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To not want to have to skirt around my own baby's sex?!

(107 Posts)
022828MAN Mon 01-Jun-20 07:46:40

DH and I found out the sex of our baby 4 weeks ago. We hadn't really spoken to MIL or FIL since, but yesterday MIL popped round and had a catch up in our garden. She asked how the 20 week scan went and just as I was about to say yes all is looking well and the sonographer said he looked healthy, she said 'oh I don't want to know the sex though'. So I then spent the next 20 mins talking about 'it or them' when DH and I (and me and my friends and my DM) have been referring to him as he.
When she left to dh I said if I see her again I'm not going to go out of my way to not say he as it just felt weird and like I am being made to jump through hoops for something I don't really see is her decision to make really.
WIBU to just say the next time she or FIL asks 'yes he's been kicking lots...' or something similar?
Fully prepared to be told I'm BU but MIL has form for controlling behaviour and I just feel like this is another way of making me feel uncomfortable just talking about something naturally which actually has nothing to do with her?

OP’s posts: |
TitianaTitsling Mon 01-Jun-20 07:48:02

Of course YANBU! Just say he or him next time!

Keeva2017 Mon 01-Jun-20 07:48:27

Totally with you on this one. She’s being ridiculous and making it about her. Hope your dh agreed.

PicsInRed Mon 01-Jun-20 07:49:21

She'll have to know or you won't see her. Her choice to make.

YeahWhatevver Mon 01-Jun-20 07:50:37

Just keep using he/him/his.

PrincessPain Mon 01-Jun-20 07:51:23

Same thing happened here.
DH just said "tough, it's a boy" I was refusing to watch myself round others when really it's not really their news and doesn't affect them at all.

PurBal Mon 01-Jun-20 07:51:29

YANBU. I find this so weird. Talk about HIM! My mum would hate to be the last to know.

022828MAN Mon 01-Jun-20 07:52:51

Phewff thank god for that. Damn these pregnancy hormones making me second guess myself. I'd never be this sensitive otherwise.
When I was pregnant with DD and we found out the sex we were all out for a meal including my DM, and when we said we'd found out the sex MIL and FIL went all weird about that too, it was only when my DM said oooh yes I want to know that they said oh okay we'll know too.
So strange...

OP’s posts: |
Boulshired Mon 01-Jun-20 07:52:57

Just tell her once you know you can’t not know. You cannot police you language until the baby is born as it will slip out.

CuteOrangeElephant Mon 01-Jun-20 07:53:11

My FIL tried this.

MIL then let the cat out of the bag by coming home with a lot of pink baby clothes grin

Goldencurtain Mon 01-Jun-20 07:53:32

Depends if you like her or not. If my mil said that to me and it was important to her because she wanted a fun surprise, well then I would enjoy being able to do a surprise that would make her happy. Don't see why it has to be such an adversarial thing.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 01-Jun-20 07:53:57

If you liked her, it wouldn’t be difficult to indulge her desire for a surprise.

Jeezoh Mon 01-Jun-20 07:54:17

Next time, I’d refer to him as he with a “whoops” straight away so MIL definitely doesn’t miss it

Blackbear19 Mon 01-Jun-20 07:56:20

YANBU. My very first scan the sonographer said "I don't like calling them it, so I call all babies he, don't read anything into it"
My bump was a he from then on. Family assumed I knew but I didn't.

022828MAN Mon 01-Jun-20 07:56:22

It's not really about liking her or not. We do get on although she does have controlling behaviours. It's more that it doesn't come naturally to say they/them when I know the sex, and I kept having to stop myself. It just made me feel uncomfortable when talking about my own body.

OP’s posts: |
UserFriendly14 Mon 01-Jun-20 07:56:27

YANBU. I had this with DF with my first and wow was it frustrating keeping it up the whole pregnancy. I accidentally let slip on more than one occasion but, bless him, I’m not sure he was aware. Now pregnant with DC2 and I called him up and told him straight away before he had a chance to say he didn’t want to know again!

Definitely “accidentally” slip he in where you can. It’s actually quite easy to do wink

lottiegarbanzo Mon 01-Jun-20 08:05:35

Usually the other way around - parents wanting to keep it quiet and their parents pestering!

Can't you indulge her by not mentioning the sex in front of her? Depends how often you see her I suppose.

She's not tyringto prevent you from telling anyone else, is she? That would the the crazy thing.

Spillinteas Mon 01-Jun-20 08:09:00

Oh Jesus this was my mil. When I knew she was coming round I left lots of pink baby gros out, she was really pissed off but I just laughed in her face. It is a weird feeling though isn’t it and very controlling.

No one one allowed to see or ask about my mils mother of the bride outfit till her big reveal on my wedding day. It was really bizarre and at one point I thought it was going to be a bridal dress but it was just a run of the mill green catalogue dress hmm

zscaler Mon 01-Jun-20 08:13:26

YANBU - it’s up to you and your husband whether or not you know and share the sex, she can’t impose differently on you just because it’s her preference. I would definitely ‘let it slip’ early next time you see her and get it over with.

NeuroAtypical Mon 01-Jun-20 08:15:24

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then do what comes naturally. There's a difference between you being careful with your words because you've decided to do so for yourself and you doing it because someone else is asking/making you (controlling or not) and it's uncomfortable... ..and it's about you not them. YANBU

You can just use the correct words and tell her it's just too uncomfortable to do otherwise. If she's decent, she'll understand. If not, tough, it's your life.

RoxytheRexy Mon 01-Jun-20 08:24:49

My MIL tried this. Just before we went to our scan she made a big show of putting her hands over her ears and screeching about not knowing.

We came back and announced it was a boy. I wasn’t dealing with that for 4 months

pictish Mon 01-Jun-20 08:24:57

I don’t think the sex of your baby is her surprise is it? This is something the parents get to set the tone of, not the grandparents. There’s no way you should spend the next three months indulging her and minding what you say to keep it a surprise. It’s not her baby. She’s being full of herself to insist on this.

pictish Mon 01-Jun-20 08:27:15

Good point - is she expecting you to keep it a secret from other people so she doesn’t hear it from them either?
That would be nuts.

JudyCoolibar Mon 01-Jun-20 08:29:06

If you liked her, it wouldn’t be difficult to indulge her desire for a surprise.

I don't understand this. Why is it more of a surprise after the birth than before?

LunaNorth Mon 01-Jun-20 08:29:27

My late dad did this, every time a baby was on the way in the family. It was almost a superstitious thing with him.

Most irritating not to be able to speak freely.

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