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Aib u to expect DH to be self motivated.Or am I a control freak?

(29 Posts)
whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 16:24:27

All lockdown I have been the one the share out there chores and keep some kind of rhythm to our days.DH works until 3 I normally get in 10/1030.
I have said he can decided what we do but he never knows even when he wakes up.He is 60.!! So day by day I've persuaded him to help with painting the house,at first he resisted then got stuck in and felt a sense of achievement.
The same with the garden and so on.I've tried to use previous time to get jobs done.
I never went in the garage as I knew there was a mess in there.After many rows he said he had done it.It was a shock when I couldn't get in the door so I had to spend most of the day with his shouting at me sorting it out.Dump sell etc.Now he is happy.He made some money.
I find this quite draining as I shouldn't have to motivate him.I am quite a driven person and know that things have to be done.
The next thing will be when furlough ends of he does not have a job.I suggested he looks now as he was out of work last year.
Am I a control freak or just self motivated

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ShebaShimmyShake Tue 02-Jun-20 16:33:28

No, you're not unreasonable or unusual. Women do not like passive and unmotivated men, quite the opposite. I don't understand how anyone puts up with it.

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 16:38:00

I could weep.I understand it more from my ds.I even cut his hair which everyone including himself said he looked better.

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whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 20:52:41

Surely someone else knows how I feel.

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topcat2014 Tue 02-Jun-20 21:00:40

Does he enjoy any of these tasks? I hate all decorating, and ideally would have all my house painted white and Astroturf lawn. Can be a myth that men want to do stuff like this.

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 21:03:26

I don't know.He always did.Surely on low incomes we just need to do all the DIY as we always have.

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Boredbumhead Tue 02-Jun-20 21:10:54

My dp is very like this. Ime they are impossible to change.

BreathlessCommotion Tue 02-Jun-20 21:14:23

I'm exhausted just reading that. Why does he have to know what to do when he wakes up? Can't he have a day where he does nothing except mooch around. My dh is "driven" and it drives me bonkers. Sometimes (quite often) I'd like to just do nothing.

I hate gardening and DIY, so I would avoid at all costs.

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 21:21:06

We do have lazy days.He was.redundant for 3 months last year and didn't get round to much.I even found him several leads to jobs.
I don't understand doing very little for 10 weeks.I work 12 hour days in a hot kitchen so I guess I have

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whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 21:23:07

Breathless what does your dh do at home?

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HollowTalk Tue 02-Jun-20 21:26:37

Are you much younger than him?

TorkTorkBam Tue 02-Jun-20 21:28:07

I don't understand how people feel physical attraction for a manchild.

My clit would retract into my body.

marmalade86 Tue 02-Jun-20 21:33:55

This must be very frustrating OP and as you say drained. This is sad to hear since you otherwise sound very driven and self motivated - it must very annoying indeed if your energy is being sapped in this way. Did you ask him why he feels so demotivated or do you have a sense of why this is the case?

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 21:44:49

I am 7 years younger.I am always looking for the next chore or keeping an eye on local jobs and goings on in my industry.Someone suggested he is jealous of me.I have persuaded him to walk everywhere and lose a few pounds.He didn't find the motivation after his HA years ago.
Weirdly I am a morning person.I know not everyone is.!

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whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 21:47:33

He doesn't always brush his teeth at night or shave.He isn't depressed he is on antidepressant s already.
He thinks I am too picky.

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SuperMedium Tue 02-Jun-20 21:51:54

You sound exhausting to be honest.

He absolutely needs to find employment if his job will really be gone after furlough, but why on earth does he have to paint and do chores you constantly look for?

SuperMedium Tue 02-Jun-20 21:53:35

Obviously he should do housework - that's not what I mean - I mean you sound proud of creating busywork.

If he's on antidepressants that means he probably is depressed, not that he isn't! They aren't magic and the dose might no longer be right for him.

marmalade86 Tue 02-Jun-20 22:06:51

A lack of motivation is a big symptom of depression which he most likely is suffering from if he is actively taking antidepressants. It is often so hard to do even most trivial of activities when in a depressed state. Do you know if he believe himself to be depressed?

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 22:14:09

He takes antidepressants for a shoulder injury.Mention golf he is up and out.I normally work all weekend so can't do the glossing.Now is the time.
We have taps that have dropped for three months so I will have to call someone out now it is allowed.
I can understand depression as I struggle in the winter.I don't understand not getting things done though while we have time though.

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marmalade86 Tue 02-Jun-20 22:30:46

Oh well perhaps it is not depression related then. I wonder how you are communicating with him too. Do you think you are being "pushy"? Does this sounds accurate/fair?, do you think that is how he would describe the interaction? If so, it is almost impossible to motivate people this way. If you are communicating in a way that seems demanding to him, he might feel even less inclined to do the things you are asking him to do! Do you know what his thoughts and feelings are about this issue?

SuperMedium Tue 02-Jun-20 22:31:47

If you work all weekend and he's furloughed he should pull his weight by doing most of the tasks which actually need doing (vacuuming, cleaning bathroom and kitchen, shopping and cooking, laundry), and he should be job hunting online, updating his CV etc but he isn't obligated to join in with tasks you invent or decide "now is the time" for.

If he's depressed keeping up with housework and job hunting is more than enough. If he's on antidepressants for chronic pain he clearly has chronic pain! The side effects of antidepressants commonly include tiredness and trouble sleeping.

You sound mismatched, though presumably you've managed til now.

Sharing necessary tasks is important but not everyone has the same definition of necessary, and perhaps now isn't the time for glossing in his opinion.

Being constantly busy isn't a virtue in itself, especially if you're buying paint and DIY materials to create work that didn't need doing. It's equally important to be able to watch the world go by without being compelled to cut down, dig up, drill into, remodel or repaint it.

The DIY and constant home improvement is your hobby, but he doesn't have to join in unless something is actually broken which he has the skills to fix, any more than you have to play golf just because he sees it as a worthwhile use of time.

BabyBrainJane Tue 02-Jun-20 22:41:15

Yes I would find living with you controlling and stifling personally. Sorry 💐

Thehop Tue 02-Jun-20 22:45:24

I couldn’t live with someone that wanted me to plan for each day and be doing something all the time.

I also couldn’t respect a man that did nothing.

There’s a happy medium.

You want him to do more but maybe you could relax a bit?

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Jun-20 22:48:36

I don't mind.Don't apologise.I am furloughed at the moment.My lockdown day is chores and or DIY then afternoon chilling then tea and a two mile walk.
I do work in a fast paced environment though and have had to slow up.I am not DIY crazy.Don't think the ceilings have barely been done in over 30 years.
Perhaps seeing my df just crack on that is what I expect to do and my dh too.

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backseatcookers Tue 02-Jun-20 23:00:05

It's not always a case of right or wrong / goodie and baddie.

You just sound incompatible.

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