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AIBU... Hen Do Abroad.

(170 Posts)
LunasOrchid Wed 03-Jun-20 08:38:32

I've NCd and changed a few details as to not out myself. I know COVID-19 might have an impact here but let's imagine for the sake of this that it won't.

I'm married to my DH and we have a 4yo DS together. Last week I was invited to a friend's hen do that will be abroad for 4 nights. I was excited at the prospect and told DH. But DH has raised some points and now I'm doubting that I should go.

So the points he's raised are...

- I work in education so the hen do would need to be during the school holidays for me to be able to attend.

- DH works a mixture or night and early shifts so we'd have no childcare, DH would have to use his AL.

- We are trying to save for a house deposit. We aren't financially well off, have some debt but have been trying hard the past few months. The hen do which is likely to cost hundreds will need to come out of that fund.

- DH has been wanting to go on holiday for ages now. We haven't been abroad for a few years and he can't wait for us to take DS on his first proper holiday. I'll admit that I have been pretty determined to save for a deposit so have always said no to holidays. Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

- I am MoH for my best friend and will be going abroad for her do in 2022. DH has said that's 2 holidays for me and zero for the family.

- When I've said that I'll get a bit of grief from my friend for not going my DH has that our situation is completely different to theirs. All my friends either live at home with their parents or own their own homes already. None of my friends have children so our circumstances are different and we have very little disposable income.

AIBU and selfish to consider going? Just to clarify, this was not an argument. DH wasn't angry, we were jusy having a discussion about it last night.

OP’s posts: |
moveandmove Wed 03-Jun-20 08:45:13

Personally I don't think it's fair for you to yo away when you can't afford to go away as a family too. Family holidays always come first in my opinion.

leftovercoffeecake Wed 03-Jun-20 08:46:00

Sorry Op, but I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Imagine if your husband had said no to family holidays because he wanted to save for a house, but then decided to go on a piss up holiday with his mates, using your deposit money to do so. How would you feel?

If you’ve already got another hen do abroad lined up, I’d give this one a miss. If your friend gets pissy, then she’s not that great of a friend.

TeaAndHobnob Wed 03-Jun-20 08:47:33

Your DH is right. A family holiday should take priority over a hen do.

onalongsabbatical Wed 03-Jun-20 08:48:08

Agree with your dh on every point OP.

Star81 Wed 03-Jun-20 08:48:46

I understand you wanting to go but I have to agree that if you can’t afford to do things with your family then it seems unfair you going away on 2 abroad hens. 2 hens would amount to a week abroad when your husband and son get none.

I was one of the first in my group to have had children and that does mean that your life and priorities are different to theirs. That is a choice you made though and you have to alter your lifestyle accordingly.

Iloveacurry Wed 03-Jun-20 08:51:49

Well he does have a point!

DitheringBlidiot Wed 03-Jun-20 08:53:23

I wouldn't go in this scenario, if your friend doesn't understand then I don't think she's a particularly good friend. If you have a hen do abroad you have to expect people not to come. I know it's not nice to have to say no, but I don't think it would be fair to prioritise a hen do over a family holiday.

ArfArfBarf Wed 03-Jun-20 08:54:46

Dh has said he doesn't think it's fair that I can spend our money going on a piss up abroad whilst I've been saying no to us going on a family holiday.

Your DH is 100% correct here.

TooTiredTodayOk Wed 03-Jun-20 08:56:22

Your DH is right. On every point.

This thread has the whiff of a reverse about it.

Theoscargoesto Wed 03-Jun-20 08:56:50

If the situation was reversed, and he wanted solo holidays abroad and you wanted to go as a family, what would you think?

Ughmaybenot Wed 03-Jun-20 08:57:04

Your husband is 100% in the right. You’d be so selfish to go on this hen do, especially given you’re already booked to go on another! Family holidays and money should come first.
This is a bit too obvious really, is this a reverse?

legalseagull Wed 03-Jun-20 08:57:06

Yep sorry op, I'm with your DH too.

zscaler Wed 03-Jun-20 08:58:18

I agree - I don’t think it’s fair for you to go on a hen do abroad if you’ve been saying no to family holidays to save money (especially if your DH would have to use annual leave to provide childcare).

Your friend has no right to give you grief about it - if she’s having an extravagant hen do abroad, she can’t expect everyone to be able to attend.

backinthebox Wed 03-Jun-20 08:59:07

I am with your DH on all his points.

turnthebiglightoff Wed 03-Jun-20 08:59:19

Is this a reverse OP?

zscaler Wed 03-Jun-20 08:59:29

Oh I bet this bloody will be a reverse as well

ErickBroch Wed 03-Jun-20 09:00:57

If you genuinely can't afford to go on a family holiday then I think it's really unfair to go on a hen do abroad.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 03-Jun-20 09:01:43

This thread has the whiff of a reverse about it

Indeed. Maybe it's the DH who wants to go on multiple stag dos and the DW who's quite rightly objecting and he's thinking that she's being unreasonable and she's asking Mumsnet because he thinks Mumsnet would tell her to go, but oh look, that hasn't happened.

Solo holidays are only really reasonable once in a position of financial stability including bought a house if that's your aim, plus being able to afford at least one family holiday per year and then both partners would need to be able to have one, either splitting the available time and money if necessary or alternating years etc.

PotteringAlong Wed 03-Jun-20 09:01:47

He’s got a point.

I thought you were being unreasonable with 1 hen do abroad in the circumstances you describe, and then you slip in you’re doing it twice on two years?!

Don’t go on either hen do, including the one for your best friend (if she’s that desperate for you to attend she will have her hen do as a night out in this country like normal people) and then go on a family holiday. It will cost exactly the same and your deposit fund is intact.

Racoonworld Wed 03-Jun-20 09:02:33

Completely agree with your DH. You should prioritise a family holiday before a friends one. That should be the case for the hen do in 2022 as well.

Wannabangbang Wed 03-Jun-20 09:04:21

I agree with your DH here as a family holiday should take trumps over a girls holiday if you can't afford to do both. Because everyone gets something from a family holiday not just you

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 Wed 03-Jun-20 09:04:22

Yes I agree with your DH, I really want to go away with my mum, but it would have to be in addition to a family break (which is why it’s not gonna happen any time soon grin).
Family time is the priority, extras are a nice to have. Your friend should understand.

yikesanotherbooboo Wed 03-Jun-20 09:05:57

I would be ok regarding taking AL to look after DC if my DH wanted to go on a piss up but I would really object to hard earned savings going on such an event if we as a family were unable to go on holiday. At your stage in life we were unable to afford to go to all our friends weddings, it was a shame but just a fact of life. I must admit I judge overseas weddings and hen dos / stag weeks a bit as being unreasonable, DD says I am out of touch !

Nottherealslimshady Wed 03-Jun-20 09:06:15

Your husband is completely correct.

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