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To Not Let My Mum Be Part Of Me or DD's Life

(34 Posts)
phoenixwings Tue 02-Jun-20 20:27:44

I haven't had contact with my mum for five years now due to her being totally toxic with her abusive ways.

All my life she watched while her partners abused me both physically and sexually (although she didn't watch she knew the sexual abuse was going on). She was also emotionally abusive calling me stupid and never told me she loved me once but spent her entire time telling me I was a mistake. She took my abuser's side and went out of her way to make me feel as uncomfortable as she possibly could and later slept with said guy.

I am more happier without her in my life but most people have voiced their opinion about my choice to shut her out, saying she is not well and how I will live to regret it.

She has already been saying things to my Nanna and siblings about DD and it just makes me feel vindicated in my decision but today my sibling's dad brought her up (on a chat in Messenger) and when I said I was still not letting her be part of her life he went quiet and stopped typing.

I think this has made me have a bit of a wobble although I am fairly irritated and saddened that I still have to explain myself after all this time.

Am I being unreasonable to not her be part of mine and DD's life?

OP’s posts: |
Fimofriend Tue 02-Jun-20 20:51:15

No! You have the right to be safe! She does NOT get the right to abuse you just because she is your mother. Feel free to call anybody who tries to get her back in your life an accomplish in your abuse. If they try to make you see her ask them "Why? Is it because you enjoy to know I suffer? Are you are goddamn pervert?". Tell them that they are sick in the head. Because people who try to make you accept more abuse are SICK IN THE HEAD!

Marlena1 Tue 02-Jun-20 20:54:14

What was done to you was horrific and she has no right (and should not be let) to be near your child.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 02-Jun-20 20:59:55

I wouldn't allow her within 10 miles of my child, not ever, not if she apologised, not for any reason. You shouldn't ever speak to her again, either. She lost her mother and grandmother privileges many years ago. I would also refuse to listen to any pleas from other family members. If they bring her up, terminate the conversation.

user1498572889 Tue 02-Jun-20 21:01:46

You do not need to vindicate yourself to anyone. You know you are doing the right thing and you know that your mum should have protected you and loved you. She is not worth a second thought and anyone who questions this needs to be told your not interested and you don’t wish to talk to them about something they can never understand because they did not live it. I never forgave my father and only felt able to forgive him when he was dead. No regrets about shutting him out of my life at all.

AlwaysCheddar Tue 02-Jun-20 21:02:22

You are doing the right thing and anyone who says your wrong is the idiot. Good for you for protecting your dd - Shame your mum couldn’t protect you. Stay strong.

BumpBundle Tue 02-Jun-20 21:19:17

MIL has nothing to do with my husband or my child. Your child's safety is more important than her happiness.

fitzi4life Tue 02-Jun-20 21:20:42

Simple answer, no.
Don't ever feel you need to justify yourself to anyone.
You were not safe around her so why would you let your child be around her.

Holothane Tue 02-Jun-20 21:25:37

No she’s made her bed let her lie on it, you are happy and must remain so, I ditched my toxic family 13 years ago, never saw them again even when the woman who brought me died, I didn’t go to her funeral and I didn’t cry either, she was dead and could hurt no one again.

phoenixwings Tue 02-Jun-20 22:48:16

Thanks everyone!

It is just so difficult sometimes and today has been one of those days.

I think siblings dad wants everybody to get along but how I don't know. He knows all too well what she allowed to happen and yet he is disappointed by my decision. Not only that but she has abused his children/ my siblings too. Not once did he make any effort to get them away from her.

My brother is 14 but it keeps being said he is more like a six/seven year old but to me he is just an ordinary teenager and my sister is 13. She has also voiced her sadness that mum and I don't talk but not sure whether mum is manipulating her but wouldn't put it past her. I worry that they will hate me for shutting her out. They are at the age where they are still loyal to their parents no matter what happens.

She has sent countless messages over the five-year period and has set up various profiles on Facebook which I've blocked - she is on her 10th one now. She asked my Nanna last week what if she were to pass away and she never got to say goodbye to us.

Another ploy for her to make me feel guilty but she didn't feel guilty letting me walk to school by myself from the age of six or shutting me in my room so she could get cosy with my abuser.

All of which she denies, of course hmm

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Tue 02-Jun-20 23:10:31

You're in the right.

Your step father is .... Useless.

Don't let him or anyone else worry you.

.. she never got to say goodbye to us.

She doesn't deserve to, too bad.

GilbertMarkham Tue 02-Jun-20 23:14:37

She's lucky you're not going to the police with info of how she colluded in child sex abuse.

In fact I'd advise you to do that alongside making them aware of the historic child abuse by the men who perpetrated it if they're still alive.

iknowimcoming Tue 02-Jun-20 23:19:36

I've been non-contact with my mother for 8 and a half years and have no regrets (and she was a perfect mum compared to yours) my kids have no regrets either. You are 100% doing the right thing, well done and stay strong! Your dd is lucky to have you thanks

BrummyMum1 Tue 02-Jun-20 23:41:31

You don't owe her anything.

timetest Tue 02-Jun-20 23:44:35

Keep her away. Protect your daughter and yourself. She deserves no consideration.

phoenixwings Tue 02-Jun-20 23:50:06

@GilbertMarkham I did when I was a teenager but CPS dropped it on the conclusion of there not being enough evidence.

OP’s posts: |
nanbread Tue 02-Jun-20 23:51:57

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.

I imagine there's a lot of cognitive dissonance going on with your sibling's dad.

He perhaps can't face the fact he had a relationship - and children - with an abuser. You couldn't help it - it was your mother! Whereas he chose it.

And he can't accept your pain, your truth, and the effects of that, without accepting his own truth.

If this is the case, he's putting his own feelings above yours and doesn't have your best interests at heart. So don't listen to him. Do what's best for YOU.

phoenixwings Wed 03-Jun-20 14:45:00

Yes I think this may be the case. Although in all fairness she didn't tell him anything about what had happened. It was only after they'd split up he got to know.

But the fact he kept them with her knowing she was incapable is still mind boggling. My siblings live with him and their stepmum now but that was only because he was forced to after social services were involved for the millionth time!

OP’s posts: |
thetoddleratemyhomework Wed 03-Jun-20 21:17:26

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Please protect your DD and yourself.

thetoddleratemyhomework Wed 03-Jun-20 21:18:37

Ps well done for standing up for yourself and for resisting the pressure. It must be so difficult.

phoenixwings Fri 05-Jun-20 15:15:28

It hasn't been easy at all and I didn't expect it would be. Some days I think it would be easier to go back to having contact just so I wouldn't have to listen to how 'unreasonable' I am being. But I know that would be wrong because she will only continue to do what she has been doing her whole life and mine. Where is the sense in that?

Absolutely none.

It is my brother and sister I feel for the most though as they are caught in the middle of her manipulative ways. My mum has said multiple times to my Nanna she doesn't know why we aren't speaking and I have to wonder if there is any truth in it or whether that is just another ploy to get me to talk to her.

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Fri 05-Jun-20 15:29:43

Ignore the flying monkeys op..
My dm was a rubbish dm. Ime they make equally rubbish dgm's also.
I have no regrets my dm hasn't seen my dc for 8 years.
Yiei dm has zero entitlement to know anything about you or your dc.
To be brutal you would be failing your dc to even contemplate having anything to do with her at all.

wildone84 Fri 05-Jun-20 15:30:33

No, stay away from her! She knew sexual abuse was happening to you and did nothing? Unforgiveable.

MattBerrysHair Fri 05-Jun-20 15:42:33

So sorry for what you suffered 💐

Keep on doing what you're doing, it's the right thing to have NC.

Your step-dad knows this deep down too but probably feels threatened by your decision to not see her as he knows it's what he should have insisted on for his DC too, and the fact he didn't makes him look bad. If you were to reinstate contact then he could 'forgive' himself for allowing contact to continue between her and his DC. A surprisingly large amount of people like to brush things like sexual abuse under the carpet and pretend it never happened. You not seeing her is a constant reminder for him that his DC suffered abuse whilst in her care and instead of dealing with it properly he's putting pressure on you to allow him to forget, which is not what good parents do.

Muppetry76 Fri 05-Jun-20 15:42:49

OP you are right, send the flying monkeys away with a dose of your truth and a fly in their ears.

I was NC with my mum until covid19 and pressure from my sibling. I'm back seeing a (different) counsellor already who has told me I should respect my mum - I will be telling him that I will not be respectful to anyone who is abusive to me, was abusive to me and remains so. It took me a lot to be comfortable with my decision to go NC, you have worked hard to get to where you are, don't let doubt and FOG get in the way now. Your DC has the right to a future without abusive adults in it, it doesn't matter who they are.

People who have never had abuse from a parent don't know how screwed up it makes you - she's your mum, she gave birth to you blah blah blah. Well yes, but by the same reckoning she then shouldn't be abusing me and allowing it to go on when you were younger. And that doesn't give her the right to see your DC either.

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