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Parents paying for our holidays..

(12 Posts)
BettyOBarley Mon 01-Jun-20 10:55:04

My mum keep booking us 'surprise' holidays. What a terrible problem I know.

A few years ago they paid for us all to go to America which obviously was very generous . Since then they’ve booked us 3 UK holidays on consecutive years (last year went a step further and they had booked for themselves to come too – in the same caravan – yes it was as hideous as it sounds). No consultation or anything just presented as all booked and a done deal.
This year a surprise week booked for (us 4 only) on dates that DH couldn’t even do and there was a bit of stress trying to change dates/his leave.

Chatting to my mum last night and just mentioned I’d been looking at hols for 2021 making it clear I meant us 4 and she replied saying “we’ll be there, don’t book anything that’s all I’m saying wink wink..”. Argghh I don’t want to come across as ungrateful but aibu to say please stop! I’m 40, I want to book my own chuffing holiday! We can only afford one hol a year so whatever they book is our only break. It just feels a bit controlling but I know my mum does it from a good place, she knows we don't have a lot of spare money - she’s just a bit lacking in self awareness and thinks she’s doing a good thing.
I also really don’t fancy another holiday with them if that’s what she’s thinking, DH is a real introvert and found it very hard last year as did I, trying to make sure everyone is happy, they were offended when I suggested having even a few hours doing our own thing and my mum is crap with the kids, has no patience with them and spent the week sighing and asking when was it time for them to go to bed!!

Aibu in finding this too much? do I go with it as they won't be around forever or if not how do I broach it without sounding like an ungrateful cow?

OP’s posts: |
Myneighboursnorlax Mon 01-Jun-20 11:05:54

Just tell her kindly, but firmly: “mum we really really appreciate the surprise holidays you’ve booked us in the past, and we always have a lovely time! It was great having you join us last year too, but as we only get one holiday a year, this time we were hoping for just the four of us to get away together. And even though you’re brilliant at choosing locations, we’ve actually got our heart set on (insert location) this time. We’d really hate to think of you spending your money on another generous surprise for us, because this year we’ve got a really specific plan so it would actually make more sense for us to book it ourselves.”

MsChatterbox Mon 01-Jun-20 11:07:51

Neighbours message is perfect!

chocolatesaltyballs22 Mon 01-Jun-20 11:12:26

Yep agree with the first response - you have to be straight with her or you will be in this cycle for years and years.

chipsandpeas Mon 01-Jun-20 11:20:28

i think you need to tell her now before she goes aheads and books something for next year soon

Poptart4 Mon 01-Jun-20 11:33:07

Unfortunately shes going to be offended no matter how kind you try to be about this BUT you have to tell her to stop.

1 holiday a year and you never get to choose for yourself is ridiculous.

Depending on how old your mom is, she could be going this for the next 20 years. Just be straight with her.

CocoR Mon 01-Jun-20 11:37:34

Book your own holiday and tell her you've booked it.

Therefore if she books a holiday for you it will have to be cancelled.

JudyCoolibar Mon 01-Jun-20 11:48:25

I'm amazed you didn't have this conversation with her last year. Surely on any basis it's insane to book a holiday for someone else without even checking whether they're available? I'm afraid she probably will be offended, but there's not much you can do about that beyond trying to be as tactful as possible with lots of expressions of appreciation for their kindness etc.

GetOffTheTableMabel Mon 01-Jun-20 11:50:02

I think, as she’s just made her point, you need to make yours now, or you risk losing any moral high ground. She will probably be a bit hurt whenever you tackle this but, if you don’t do it immediately, she will be able to say that you knew about her intentions and have wasted her money.
Your point is completely reasonable. Don’t enable her by prevaricating. She needs to understand that sometimes you might take a holiday with them but sometimes you will want to be alone and you will ALWAYS want to be involved in the decision making.
What would she expect you to do if your DH could not get time off work after she booked something? Would she expect you and your DC to go without him? Can she not see that she is being disrespectful to you and to him and his job with her assumptions?

UnfinishedSymphon Mon 01-Jun-20 11:57:13

Just tell her you've already booked your holiday and if she's booked anything she'll have to cancel

Magicbabywaves Mon 01-Jun-20 11:57:20

That message is great, but maybe don’t say where you’re going incase she offers to come with you.

raspberryk Mon 01-Jun-20 12:14:01

Maybe ask if she wants to book a weekend break or even just take the kids away but that you and dh need some time together.

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