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Am I being unfair?

(29 Posts)
BigDays Sun 31-May-20 11:04:08

DH is a workaholic, owns his own business. He works 6 days a week and does long days. He works really hard and I am proud of him.

But recently I'm getting sick of him never making any time for the rest of us. The only day we really have him here is a Sunday and he spends it in bed until midday, then never wants to do anything, just sit at chill out.

I understand that he's tired. But I'm started to get really fed up with it. The kids want to go out with him, I want to spend some actual quality time with him.

If we suggest going on a walk he'll complain 5 minutes in that he's too tired, wants to go back and watch TV.

AIBU to say he needs to start making more effort on his day off to do things with us? He often complains that it's his only day off but I'm getting to the point where I just think well who's fault is that? I want to say if he's too tired to make any sort of effort to get up and out with his family on his day off then he'll need to start taking the Saturday too.

Frankly I'm fucking bored of never doing anything together. He says we'll do things like go on a bike ride with the kids or a walk on a Sunday and then it never happens because he's too tired.

I'm sympathetic to an extent but he is definitely addicted to work and chooses to work so much rather than it being a necessity I believe.

OP’s posts: |
randomchap Sun 31-May-20 11:19:33

How would it affect the family finances if he was to work less and have more time for family? Is it affordable?

Stompythedinosaur Sun 31-May-20 11:41:46

If he needs to work that much to support the family then I would think he gets to rest on his day off.

If at all possible he needs to work less, so he isn't just opting out if family life.

Thehop Sun 31-May-20 11:43:26

Can the family afford for him to reduce his hours?

BigDays Sun 31-May-20 12:48:09

Yes it's not a problem from a financial POV. He is addicted to work though so I imagine he'd probably be more stressed to begin with, not going in as much.

I just feel like the kids (and I) never get to actually spend any proper time with him. And he promises things like bike rides etc and then never does them. And then if anyone points that out it's all 'you don't understand how tired I am though etc etc'.

I just think something has to give, and it shouldn't be his family having to give up the one day a week they actually spend some time with him.

OP’s posts: |
BigDays Sun 31-May-20 12:50:33

I don't want his kids growing up never having any memories of dad being there during the fun stuff.

OP’s posts: |
Nevertouchakoala Sun 31-May-20 12:54:26

His priorities are wrong. Who cares if he’s tired just suck it up! With children you get out what you put in. You don’t have to be go go go all the time but surely he could muster some energy for a couple of hours of family time. He sounds selfish to me.

PatricksRum Sun 31-May-20 12:56:32

Who cares if he’s tired just suck it up!

Disagree entirely.
That is his only day off. Isn't there anything he can do inside with dc? A board game, reading a book?

LouiseTrees Sun 31-May-20 12:57:48

Get the kids to pull him up on stuff like “dad I thought we were going for a bike ride”, “dad how come most other people only work 5 days”. It sounds more innocent from the mouth of a child.

Waveysnail Sun 31-May-20 12:58:03

Has he always been like this?

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 31-May-20 13:00:10

If financially it wouldn't be a problem then he needs to stop working Saturdays. If he wont do that then I'd take that as he does not prioritise his family enough and I would reassess if that is what I wanted for mine and my children's life.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 31-May-20 13:00:12

He’s a parent, he doesn’t get to spend the one day a week he’s not working also having a day off parenting. How well can he know his children if he never spends any time with them?

OP, my dad was like this, my mum divorces him and on our contact weekends, when he HAD to not work, we finally started getting to know him.

tartanbow Sun 31-May-20 13:01:20

@Nevertouchakoala I agree with you. with young children,me and partner both work and both get broken sleep. we always make an effort to do something together over the weekend

Nevertouchakoala Sun 31-May-20 13:02:12

@PatricksRum but he’s not a single childless man. You don’t get a day off from family. You don’t get a day off from kids. This is his life now. Why do some people fight against that? When you have kids you don’t get to lay around all day doing your own thing as it’s “his only day off” I think that’s just a bit pathetic really.

picklemewalnuts Sun 31-May-20 13:10:46

You've got to reframe this.
Stop calling it his day off, it's his family day.

Ok, DH, you aren't working Sunday so that's our family day. What shall we do? Shall we have a cooked meal together or have a picnic in the garden? Do you want to play a board game or have a kick about? You choose, we'll just be glad to spend time with you.

We have a cooked breakfast together on Saturdays, so it gets DS1 out of bed before noon. I ring the changes- pancakes, fry up, american biscuits etc. Maybe do that as a brunch on a Sunday, the children can help you cook it.

ShawshanksRedemption Sun 31-May-20 13:44:29

I would ask, does he enjoy being with the kids? Or does he find it hard? Does he see them during the week at all after he comes home from work?

I think he's got into a rut of working hard for his business, and that's now his normal. He somehow needs to understand that whilst working hard and running a business is valuable (extremely so if he's the only finance provider), it's at the expense of his family. Is this what he wants from life? Does he feel if he doesn't work as hard that the business is at risk? Do you work OP - could you take a bit of the financial burden if he was to drop working on a Saturday?

I think a good chat about how you both see things is overdue. Listen to each other and discuss what things you could change to help each other out.

BigDays Sun 31-May-20 15:15:43

Thanks all for your thoughts.

Yes I work too, Mon- Fri 9-5.

I do understand the whole 'its his only day off' thing but I do think he could be off more but just loves being in work. He's always talking about how much he likes being there. He's addicted to it.

I just hate the way he promises stuff to us and then never does it because he's always too tired.

He's started getting up even earlier to go in recently too it's gone from 6am to 5am, coming home at 7pm. So yes I imagine he's incredibly tired but I don't think the trade off should be us never getting to actually spend proper time with him, it should be him working less so that he's able to spend time with his family too.

OP’s posts: |
Ellisandra Sun 31-May-20 15:33:21

He’s choosing to opt out of family life. This isn’t about work - this is about him not wanting to do things with you and his children.
I get you see the point of your days off, as being days when you can do what you like - and what you like is fun with your kids.
He’s going in even earlier now?
It’s to escape you all.
I’m sorry, I know that’s really blunt.
I honestly think you’ve reached a point of counselling and then change or divorce.
Do not for one moment believe that this is just because he’s “tired”.

If you split up, do you think he’d be “too tired” to go out on dates with new women on a Sunday? I think not. It is ALL his choice angry

Ellisandra Sun 31-May-20 15:34:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

STAYTHEFUCKHOME Sun 31-May-20 15:47:47

LouiseTrees

Get the kids to pull him up on stuff like “dad I thought we were going for a bike ride”, “dad how come most other people only work 5 days”. It sounds more innocent from the mouth of a child.

Fuck no.

Ellisandra Sun 31-May-20 15:54:25

Also @LouiseTrees do you really a child commenting on another parent’s wirking days sounds INNOCENT?
No, it sounds exactly like what it is - mum being a shit parent, dragging children into things that shouldn’t concern them, and I would hit the roof if someone did that to my child.
Not that the OP has any plans to do it - but if she did, that level of emotional abuse of a child is worse that the opting out that dad is currently doing.
It’s shocking that you would post that angry

Chamomileteaplease Sun 31-May-20 15:58:24

I agree that a proper chat is in order. If you sat him down and said that you realise he loves his job but does he realise that he spends no quality time, or any time really with his wife and family? And does he care about that? Get him to talk. I would hope that he wouldn't say "well actually I love working 6 days a week and want one day to myself and I don't care that I don't see you or the kids".

Tell you you are absolutely serious about wanting him to have two days off a week and that his kids need him. And you need him.

He has probably justified it in his mind that he is providing but he needs to be told that he isn't being fair on anyone else.

Shamoo Sun 31-May-20 16:43:07

Does he have a job that requires him to work on a Saturday from a contracted hour perspective, or does he have a Monday-Friday contract but chooses to work on a Saturday? I know lots of men in the latter category (and a few women) and as you say they are addicted to work, but it’s a choice they make to work and not be with their families.

Shamoo Sun 31-May-20 16:43:49

Sorry just read it’s his own business! Ignore me! It’s a choice really then, I would argue.

Moumia Sun 31-May-20 17:11:11

I’m not sure how you can be proud of a man who can’t make a bit of time for his family

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