To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

[InfiniteSheldon]

Get a solicitor your earning potential is reduced because you had his child his isn't. Secondly he's made sure to pay for big capital assets letting you pay for day living expenses seriously not on. Get a solicitor and do not negotiate without one.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Can you afford a new suitable home on this?


Counter offer you want more in exchange for not staying in the house till they are 18?

[Blackforesthotchoc]

I wouldn't - whatever promises are there now, who knows whether they will continue - I imagine a lot of men promise to take care "above and beyond". Until a new gf or reason to spend comes along. Should start from split down the middle and go from there.

[BigBairyHollocks]

If the mortgage had been paid from your bank account, and he paid all the food, kids clubs, food for kids when out etc, you would feel that you were owed a heavier share.The fact that it didn’t, because you happened to split it with you paying for incidentals and doing full time child care, had enabled him to buy the house. 50/50 and nothing less, so £225k each is fair.

[Hassled]

You need proper legal advice. Don't rush into a decision - however long it takes to speak to a lawyer, speak to a lawyer.

[Ullupullu]

You are married. Split it 50/50.

[Nottherealslimshady]

50-50 split and a maintenance agreement in writing.
Based on kids living with you most of the time and you having taken career breaks to raise your joint children. He put more in but he also got more out, you're even.

Plus, I'm pretty sure the kids will benefit more from the money you get than the money he gets.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

I put yabu you need to seek legal advice.

[RJnomore1]

I’ve said YANBU because you’re the one who damaged their career to provide childcare.

I do think if he put the £150k deposit in from his own money he should get more, but his money back plus half the profit after doesn’t recognise what you put in and your financial loss from the marriage.

[RJnomore1]

Oh and yeah get a lawyer.

[Sleepingboy]

You dont mention his pension. That could be worth just as much as the house!

[mudpiemaker]

You need to speak to a lawyer before agreeing to anything. Find out your legal position first.

[Tavannach]

You need to get a good lawyer. You're looking after your children's interests as well as your own.

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

Thanks all so far.

There is no pension.

[C0RA]

What @InfiniteSheldon said. Get a lawyer now.

[Whoopsmahoot]

Get a solicitor, pensions etc need to b taken into account

[HeddaGarbled]

He’s having a fucking laugh. Sod amicable and get legal advice now before he screws you over completely.

[C0RA]

And remember the shares, bonds, insurance and pension are also marital assets. As a PP said, they may be worth more than the house.

[Nevertouchakoala]

Are you not entitled to half? Get a solicitor.
.

[HavelockVetinari]

Get a solicitor immediately. You can't make this decision based on random folks opinions from the internet.

[C0RA]

There is no pension

Really? Neither of you have paid a penny into your pensions , despite your well paid jobs ??

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I've put YANBU, as you definitely need legal advice here. He's been able to retain his earning potential on the back of you taking on the bulk of the child rearing. I know you say that things are amicable, and that's great. But please, please don't assume it will stay that way, and that he'll stick to his word. Anything can happen, and you'd be foolish to enter into any sort of settlement without a cut and dried legal arrangement.

Also, just wanted to draw your attention to a possible typo in your voting explanation - in both scenarios you've put "to not take this offer". It's obvious what you mean, but anyone skim reading might not pick it up, and it would skew your results.

[MattBerrysHair]

Definitely get proper legal advice. You have to take into account your earning potential being reduced due to years out raising children, whilst his has been unaffected by parenting.

[LouHotel]

A couple of years ago the laws on pensions in the uk changed he would of had to actively opt o out of paying in a pension- he is having you on.

Don't be naive get a lawyer.

[FOJN]

I agree with PP, you need legal advice. What he had before marriage and children, 10 years ago, is irrelevant, they're all marital assets now.