again last weekend (last time before this was November). It's not a massive obvious injury, just small bruises each time, enough to make me hate him, but not enough to make me tell anyone.

I've been saving and saving and saving for over a year, I want to buy my own place. I've got about £10k but need another £10k for a deposit. I can last that long. Otherwise I'll never own my own home and I'll rent forever. I need the security of my own home. It may sound crazy, it's all mental health related.

So I suppose the boss thing is a distraction. But one I need to forget about. Thanks for listening. I'm sorry this feels like a mad tangent.

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Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 22:00:59

Please don't undermine my feelings by saying it doesn't matter as I don't have children. My feelings are just as valid as if I did have children.

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Tlollj Wed 03-Jun-20 22:02:45

Ffs leave your abusive husband.
Your boss is not the issue.

FreeKitties Wed 03-Jun-20 22:03:19

You need to end your marriage first, which will pave the way for a healthy relationship with someone else when you are ready

Cheesypea Wed 03-Jun-20 22:03:53

Ok darling. Yes the boss is a distraction. Im so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have any support in the real world.

Lottapianos Wed 03-Jun-20 22:04:30

That's horrendous OP. How dare he do that to you. What an utter bastard. I understand why you want to sit tight and save that other 10k but this man is literally a danger to you. What a horrendous position to be in

And you're quite right with your comment about not having children. Not having children doesn't mean that life and feelings aren't extremely complicated

Kittykat93 Wed 03-Jun-20 22:06:53

Oh op. Take your boss out of the equation - you need to leave your shit head of a husband. No one deserves to be hit by their partner, no one!

Fallingformyboss Wed 03-Jun-20 22:08:32

Thank you, I have little support in the real world and I couldn't tell them about the abuse (or the boss for that matter). It feels like I posted initially with one problem that wasn't the problem at all, it all came out very quickly. Thank you all.

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Boredbumhead Wed 03-Jun-20 22:08:50

You don't need a man to rescue you. Get a mortgage broker and see if you can get a 5% mortgage and then get the hell out of there. You are projecting a white knight scenario into your boss. But he won't be that. The power imbalance will be there.

Cakecakes2011 Wed 03-Jun-20 22:10:07

I think if there’s a chance you might need to support yourself soon you need to make sure you don’t jeopardise your job by pursuing this thing with your boss any further. Keep on good terms but don’t get too in with him as you’re going to need that good salary!

Also your boss is clearly filling the gap your husband has created, he is kind and caring which is what you need right now....but fill that gap by being kind and caring to yourself by leaving him when you can and making sure you keep your job...

Who knows once you’ve got your life sorted out and are where you want to be maybe your boss will turn out to be the love of your life, or you might just realise that this crush is your minds way of telling you that you’re not getting what you need at home and that you need to change that....but change it in the right way and not by starting a relationship with someone else before you leave your oh.

Lottapianos Wed 03-Jun-20 22:10:58

'You are projecting a white knight scenario into your boss. But he won't be that. '

And she knows that now. Good advice about seeing a mortgage broker. OP, the sooner you're away from that awful man, the better.

BirdieFriendReturns Wed 03-Jun-20 22:17:38

Have sex with him.

formerbabe Wed 03-Jun-20 22:17:46

Please don't undermine my feelings by saying it doesn't matter as I don't have children. My feelings are just as valid as if I did have children

You've totally misunderstood me. I'm just saying that without children it is generally easier and less complicated to leave.

Now you've tried us he's abusive, I think you should get some real life support to leave him and stay safe flowers

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