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To have a third baby after a big gap?

(99 Posts)
Broodybananas Sun 31-May-20 19:56:49

I have 2 DC who are 11 and 8, would potentially be 9 and 12 by the time a third baby came along... I’m late thirties. Didn’t have great pregnancies and had a c-section for one birth and a difficult birth for the other. We could just about afford another baby but don’t currently have enough bedrooms for all to have their own rooms, car is too small etc...

It’s a mad, terrible idea isn’t it? Yet somehow I can’t stop thinking about it... has anyone else had this ‘before it’s too late’ brodiness ? Did you have another baby or get over the idea in time?

OP’s posts: |
BumpBundle Sun 31-May-20 20:08:28

I would question whether you want another child or just want a baby. If you genuinely want another child, another human being, then don't let the age gap be an issue. The age gap is a much lesser issue than the rooms, cars, potential financial issue and your health.

Broodybananas Sun 31-May-20 20:30:20

Thank you @BumpBundle - I think this is a very question and one I don’t really know the answer to. Another human being - another child - to go through it all with again - is what I’m taking about, I think. But I also don’t know if it’s just that feeling of ‘if not now, then never’... I’m curious to hear of how others deal with this sense, of knowing you will never have another child.

OP’s posts: |
MsTSwift Sun 31-May-20 20:31:54

You really want to go back to the baby stage now?! Each to their own I couldn’t think of anything worse

Spanglebangle Sun 31-May-20 20:32:25

Dc1 is 8 years older than dc2 and it's a lovely age gap. Dc1 love to help and cuddle dc2.

BakedBeeeen Sun 31-May-20 20:38:14

It’s your hormones talking! It must be sad to think of never having another baby. I really would not want to have another baby but if I started going through the menopause tomorrow then I think a part of me would be a little bit sad. But just not enough to go through all of that again!

RandomMess Sun 31-May-20 20:40:35

I'd say it's your hormones and them getting to last stages of primary...

raspberryk Sun 31-May-20 20:44:25

In a few short years you'll have your life back... If you have another baby you'll be mid to late fifties before you're child free.
30 years of child rearing from first being born to last turning 18 ... why would you do that to yourself when there's light at the end of the tunnel already?

EmeraldShamrock Sun 31-May-20 20:47:25

If your unsure dig deep. Personally I couldn't. The older two will be really independent soon they'll have little time for a you, but will need you in other ways, will you be lonely, teenager's bring their own problems can you manage both.
If you feel you've still lots of love and energy to give go for it, but beware of hormones.

sauvignonblancplz Sun 31-May-20 20:49:50

If you want a bigger family you should definitely do it , the regret would be too much for me.
If you think you just want to snuggle a new born don’t.

What happens is the older kids are very much still
Living their very busy lives and dad is away doing the running to clubs etc. Kids have school , homework need decent dinners etc, weekends are hectic.
It’s not like when you have a toddler and a baby, where if you’ve all been up early you can throw cheese on toast and a flapjack at them and everyone can go to bed early. Or if you’ve been up all night with a teething baby you can have a slower than normal day doing jigsaws with a movie on. Life continues to move at a rapid pace except you’ve a newborn thrown in.

If you want a bigger family, it’s worth it though. The dinner table is busy, the big kids are obsessed with their little sibling and you have an abundance on patience for the comical little toddler that you didn’t have when the first two were so close together .

BubblesBuddy Sun 31-May-20 20:52:23

Your two will be at secondary school before you know it! Then there will be far more time to yourself as they mature. Why fill that up with another child? They probably won’t think you for the crying at night, baby filled holidays, baby stuff in the car etc. Their lives will be totally altered by this. I simply would let it be.

Not everyone needs three children or even gives babies another thought when they have two already. You could take years to conceive too. Just leave it be because too many lives are affected now.

BubblesBuddy Sun 31-May-20 20:54:14

Never assume older children want a baby. They might really dislike the inconvenience.

sauvignonblancplz Sun 31-May-20 20:54:34

They probably won’t think you for the crying at night, baby filled holidays, baby stuff in the car etc. Their lives will be totally altered by this. I simply would let it be

I think that’s really nuts, my children are in love with their much smaller sibling, planning birthdays , thinking about how they make Santa real, playing etc . They think their sibling is the best thing ever to be created .

notheragain4 Sun 31-May-20 20:59:48

Late 30s and late Primary seems to be a common age for freaking out and wanting another from what I've seen, particularly hormonally.

What stops me (beyond knowing deep down it's not what I really want) is that it isn't in my children's best interests. They get more value out of the time DH and I are able to give them than what they'd get from an additional sibling, having to divide our time further between them and an additional child would be a direct loss to them. So I just couldn't do it to them.

Plus, lockdown...I am sooooooo glad I haven't got a baby or toddler during all this, it's certainly made me grateful that we are well shot of that phase!

I do like the idea of 3 adult children though, but not enough to make my eldest children make sacrifices for it.

kelly14 Sun 31-May-20 21:03:15

I have a 13 year gap between my 1st and 2nd children.

Had my 1st at 22, 2nd at 35 and 3rd at 36.

Have a 15yr old, 2 year old and 7 month old.
My daughter loves her brother the toddler to bits she is not a baby person though so will take more interest when her sister is bigger.
They have completed my life and am so
So grateful to have them.
All 3 were c sections, both toddler and baby have slept through since about a month old and are good babies. Baby hardly ever cries, toddler is a little cheeky thing but has amazing Personality.

I would probably have another if it wasn't for my age and the fact I really don't want to go through a 4th c section.
My husband is just waiting on date for vasectomy though, it got cancelled just as we went into lockdown.

Knowing the joy they bring me and all my family I would go for it.

ParkheadParadise Sun 31-May-20 21:06:17

I had dd2 at 38.
23 years after dd1🤣.
She was a surprise arrival, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5mths.

I definitely didn't plan to have anymore.
I felt like a first time mum again. Shes 4 now and one of the best things to happen to us.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Witsend101 Sun 31-May-20 21:09:30

We've got an 8 year age gap between eldest and youngest, so not quite the same gap as you'd have but youngest born when I was 37ish. I wouldn't be put off by the age gap if it's what you really want.

princesscallie Sun 31-May-20 21:09:52

I'm mid 30s here and have this same feeling for 2 weeks every months. Have been talking to my husband about it alot since lockdown started. We have 2 kids who are now almost 7 and 4. So would be almost 8 and 5 if we went again. I know its hormones talking though. We have space for another child and could afford it but would have to cut back our luxury spending.

Reasons I know why I dont want another include, I'm enjoying being able to have time for myself, go away for nights with just my hubby or friends, I feel so much better in myself as I have time for exercise, time to read, want to do more trips as a family,

Life is busy with 2 kids, after school activities and a full time job. We are finally in a place where we have little to no childcare costs so can start saving for college or other things they might need in the next few years.

I'd say it's a combination of hormones and your children growing up that's making you feel like that. Do you really want to go back to nappies, night feeds, buggies, having to plan for naps, sleepless nights, having to stop your older children doing things as its not suitable for the younger one? Also the 3rd child would have noone to play with it so could be more dependent on you to entertain it?! All things that you should consider. Best of luck with your decision.

BertieBotts Sun 31-May-20 21:15:29

I have a ten year gap between DS1 and DS2 and it's just fantastic. They will be 2/12 in the Autumn. I would say go for it. I am so so glad we did. DS1 loves DS2 and is lovely with him. Yes, he winds him up at times but he really hasn't resented him like people on MN always say! We don't let the baby get into the big one's room, so he isn't going through and trashing his stuff.

You have the confidence of knowing that it all comes out in the wash. You just don't stress the little baby things. It feels like such a privilege to be able to do it all over again.

Fluffyglitterystuff Sun 31-May-20 21:27:18

I'll give you my POV.

I have a big age gap between mine. I wouldn't recommend it. Having a baby after all those years hit me like a ton of bricks. It was ok when youngest was a baby as he just tagged along to all of eldest activities. As youngest has got older it's impossible to find things that they both can enjoy. Makes family days out a nightmare.

My youngest is the absolute light of my life , but as my eldest gets older I sometimes think how much work I've made for myself. I sort of think I've done my time with young children and should be winding down.

Having said that, I'd never regret it, I had no choice but to have a big gap. But I wouldn't do it that way through choice.

BertieBotts Sun 31-May-20 21:32:20

I actually think DS2 has made the lockdown easier for everyone. He's injected some well needed chaos and cuteness into our lives.

We frequently throw a cheese toastie and a flapjack kind of dinner at DS1 confused - not sure why this is acceptable for toddlers but not for preteens? In fact if we are completely frazzled from baby wrangling he is perfectly capable of making himself some pasta or frozen pizza or beans on toast.

You don't need to worry about getting the older one(s) not to do things the little one can't do, because the little one seems to see the big one as some kind of weird adult-child hybrid and is perfectly able to accept that they do things that he can't do yet. Also the older one is old enough to go off and do whatever it is they want to do on their own without the little one tagging along.

You notice how all the people pointing out the negatives are the ones who haven't done it?

Okay okay, to be fair, I will try to think of some negatives....

When it gets to the end of the day when DS1 starts to get chatty, I am generally exhausted and can't give him the attention he wants. Maybe if I didn't have a breastfeeding toddler all night who wants to get up at the crack of dawn, this would not be such an issue, but I can't say for sure. I can't remember if this was also an issue before the pregnancy because that feels now so long ago now. DS1 can be quite draining as he has ADHD.

Childcare bills - yes unfortunately that one is a negative. But surely predictable and you can do your own sums about whether or not you can afford it (just check whether prices have increased!)

It's sometimes a bit weird when advice/popular products have changed and you are out of step with everyone else because you want to do it the way you did it with your older ones. On the other hand it does at least come back to the point of having the confidence of an old timer - you have the balance of the newer info from newer guidance/new products etc and the knowledge that your older ones turned out fine even though they didn't have this or that new thing, so you do feel like you can make a genuinely right choice rather than being swept up in the latest trend.

BertieBotts Sun 31-May-20 21:33:25

Xposted - maybe I am still in the honeymoon phase blush

Starcup Sun 31-May-20 21:34:43

Same boat as you OP so watching this thread x

Samtsirch Sun 31-May-20 21:44:31

How old are you OP?
I ask because so many of my friends ( and me) had a last minute hormonal panic in our early forties or pre menopause, thinking this was our last chance to have a child so we mustn’t waste it.Most of us resisted and are so thankful now.
It’s tricky accepting the next stage in life, that you won’t have any more babies, but just enjoy the children you do have, without the financial, physical and emotional stress of an additional one.
If you are much younger then sorry for wittering on😐

Fluffyglitterystuff Sun 31-May-20 21:46:47

Bertiebotts smile

If your little one is 2 1/2 you're probably past the honeymoon phase. I feel bad for being negative now! But was just trying to be honest.

It probably does very much depend on the dcs temperaments too, as well as your own feelings and energy levels.

My eldest has needed me a lot more and youngest is very high needs/highly strung.

I've actually really, really enjoyed ds2, but there are times I just want to do something more grown up with ds1 and can't. So I just want to play tennis with eldest but instead I'm having to push youngest n the swings.

You can of course fit it all in but it's hard and often means doing things separately.

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