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If he's ill and can be out and about, he can help me? AIBU

(26 Posts)
TheGoldenNugget Tue 02-Jun-20 06:47:30

DH and I took a break last year but got back together. He’s been ill for the past week and half, he says he had a takeaway the day before getting ill and it’s probably food poisoning. For the first 3-4 days he’s had diarrhoea, stomach pains etc. Then he started staying up til 4-5am in the morning playing PS4, walking around the house, going to the shops. He went even out last Sunday to see a friend. When I ask him for help around the house, he suddenly got stomach cramps and gas. I’m currently painting DCs bedroom and I asked him if he could put the second coat on and help me put together a wardrobe but nope, he had stomach cramps and gas and wished I could ‘get off his back’ and he wished ‘ I could feel his stomach cramps and the need to go toilet’.

I feel so frustrated, I feel like the old feelings of resentments are starting to come back again. I feel like he can’t be that ill if he’s out and about like that? AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
pandarific Tue 02-Jun-20 06:51:34

Why did you split up in the first place? His laziness?

Curiosity101 Tue 02-Jun-20 06:58:48

I feel like if he was someone who regularly pulled his weight and worked with you as a team then you probably wouldn't need to ask this question. Because either he would be helping you as he is able to or you would accept at face value that he's up to the tasks he's doing but not to the ones you're asking him to do.

My gut feeling is that he is perfectly capable and that YANBU but you can't say how ill he is/isn't feeling and I think it is unreasonable for anyone to say what someone is/isn't capable of when they say they're unwell.

I would be having a think about whether your DH is a positive addition to your life in the long term though.

shinybells Tue 02-Jun-20 07:02:05

That's awful. My DH would never expect me to do major house stuff with out his help....and certainly he'd do the heavier work. Your husband is showing no respect. Would he like his daughter to be treated like this by her partner???
Get shot of him, lots of decent guys out there.

AlwaysCheddar Tue 02-Jun-20 07:05:04

True colours emerging.... pack his case for him.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 02-Jun-20 07:08:20

He is definitely taking the piss.

SimpleKindofLife Tue 02-Jun-20 07:09:22

A gentle to the shops versus building a wardrobe and painting a room are slightly different things to be fair! I wouldn't want to be doing those things with stomach cramps and diarrhoea.

Is he helping with other, less physical household tasks? If not, talk to him about it.

Cambionome Tue 02-Jun-20 07:15:49

My DH would never expect me to do major house stuff without his help

Why? Are you not a fully functioning adult?

SteelyPanther Tue 02-Jun-20 07:16:03

Do you love him ?
People rarely change so perhaps the things that made you split before are still there.

HugeAckmansWife Tue 02-Jun-20 07:17:46

shinybells not to derail but I'm a single parent. I've painted every room in my house, built and moved furniture, sanded floors, drilled holes for shelves. I'm short and not unusually string or anything. It's not impossible for poor little weak women to manage without help. I have no idea if the OPs husband is shirking or genuinely struggling but there's no reason to assume he 'ought' to help just because it's DIY. Sorry, as you were. OP, as pp said, if he has form for ducking out of chores, being lazy and unhelpful then I think you have your answer. Painting especially isn't strenuous, a 2nd coat particularly is not tricky or time consuming. If he's up and about I would have thought he could do that unless he dimly can't be arsed.

HugeAckmansWife Tue 02-Jun-20 07:18:32

Strong not string!!

TheGoldenNugget Tue 02-Jun-20 07:18:50

@pandarific yes we split up because of his laziness, and the constant arguments just wore me out.

OP’s posts: |
slipperywhensparticus Tue 02-Jun-20 07:22:58

If I had stomach cramps and diarrhoea I wouldn't want to leave the house to go to the shops

Order some pepto bismol you can Amazon prime it I believe tell him to take it if he is so ill (its fucking vile but works)

While he is out go onto his play station see if it has any settings to limit playtime set it to shut down at a certain time....I mean if he is going to act like an entitled fucking teenager I would bloody treat him like one

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 02-Jun-20 07:26:41


That's awful. My DH would never expect me to do major house stuff with out his help....and certainly he'd do the heavier work. Your husband is showing no respect. Would he like his daughter to be treated like this by her partner???
Get shot of him, lots of decent guys out there.

My husband would never let me do major jobs without help. Not because I’m a woman but because he’s a decent human being. Where I can, I always help him. Can’t do everything at the minute because I’m pregnant so can’t lift anything heavy but I normally would.

HugeAckmansWife Tue 02-Jun-20 07:31:56

If that was the key issue in you splitting then yes, I'd be pissed off that he is taking the chance that he's now 'safe' back home he doesn't have to try. 5 days is a long time to be completely incapacitated by a bad take away.

PurpleTalkingTrees Tue 02-Jun-20 07:41:34

You’re not being unreasonable to feel pissed off with him because it sounds like he’s only sick if it suits him. But why get back with him if you split earlier because he was a lazy slackarse? That’s the bit where you are unreasonable, you know he’s like that. He won’t change so either put up with it or get rid ... I’d go for get rid. flowers

Justathinslice Tue 02-Jun-20 08:01:17

Those saying that the OP is able to do these tasks are missing the point....
Surely big projects should be done by both. And yes, if someone can visit friends, play PS4 and go to the shops, then they can help.

Eckhart Tue 02-Jun-20 08:14:22

Stop doing stuff until he's better, or accept the situation and carry on alone, as you are perfectly capable of doing.

But if you split before because he was lazy, reconsider the relationship. Food poisoning isn't debilitating for this long.

BumpBundle Tue 02-Jun-20 08:20:11

Just thinking back to when I was sick with hyperemesis, if my partner had asked me to smell paint then I'd probably have kicked off a bit too. Not to mention, yes it kept me up at night, yes going out for fresh air helped, yes walking around instead of staying still helped. These all sound like things that would happen if you're genuinely unwell.

Janedoughnut Tue 02-Jun-20 08:25:03

I wouldn't necessarily expect him to help with DIY but would expect him to do stuff in the house (cleaning, washing, tidying) while I was doing the DIY.

Nitpickpicnic Tue 02-Jun-20 08:48:10

A week off life for food poisoning? Pull the other leg, it’s got bells on.

Not even when I had bad cryptosporidium (tropical tummy bug) did I need a full week, and I certainly couldn’t risk a trip outside the house away from the loo when I had symptoms.

Best he have a strict diet of mashed bananas, unseasoned rice, applesauce and gallons of water and stay in bed without wifi distractions until he is better. No need to infect everyone else in the household or in town, since he’s so poorly.

Ultimatum time, and I wouldn’t care how ‘controlling’ I looked either. Invalid life, or adult man life. Not cherry picking both like a friggin maharajah.

BumpBundle Tue 02-Jun-20 09:43:57

People on here saying a week for food poisoning is a long time clearly have no medical training at all...

SoupDragon Tue 02-Jun-20 09:47:43


People on here saying a week for food poisoning is a long time clearly have no medical training at all...

Yes, but presumably food poisoning that only has symptoms when the person is asked to do something is pretty rare.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 02-Jun-20 10:34:46

If I was so suddenly overcome with gas and the need to go to the toilet, I would not want to be going out with my friends. I’d want to be at home where there is access to a toilet.

Flittingabout Tue 02-Jun-20 10:37:52

I was hospitalised for food poisoning complications so it can get really bad!

I think there is a major difference between a local stroll and DIY. However, I agree if you were in a supportive equal partnership you wouldn't have all this resentment coming to the fore right now so I think the context is key.

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