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Shy or just rude(29 Posts)
Apologies in advance, long story.
Not sure if I am being unreasonable or it's the fact I'm hormonal at the moment (7 months pregnant).
Anyway MIL makes an effort with me all the time, obviously not seen her prior to lockdown but before that she wanted to hang out, we would always what's app etc. But the rest of my DP family make no effort to interact with me whatsoever, his FIL makes no effort to talk to me and never congratulated me or DP on pregnancy and whenever we would visit, he would just sit their on his computer and not acknowledge us at all. SIL is 14, it's clear she has crippling social anxiety but she will not speak to me and never even say hi to me but will to DP, her mother tries to blame it on her anxiety which I get because I too suffer from anxiety but I would always at least say hi so I don't come across as rude. Or when it's Christmas and birthdays because she's at an awkward age I give her £20 or so in a card so she can pick her own gift but someone will pass on the message of her appreciation as apparently she is too shy to tell me herself, even though she's okay to take my money lol. Also she had no problem making friends at school etc although prior to lockdown she had time off due to social anxiety as it's gotten progressively worse. BIL is 11 and he is very much introverted too but he will speak to me occasionally. Anyway the other day since announcement and with us being furloughed from work we thought it would be nice for us to go on a picnic on a park as it's outside, can social distance but can still catch up. Anyway MIL was up for it and the rest of them refused. The reason being that's FIL doesn't feel comfortable being around me as pregnant and feels too much of a risk but not sure why he's pretending to care as never asks how I am etc, am I wrong in thinking that they just don't want to spend time with me. I can appreciate if me and DP had been together a short period of time and they didn't feel comfortable but it's been almost 5 years that I've been with him so surely by now I should at least get an hello?! What's it gonna be like when I give birth end of August are they gonna coo over the baby but completely blank me?! DP has tried talking to his mum and then but all she does is make excuses and they assure me they like me. Funny way of showing it, I feel so left out and can't deal with this anymore
They are 11 and 14, give them a break. Maybe they are just shy and can come across as standoffish. Rather than just sweeping it under the carpet mil needs to get a referral for counselling etc. to help them both as that level of anxiety will hinder their futures! I would expect after knowing you for 5 years for your oh's sister to at least be able to say hello.
I am shy and socially awkward, not very good at small talk and this can come across as being snobby. I am really not but feel more at ease one on one. Maybe you could try to spend more time with your partners sister after the baby arrives and social distancing is no longer a thing. It might help her open up to you and allow you to have a closer bond. At 11 and 14 they are still just kids remember. I think you are being over sensitive.
Re your fil if he doesn't want to be around you because you are pregnant and he is concerned about covid-19 then it does show he cares for you. It sounds like they are a family of people who are not able to articulate their feelings very well and you are the opposite.
I think 14 year old should be able to say thankyou and no can,t say she is too shy. She could have thanked you on a one to one level. She could have written a thankyou note. REfusing the picnic, maybe because they are worried about CV but again it comes across as rude and not letting you be part of the family.
I always take their feelings into consideration I would never make them feel guilty about it as I know they're just kids. But to not even give me eye contact or say hello has gotten to me a bit but thank you for your advice.
After 5 years not saying hello is not being shy is it.
Don't take it personal from younger siblings. I didn't really bother with my brother's now wife as a teen, 25 years later we are good.
MIL is probably desperate to have company with silent father and the DC. My own DF rarely speaks unless he has something to say no chit chat.
To answer I'd say rude more than shy.
I'd leave it up to them to come and visit, I think you're making way too much effort and expecting it back. FIL sounds rude and the other two are teenagers.
My opinion is it’s rude, but deliberate or otherwise can’t you just see less of them, and do by give the girl any money if she’s too rude to acknowledge it.
It may well be rude, exacerbated by anxiety, but they are 14 and 11 so not uncommon ime. Try not to take it personally. They will also ignore other family members, parents of friends and their teachers.
When I was 14, I wanted to be invisible. Socially, I was lost. Many years later, despite a good marriage and career i was diagnosed with Aspergers. I’m not suggesting that your SIL is anything other than shy but you’ll need to give her a break. And some gentle encouragement 😊
They are just kids so I don’t think you should take it personally. I have suffered from anxiety since my teens and when it’s bad, saying anything to anyone feels really stressful. No-one is at their best right now either. Over time it may gradually improve, especially if they are around the baby a fair bit. Having the central focus on the baby rather than on the conversation between you all may help
The kids are just kids and the dad is clearly just plain antisocial. It isn’t you. It is him. There’s nothing to be gained from trying to force it. Just let it go.
Tbh it sounds like they have learned their behaviour from their DF.
Your MIL will be making excuses as the woman's embarrassed about their rude behaviour.
Give the kids time. My DD (13) is shy: when we meet with any of my family she is always quiet for an hour or so, and then she gradually warms up, forgets her shyness and joins in. The baby may help them interact with you more - if they show an interest, don't take it as "they like the baby and not me", but use it as an opportunity to interact with them a bit more and draw them out. You're the grown-up! It will be easier for them to interact with the baby, because the baby isn't expecting anything of them.
Possibly FiL is where they get their awkwardness from. He probably gets all the news from his wife, and assumes that her congratulations will be taken as being from them both.
I can understand that some people don't want to encourage too much meeting up: they may have said that people can start to go out more, but there's not much evidence that it's any safer now than a few weeks ago.
The sil makes friends at school etc.
Speaking as someone who lives with anxiety I think she could buster a 'thanks' to OP.
Crikey sil and bil are kids - get over yourself.
They are children. Give them a break. Most teenagers are shy and awkward! I would just carry on as normal.
My DC are similar ages. BOth are incredibly shy but would know its manners to make eye contact,(DS would need prompting with eye contact!) say hello and say thank you for a gift (even if they are otherwise mute) I think I would make them at least send a personal whatsapp to say thank you or write a note, if they were too shy to actually say it.
Much appreciate they are kids hence why I haven't really kicked up a fuss over it and I'm more emotional than normal due to hormones so that's why it's getting to me more. I was a teenager once too not that long ago as I'm 20 and also have suffered from anxiety so know exactly what sil is going through but in my opinion I always would say hi even if it was draining or give a smile and show manners to show that I wasn't rude, I would never make her feel bad about it as I know that will only make her not associate with me more and that isn't in my nature. Perhaps you're right though maybe I do need to get over myself.
It's not on, but 14 is such an awkward age and I do know teenage girls who would act like this due to shyness. Also his DF may just not have much to say to you, you are very different people after all.
I wouldn't be giving rude, spoilt brats like these another penny. Shy my arse! In a couple of years the 14yo may need to attend job or college interviews and I bet she won't blank the interviewers.
Surely its extremely rude to blank OP for 5 years? Wtf
If that’s the way the dad behaves, he’s not exactly setting a good example.
I’m 8 months pregnant and everything and everyone is rubbing me up the wrong way right now. I just wouldn’t waste your time worrying about it.
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