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Excluded from chats etc. To ask if anyone’s had similar?

(16 Posts)
Blossomtree157 Sun 31-May-20 23:23:01

First world problem I know. And I know I shouldn’t moan as things could be a lot worse but just feeling a bit hurt today. With the relaxation of the rules 3 friends I have posted a photo of themselves yesterday standing in the street having a distance chat. We are all in a WhatsApp group as we play the same sport as a hobby. There’s about 10 folk in a main WhatsApp group including guys but this was 3 of the girls who I thought I was good friends with. They didn’t contact me so must either have formed a separate WhatsApp chat or all have private messaged. I’m known for being friendly and inclusive so just feeling a bit hurt. One of them hasn’t invited me to an event back in normal times and another never responds to anything I post so I reckon it’s a combination of these 2 friends who have decided to exclude me We’ve all known each other approx 8 months but chat every day on the main chat. If there’s a new group that I’m excluded from I don’t want to sound desperate and ask to get added. I think I’ll just have to think to myself that I need to widen the net for new friends and make sure I keep in touch with old friends and also use the time to be more productive. As I say very first world problem but just wondered if anyone’s had something similar. Thanks

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LouiseTrees Sun 31-May-20 23:28:06

Reply to the post and say “looking good girls, missing you and (insert name of whatever sport)” . That way they know you would like to be there but it’s not like a passive aggressive where’s my invite type thing.

CyberNan Sun 31-May-20 23:28:07

the whole world has had the opportunity to realise that people they thought were friends, aren't real friends after all, they are just poeple that we spend time with

ive concluded that most of the people I used to spend time with are all a bit flakey… im a bit flakey myself...

its a good time to look at what you invest in people and decide whether that is a good investment

Blossomtree157 Sun 31-May-20 23:40:25

CyberNan- yes- when I’ve been hurt today I’ve been thinking how much time I’ve spent on that main chat with what I thought were good friends
I thought at least one of them would have said
“ will we invite x “ . It was even myself who made sure one was added to the main chat when it started. As I say, I don’t want to look desperate so if it becomes apparent that there is another chat group then I’m just going to think that if even the one who I thought was most decent isn’t making sure I’m included so that I’m not hurt, then I’ll just need to use the extra time productively and not push it. Have never had this problem before so I think it’s the other two I mention who have purposely excluded me.

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villageshop Sun 31-May-20 23:43:08

I think it's natural to be hurt by what you've described but you have come to exactly the right decision - to widen your circle of friends and keep in touch with old friends, and use any gaps in time to be more productive. A very grown-up approach, and the right one.

It sounds to me as if the two individuals who ignored you / didn't invite you in the past have, for reasons unknown, decided to leave you out of this group. That's fine, they can have their reasons but it is likely those reasons have nothing to do with you personally, and it says more about them. Maybe they feel threatened by you - are you better at the sport you all do? Are you more outgoing, friendly and popular? Are you more attractive? 8 months isn't long in terms of friendship, and often what felt like friendship is just a shared interest and when the reason is gone (can't get together to play sport) the weakness of the bond is revealed.

I agree don't ask to be added. In your position I would play it cool but I might mention I saw they'd met up - saying something how lovely to see each other, must have been great after all this time etc, as though it hadn't occurred to you to even have time to think about getting together, been so busy catching up with stuff etc..

Then play it cool from then on because you have so many other interests and people to catch up with so the general impression they get is you haven't even noticed you've been left out.

And yes, I've had similar happen to me - I think most people have at some time. Good luck.

Blossomtree157 Sun 31-May-20 23:50:18

village shop- thank you. Yes, I think this will be my approach. One of the two I mention is extremely confident and the other is very strong in her opinions of things but I wonder if deep down they have insecurities or something.
I guess now is when you find out who your real friends are. Other friends I have would never act like this and I don’t think it would do any good to my health to chase this up. We have a weekend chat with the bigger group by video at the moment but I think I may be better to play it cool and not ask if there’s another WhatsApp group even though I’m hurt as how decent can they be if they’re excluding me and I’d never do that to anyone.

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KelpHelper Sun 31-May-20 23:51:14

Honestly, after only eight months, part of which was spent in lockdown, I would have said you were still at the ‘mild acquaintance’ stage where it’s perfectly possible people are realising they’re more naturally drawn to some of the group rather than others.

Blossomtree157 Sun 31-May-20 23:54:57

KelpHelper- Sorry- I meant 8 months prior to lockdown but that’s included chat on the main group literally every day.

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krispcreme Sun 31-May-20 23:58:00

I agree that 8 months really isn't that long in terms of friendship, I would do as @LouiseTrees said. How long have the 3 of them known each other?

Ginandbitterlemonplease Sun 31-May-20 23:58:48

I get it. It’s bloody hurtful. I have a couple of friends like this, before lockdown if I fancied a drink etc I would invite them both down- I hate the thought of anyone being left out even though I’m closer (or thought I was) too the other one.
They have now both had little meet ups (social distance) with their kids, and even though I wouldn’t go, it would still be nice for me and my little boy to be acknowledged.

I was hurt and it played on my mind for a couple of days, but now I just think fuck it. If this lock down has taught me anything, it’s that we can manage on our own. Don’t let anyone make you feel shit and love the friends you do have xx

copperoliver Mon 01-Jun-20 00:07:03

Find new friends and only play sport with them if you wish to carry on with that if they invite you somewhere say no thank you you're busy.
Don't be social with them unless it's for the sport.
These are not friends x

Blossomtree157 Mon 01-Jun-20 00:07:17

krispcreme- the one who excluded me from an event was in the sports group before I was. The other 2 joined shortly after me. The one who doesn’t acknowledge anything I post on the chat does this even if I’m trying to help eg if she randomly posted something like “ where can I buy...” or whatever and I would always respond by being helpful. I began to realise after a while that she never answered anything I posted.
As you guys have said the lockdown period has made us realise who our friends are I guess.

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Blossomtree157 Mon 01-Jun-20 00:07:49

copperoliver- thanks x

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Blossomtree157 Mon 01-Jun-20 00:08:56

Ginandbitterlemonplease- thank you xx

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Mumtolittletorchers Mon 01-Jun-20 00:51:46

If it makes you feel any better I just found out the other night that my sister in law is in a family chat with my order halfs aunties for ages. And I have been going out with my partner longer than she had been going out with his brother. It sucks. People pick their favourites all the time. We just have to get over it and find people we love n love us back 💐

Blossomtree157 Mon 01-Jun-20 01:09:51

Mumtolittletorchers- thanks for your post. I kept thinking that they must be getting some sort of kick from leaving me out or something.
I just wouldn’t do that to anyone. Anyway, there are worse things..

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