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Am I being unrealistic?

(7 Posts)
AllNaturalIngredients Wed 03-Jun-20 13:48:22

AIBU to ask why you are settled down with the person you are married to or in a long term relationship with? This is going to be a long ramble so bear with me.

If you are currently in a relationship Is it everything you imagined “the one” would be? Intense lust (even if it was just at the start) and best friend, something you’ve never had before? Or more of a compromise of the two - and you settled with someone that felt comfortable.

The reason I ask, my friend is happily married, but the other day made a reference to her husband just being ok looking (in her opinion) but that he was a safe bet (not exact words but more or less). This surprised me as I know she loves him very deeply.

I am 36 and very happily single, much too lazy to be bothered with the ins and outs of a relationship but have been seeing a 41 year old man for 3.5 years. I wouldn’t say it’s a relationship as I only see him maybe once every 8 weeks or so, but we do text most days. I would guess that if I wanted a proper relationship he would oblige but I’m happy with the ways things are. I’m very sexually attracted to him and we do connect very well but I’m not head over heels for him. In all ways he ticks the boxes but just not that butterflies in my tummy thinking about him thing. I do think if I was inclined I could live with him easily.

All relationships I’ve had before seen to have been one sided, either I have been more into them or vice versa. And now I’m beginning to think all my life I was looking for the wrong thing or something that doesn’t exist. I don’t believe in “the one” as in one and only soulmate but I don’t know, someone that ticks all the boxes?

Now I’m not looking and thinking when I younger I was younger and looking for something unrealistic? I briefly dated men who were gorgeous and kind, but just no spark for me. I also really liked guys who weren’t as textbook good looking and / or jerks who I was mad about 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU - yes you are unrealistic
YANBU - not unrealistic to want that

OP’s posts: |
AllNaturalIngredients Wed 03-Jun-20 15:49:16

Anyone? Lol

OP’s posts: |
InDubiousBattle Wed 03-Jun-20 16:12:10

I suppose it depends on how many boxes need ticking! I've been with my dp for 22 years and we were teenagers when we met, so I don't honestly remember having many of the specific 'boxes' one might if they were looking for a partner in their 30's or 40's etc. We've grown up together, we share (largely)the same values, similar attitudes to money, kids, politics, religion, we have the same priorities in life. I think he's fit and we have good sex, it's ebbed and flowed over the years what with having young dc but nothing serious in a life time long (I hope!)relationship. We are also very comfortable with each other and our relationship is companiable too, we enjoy spending time together and make each other laugh.
No one's perfect though, I guess it's how important the other person's particular imperfections are to you.

BarbedBloom Wed 03-Jun-20 16:14:20

I am very happy almost 6 years in. It isn't intense like it was when we first met and there is a comfortable feel to it, but I still find him very attractive and we kiss and cuddle all the time. We still have regular sex as well. We have a lot in common and we stayed up last night just talking.

I had two previously abusive partners and then tried a safe relationship where he was very nice but I wasn't into him. I was getting bored after 6 months and I realised that it wasn't fair to him as he was hugely into me. I just saw the years stretch ahead of avoiding sex, being content but never really happy and us sitting in sepeate rooms doing our own thing.

BarbedBloom Wed 03-Jun-20 16:17:57

Oh FWIW my boxes to be ticked were non smokers likes animals and wants pets, ideally arty or at least happy to wander round the occasional museum, kind and interested in the world around him. He ticks all of them, is actually an artist

Redwren Wed 03-Jun-20 16:24:58

I'm nearly 11 years in, 2 DC now, we met aged 20, I've never really thought about finding the one but my husband certainly ticks most boxes. Very affectionate, passionate, I think hes very attractive, kind, hard working, intelligent enough so we always have conversation, hard working, same morals. He certainly still gives me butterflies and I dont think either of us is more into the other, we are very equal

Hoggleludo Wed 03-Jun-20 16:34:08

I’m in a very happy marriage

I want to rip his head off some days. Some days I think oh my god. But not once. Do I ever go. I don’t want to be with him. He can make me sooooo mad. We can argue like the best of them. But I’ve never thought I want to walk away. Does that make sense? So before with boyfriends. I would get this innate dread. I’d then spilt from them and it was a huge relief.

However. My husband is not who I imagined I’d ever marry. (I never wanted to marry. When we first got together I would burst into tears at the thought. Long standing family issues). But one day that changed. He’s not what I thought I liked look wise. Nor personality wise. We’re also incredibly different

But he treats me like I’m a princess. He tells me I’m beautiful every single day. He tells me he loves me. Every single day. He’s the most generous person I’ve ever met. I could give away all of our money and he wouldn’t mind. It’s like our love got more intense over time

There are times were so annoyed with each other we don’t speak all day. Or night!

But again. The redeeming features are worth it. He’s a good man. He’s a good provider. He works hard for this family. (Too hard sometimes). We are like chalk and cheese. Yet he’s my one. Simple as.

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