I’m going to try to not drip feed.
My partner and I moved in together after less than a year together. We are in our thirties. He had been staying with me 6 days a week for two months before that. It felt right for the both of us, this was before lockdown etc. It worked well for us, we got weekends on our own when DS went to stay at his dads, we did stuff together on other weekends with DS and the dogs. Everything was fine. I’m pretty sure we had already exited some form of honeymoon stage by this point.
For background, DP has lived alone most of his adult life, has lived with a girlfriend for maybe a year. The rest of the time he’s owned his own house in a few different places. He bought a house early last year in a village that we both love. The house isn’t suitable for...a child, two dogs and two cats because there isn’t a garden and there also isn’t a spare room for DP to retreat to be alone. For this reason, he moved In with me for a weeks trial, he never left. We rented his house out so that he could contribute towards living with me. I live on the edge of a city, two minute drive from the countryside but it isn’t the same as his village at all. Here, he has access to a summerhouse where he can work out, his PC is in the spare room although it’s occupied by the cats at the moment. So he doesn’t really have that room at the moment. He is a key worker (NHS) so I’ve been doing all the housework, homeschooling my son and also working full time from home. I’m very aware that working for the NHS is a TOTAL nightmare so I’ve tried to make things easier for him so he doesn’t have to worry about laundry and lunch etc.
However, lockdown happened maybe two months after he had moved in. For those two months we were managing absolutely fine, he got alone time when he finished work as DS and me were still out for another two hours. This suits him because he likes to be on his own.
Three weeks ago he informed me that if he had a choice he would move back to his house. And it has come up every few days since. He’s just not coping. He still loves me but given the current situation with his work, such as not his usual shifts and working with people he isn’t used to, he is miserable. He can’t withdraw when he’s in a house with 4 animals and a child that never leaves and just wants to talk all the time (understandably, the kids bored). This has escalated into him wanting to move back to his house that he misses, he hates someone living there and he hates living here. He spends an afternoon in the summerhouse, barely acknowledging me because he needs that time to himself. He won’t answer if it’s this house or living with us. I don’t think he knows, he’s just really attached to his house, my house isn’t his home. I get upset but I hide it from him, mainly because I think my emotional reaction isn’t fair given that he’s under a lot of pressure. I don’t think me being upset helps.
I am putting this down to lockdown cabin fever and being as understanding as I can. I’m not shouting at him, but I can’t help but get upset. When the tenancy ends and he could gain possession over his house, if he still wants to move back there on his own I have said I would understand but can’t promise I won’t be heartbroken. I was honest with him and said that I feel like him moving out would be a step backwards, I love living with him, he is my best friend. If he wants to leave, I need to protect myself and my child and I’m not sure that staying in the relationship would be good for us. We deserve someone who will stick with us when times get tough? I love him so much, but I love my child more than anything. How would he understand someone leaving? DP suggestion is, he moves out but it’s okay he will still be here 6 days week so not much will have changed. I just don’t understand that concept, move out, we both operate different households but he will still be here? That doesn’t make financial sense BUT it clearly makes emotional sense to him. I don’t see how we could move forward from there because if he loves his house that much, he won’t be willing to give it up for us to move somewhere together that he is happy with. He’s all over the place and I’m trying my hardest to leave him be because I can’t comprehend the stress he’s going through. But he is stuck here for 5 months at least because he can’t move into his house with his tenant. Am I being unreasonable to think if he does want to move out in 5 months that my heart will break? I don’t want to emotionally manipulate him, it’s hard to balance my needs/wants with what could keep him sane. Maybe we are just not compatible and I should let him go.
He has said, moving out doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t understand why I would be upset by him leaving when it would be the best thing for the both of us. I disagree, it might be the rent thing for him but not for me.
Am I being unreasonable, help me see it better from his perspective please.
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...to think moving out is not how to move forward?
6 replies
EmotionalHangover · 01/06/2020 10:40
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
5 votes. Final results.
POLL
You are being unreasonable
20%
You are NOT being unreasonable
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