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To say something this time?

(56 Posts)
squiffyseesaw Wed 03-Jun-20 15:35:21

DF gave my sister over twice as much money for her wedding than he did mine. I didn't say anything at the time but I was hurt that we weren't treated fairly.

DF has come into some money and gave my sister his car, which is worth over £5k. He says he will give me £2k to help with some house stuff that needs doing.

I don't care about the amounts. I care that she always gets at least twice as much as me. I don't understand it and I want to ask why. WIBU to do so? Am prepared for being called a grabby little shit but I would honestly rather he gave us both nothing than treat us so differently.

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Wed 03-Jun-20 15:37:02

I understand your annoyance but it's just better for you to let it go. You're very fortunate to get anything...many people don't have families to give them money and cars.

Is it possible your sister is seen as less capable than you?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 03-Jun-20 15:38:25

Yes, I'd refuse the money full stop - just say you find it more hurtful to be given less and would rather have nothing at all than be taken back to how you felt when you knew your sister was given twice as much for her wedding as you were.

Why not? Just say it. But keep your dignity by making it clear it's so much not about the money that you are refusing any money - it's about him making it clear that you come second.

CrotchetyQuaver Wed 03-Jun-20 15:38:52

Nothing ventured nothing gained, but have you thought about the possible consequences of doing this. He may be furious and completely cut you off. So think hard before going down this route.
However unless there's a big backstory it doesn't sound very fair. My parents always try to treat my brother and I equally and I do the same with my daughters.

Distiller91 Wed 03-Jun-20 15:39:32

Although it doesn't make it fair is she less well off than you?

squiffyseesaw Wed 03-Jun-20 15:42:29

She is about the same as us, money wise. My DH earns more but we live in a more expensive part of the country and have two kids. She is married, with two incomes, and no dependents.

OP’s posts: |
7yo7yo Wed 03-Jun-20 15:43:36

I’d say something.

squiffyseesaw Wed 03-Jun-20 15:44:01

I think I am going to refuse the money.

I'm tired of this. My DM always said she would treat us exactly the same. But she died.

OP’s posts: |
LanaDelBoy Wed 03-Jun-20 15:51:29

Personally I think I'd rather have 2k cash than an expensive car that will need servicing, insurance etc, unless you are in actual need of a car.
The wedding one is worse imo, it's a very clear discrepancy, unless you got married in the 80s and her 30 years later!

pinkbowl Wed 03-Jun-20 16:06:31

My DF is the same with my DS and me. Over the years he has given her gifts of money whenever she has asked for it. No expectation that she will pay him back.
My relationship with him has always been a little prickly and I never asked him for financial help.....until I needed a little support when leaving my STBEXH.
Sure he would send the money over to me straight away.....then the tricky thing......when would I be likely to pay him back. I had kind of assumed he would help a kiddo out as he had done to my DS previously.
Stubborn pride wouldn't let me take the money in the end.
As a parent I can't understand how you have different money rules for each one.
'She has green eyes so need £300. He has 6 toes so we'll pay for the whole wedding in Bali'.
They have their reasons I suppose. It's their money at the end of the day. Let them look after that and you look after your feelings. smile

Windyatthebeach Wed 03-Jun-20 16:14:23

Well feel free to remind him who his Golden Child is when he needs help in his old age..
Can't imagine treating my dc financially different...

sallievp Wed 03-Jun-20 16:22:37

I think it's horribly unfair. I think I would ask very simply why has he given much more to sister on xyz occasions and see what he has to say.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 03-Jun-20 16:53:13

I'd ask. It's already damaging your relationship to be honest and if it was me, it would eat away at me.

I doubt he will actually tell you the real reason but at least you will have tried.

I'd say you are very grateful for everything and it's not the actual money, but the 'why'd that's bothering you since lots of people would assume you give the same to children you love equally and it's making you worried that you've upset him or arent as close or something.

If you think he is the kind of person that will get angry at a question like that, are you close to your sister? Could you ask her why she thinks you get less? If it was me I would feel bad about accepting a lot more than my sibling and I think a lot of people would feel the same

DanielRicciardosSmile Wed 03-Jun-20 16:55:07

LanaDelBoy

Personally I think I'd rather have 2k cash than an expensive car that will need servicing, insurance etc, unless you are in actual need of a car.
The wedding one is worse imo, it's a very clear discrepancy, unless you got married in the 80s and her 30 years later!

I was thinking the same, but I'm guessing it's the proverbial straw in OP's case.

cushioncovers Wed 03-Jun-20 16:55:48

I get you op. It's hurtful that your father does this. Whatever the amounts they should be equal unless one sibling is hugely disadvantaged compared to the other.

Onekidnoclue Wed 03-Jun-20 16:59:56

I’d ask. Perhaps he thinks your sister is in more need now and intends to equalise in his will? Does seem strange that he’s giving more to the child without the kids.
Having said that I’m sibling who always gets less and while it pisses me off a lot I’ve always just sucked it up so clearly can’t take my own advice blush

squiffyseesaw Sun 07-Jun-20 12:33:59

I have decided to say something.

I'm just going to ask why he gave my sister more. See where it goes from there.

I've been thinking so much about my mum this last week, over and over, and the conversations she and I would have about situations such as this. She would be so upset and disappointed that we are being treated differently. And I know she would have had my back.

OP’s posts: |
Euclid Sun 07-Jun-20 12:50:50

Unless it would be too painful for your father, why not tell him your mother's views on the subject and tell him how upset and disappointed she would have been with him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 07-Jun-20 15:17:06

Good luck OP, I hope you get some answers that help, if not you know you will at least have tried to follow your late mum's wishes and sort out your relationships with your dad and sister. If you say nothing it will probably eat away at you.

Pinkyyy Sun 07-Jun-20 15:24:59

How old is your DF? If he's quite old and she does a lot for him, then I could see why she would get more than you. If there is no situation like that, I'd tell him how you feel.

Star81 Sun 07-Jun-20 15:26:21

I always find it hard to understand parents treating children differently. If there obvious reasons why it’s understandable but otherwise unforgivable as it makes one sibling feel so bad and less worthy than others.

VettiyaIruken Sun 07-Jun-20 15:34:24

It's really hurtful.

It isn't about cold hard cash, it's about what it represents to you. Love, care, favouritism.

When it comes to family and money, in most cases it's really not about the cash.

Nevertouchakoala Sun 07-Jun-20 15:43:29

For me equal isn’t exactly the same. But everyone jane different on this. As long as you are treated equally with affection I’d let this go.

JustC Sun 07-Jun-20 15:46:29

Yep, it is hurtfull and you should discuss. But at the end of the day it is also their money to do as they please. I dont get some parents, I have seen a couple of similar threads. My mum once shared some inheritance money between me and sis, I got a tad more as we were investing in smth at that point, but it was discussed with both me and sis at the time. Also sis was assured when they sell some lands that are in the fam, she will get a bigger share than me to make up for it. We would have been/still are ok with whatever mum decides to do with the money, as it's hers to share or not.

HellSmith Sun 07-Jun-20 16:11:00

My mom always gave me more as she said that I was the only one who ever did anything for her. Not that she ever asked anything of me, but I was always there when no one else was.

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