Hi everyone, first time poster here but have read threads on here (often concerning this subject) with interest.
Just that really, I'm 20 and at university. Having thought about this often, I'm pretty sure I'm leaning more towards the side of not having kids. Disclaimer - I fully appreciate that there have been many cases of people swearing blind when they were my age that they'd never want kids, only to have gone down the procreative path in their 30s, so never say never! However, I have thought pretty deeply about this. I also get that for many people it's an uncontrollable, illogical urge - after all, the meaning of life once we strip everything back is just to procreate! Obviously I have a sex drive but no burning desire to reproduce - glad we're in an age of overwhelmingly effective contraception.
To an extent, I think this could partly be linked to me being an only child, and a fairly introverted one at that. Throughout my childhood, I often had long periods of solitude/having to entertain myself, and feel perfectly content with and revel in my own company. (I do have friends, but don't need to be around someone else all the time IYSWIM). Further to me not having siblings, all of my cousins are now in their early 30s (and at the stage I'm at now - uni, gap years etc - when I was a kid) so I've never really had much experience of living with people my own age in a domestic setting while I was growing up.
I suppose up until around I was 15-16 or so, I'd sort of assumed I'd go down the conventional "marriage and kids" route as I hadn't really questioned it/considered the alternative, but having read around online and thought more deeply about it, I'm veering much more towards going the childfree lifestyle. I guess in a way, having had something of a sheltered childhood and never having endured the rough-and-tumble of competition with siblings, I hadn't really considered - from what it now seems to me at least - the seemingly relentless drudgery involved in many facets of parenting, especially in the early years! I fully respect those that chose to take on the responsibility of having DC, but I don't think I'd really like having that 24/7 "always on" IYSWIM. When I've finished my day's public side (being at my occupation etc) I like to unwind in peace.
Occasionally I think of some of the priceless "Instagram moments" - the idyllic family Christmas scene, one of the "nuclear family" cultural tropes I guess as well, being the one that comes to mind - and then I remember that for every one fleeting moment like that, there are 99 messier and unglamorous ones - tantrums to name but one. I suppose for many that makes it all worthwhile, in the kind of "nothing worth having comes easy" ilk - which is fair enough of course. However, I don't personally think it'd be worth it enough for me. Sometimes, I occasionally think in passing "oh that'd be nice if I had a family", then quickly remind myself of the reality and am firmly back to my childfree outlook!
Another thing that is a major factor in it for me is cost - the c. £250k figure of raising a child from birth to 18 is often bandied about. Again, fair enough if you do want to be a parent - but it does seem an awful lot. I was staggered at how much childcare costs, for example, and how in many cases, many parents (most often women) have to work for often what amounts to nothing, once childcare costs have been deducted, for a few years.
I should add I'm in a fairly fortunate position, especially in the current climate - which I fully acknowledge and appreciate how lucky I am. My family are kindly funding my studies, so I will graduate debt-free, and I have a comfortable portfolio of savings and GP inheritance - and my DPs have said they have some for a house deposit for me, should I need it. I also have a part time job which I'm saving my wages from and adding to my overall pot. So in a way, if my inclination was the opposite (i.e. wanting to have kids in the future) I'd have a head start on many that will be potentially paying off student debt/not have any savings or family support.
Plus, although I'm at university, reading how full-on and draining a lot of the "corporate" jobs are really puts me off in a way. Yet, it seems, to give your kids a reasonable standard of living, at least one in a couple needs to have a well-paid job. To be honest, although I've done rather well academically, I'm a bit lazy deep down, and don't think I'd necessarily want a big, all-encroaching corporate "career" that would require me to live and breathe it. Thinking about it, I don't think I'd be too perturbed with just a reasonably paid job to support myself, and a modest flat for the foreseeable future at least. Whereas you read on here about the skyrocketing house prices up until recently/cost of living etc if you have mortgage on a family home and all the other outgoings associated with having a family.
I'm not really asking whether I'm being U to want to be childfree necessarily, as I fully believe either choice is equally valid and that it's an individual decision for everyone (and it's good if people think carefully as well!) I suppose I'm more so curious as to whether anyone felt pretty ardent that they wanted to be childfree at an early age?
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Did anyone else feel they wanted to be childfree from an early(ish) age?
53 replies
Inventra · 02/06/2020 20:40
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