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What should I do with my life?

(21 Posts)
Noti23 Sat 30-May-20 00:05:54

I’m stuck. I’ve done everything “backwards”. I graduated uni at 21 and had my child 5 months later. My question is, how should I lead my life now? I’m not asking because I’m too weak to make those decisions by myself but I’d like to know what you’d do in my shoes.

So, my son is nearly 18 months and I’m nearly 23. I’m with a supportive partner, who I trust and who would always be faithful to me and whatever family I decide I’d like (he’s flexible to the number of children we have). Nevertheless, he’s basically not domesticated- a bit of a piggy when it comes to the house. But other than that I can’t complain, he’s a family man.

I always dreamed of having a family and children, just never ever this young
(I thought I’d be at least 28). I’m happy but it’s bloody hard, especially financially. I’ve just started working part-time again and now we have the opportunity to buy our own home after being gifted a small deposit (we would never have been able to do this with our son on our own, so we’re incredibly lucky).

I just want to ask when you’d decide to have another child in our position?

I really don’t feel like another, though I know I’d want one one day, and I wouldn’t have another until we buy our own home (which hopefully we’ll be able to do in a year). Basically, there’s 10 years between me and my sibling and, although I love him very much, I always felt lonely as a child. I feel like I shouldn’t have more than a 3-4 year age gap between my child and the next sibling even though I’m not sure that’s going to work for me? What would you do?

I didn’t plan to have a child young, while pretty broke! I always thought I’d have two children close together while I was older and more financially stable. I just feel so bad for my son for not giving him this reality sad

P.s I’m sorry for the ramble

OP’s posts: |
salema Sat 30-May-20 00:19:47

What else do you want from life, other than more children? If I was you I think I’d be pursuing my career. You don’t have to map out your whole life now. You can plan your next child when the time feels right. I had two children close in age and it’s been incredibly hard at times. Why do you mention your DP’s lack of domesticity - is this something that worries you when you think about the future? Do you plan to marry?

LilyMarshall Sat 30-May-20 00:22:18

Focus on your career. Dont stay part time for long. Youll sacrifice savings and pension.

Also, him not pulling his weight at home is not acceptable. That needs dealing with.

headlock Sat 30-May-20 00:24:29

If I were in your shoes I would go for the 3-4 year age gap as you suggest. It's nice to have a sibling without too much of a gap. There is a 4 year gap between mine and I wish it was a little less.
You could get back on the career path when your second is ready for nursery/school?

headlock Sat 30-May-20 00:25:47

It depends how ambitious you are career wise though.

bookishtartlet Sat 30-May-20 00:31:31

Personally I would pursue a career and secure a home now. I had my son at 30 so was established in my career, but have since been promoted. I'm now 5 years later expecting my second, i wasnt in a hurry to have another though. We have a better house now, things are more laid back from the first time round. You're still so young that you can do what you like and it will work out though. Both my sisters had two kids by 21 and did University in their 30s. They did struggle financially for a long time, and it was some thing I wanted to avoid personally.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 30-May-20 00:35:06

* just want to ask when you’d decide to have another child in our position?*

There's seven years between my sibling and I, which I feel is too much, in my own experiences I think 2-4 years is optimal.

FloralStreet Sat 30-May-20 00:36:24

Reading between the lines it seems that you don't want another child at the monent.
That's ok. You're still young & have plenty of time in the future.
Live your life to the fullest until you are ready to have another child.

54321GoGoGo Sat 30-May-20 00:41:09

Do what makes you happy. It's you and your family's happiness. Make the best choice available to you.

Don't be hard on yourself, be kind.
Your career is not a competition, nice to feel challenged but don't let that take over your beliefs

fuzzymoon Sat 30-May-20 00:44:38

I could have this wrong but I wonder if you see yourself with your partner long term. You don't talk about him with love.

You have another child when it fits in with your life.

What future plans do you have career wise. Where do you see yourself ?

ShastaBeast Sat 30-May-20 00:55:38

Have one is a lot easier than two. It’s cheaper and less stressful and you can give one more of yourself without feeling like you can’t be yourself anymore. It’s a nice balance.

With two you are properly absorbed into the “having kids” side of life and it’s harder to make time for yourself and your career. Kids also fight and different needs so you are stretched more thinly and juggling more balls. I have two and think they’d both have been better off as singles. They have time where they enjoy each other but most days it’s refereeing fights and separating them. And later on it’s one wanting to do X and the other Y so we just stay home and do nothing.

Don’t have a child soon because of fitting some norm that says you should. There are lots of benefits to having one child, for you and the child. It’s also better to get a mortgage before a second as more kids = less money lent due to affordability. Go enjoy being young with just one and having a bit more freedom - it’s easier finding babysitters or leaving them with your OH.

Popc0rn Sat 30-May-20 00:57:44

I'd buy a house and have a second baby as soon as. It's nice to have a close age gap between siblings, but it also means that you'll get your freedom back sooner grin. If you have your second (and potentially last) baby at 24/25, you'll basically get your life back before you're 40. Which probably sounds old to you, but it really isn't.

But if you don't feel like you want another baby, then hold off for now. There's nothing wrong with having or being an only child. Only you know what's right for you. Do you see yourself with your partner long term? Your post kinda makes it seem like it's a convenient relationship more than a loving one.

DamnYankee Sat 30-May-20 00:59:10

No to another baby! Mine are 4 years apart and I am not as young as you. It was not planned, but they get along beautifully...
Why do you think your son will suffer? He will have no reality than what you give him. Don't project what you felt on to your child. It's hard not to do, I know...sad
Given the current environment...craft out a flexible career. What do you want to do?

DamnYankee Sat 30-May-20 01:03:13

* Nevertheless, he’s basically not domesticated- a bit of a piggy when it comes to the house*

Hopefully not a hoarder...??
Maybe just needs expectations spelled out?
My DH is a software engineer and is much more organized than "clean."
I am much more clean than neat.
There we go.

Colom Sat 30-May-20 01:05:09

If I were you I would honestly wait. I know it may not be "ideal" to have a large age gap but I think it would be even less ideal to have a second child you're not ready for (it's very different/harder having two DC IME).

Get back to building your career if that's what you want and get your foot on the property ladder. Then see how you feel about it.

I'd be concerned what would happen if the relationship went south (don't accept a "piggy" BTW) and you ended up a single mum to two DC with no work experience and no roof over your heads - now THAT wouldn't be ideal.

ArriettyJones Sat 30-May-20 01:27:30

You are being much too harsh on yourself.

Personally, if finances allow, I would start building a part time CV, but also complete your family quickly and then aim to start professional training in your late 20s.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays Sat 30-May-20 02:06:18

Are you pregnant now OP?

Wewearpinkonwednesdays Sat 30-May-20 02:17:06

You say you wouldn't have planned to have another now? In my shoes I went with the flow. I had my first at 18, I was alone. I met my partner, I had my second at 23. I would rather have had my second earlier but I hadn't met the right person. I would say, do whatever you feel is right for you. No one can tell you what is best in your situation.
If I was you I would go ahead and have another child now. A lot of people wouldn't. All depends on how you feel.

CorianderLord Sat 30-May-20 02:29:54

You're so young, stop fretting. I'm 25, still very young and feel like I've barely touched what I can do. If you want kids close in age have another and get it done with. If not look for an entry job/ apprenticeship

CorianderLord Sat 30-May-20 02:31:52

Btw my partner is an only - he's sad he didn't have a sibling (his brother died age 2) but he is the most balanced human I've ever met. Ever.

Noti23 Sun 31-May-20 23:32:47

Thank you all so much for all the replies! I’ve got so much to think about and I appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to comment.

Firstly, I won’t have a second child until we own our own home anyway- even if it takes 10 years or so! I did have quite high career ambitions before having ds, which have been put on the back peddle due to childcare issues as I’d have to gain a lot of unpaid experience first. Furthermore, I could have chosen full-time hours but decided against it as I want the tome with ds (and it wouldn’t be worth it with nursery fees). To my surprise, I’ve loved becoming a mum. I adored the “baby stage” and all the newborn stuff despite always thinking newborns looked like little prunes! But the truth is, no, I don’t feel like another child yet. I feel like I can manage one child and have a little bit of a life for myself as I have a very supportive family (1st grandchild on both sides, which helps, but this will change and so will commitments)...but I feel guilty about that, I feel like I should have another so my existing son has the nice sibling experience that I didn’t have (which dp did have). Also, my dp isn’t as bad as I make him seem, I’m quite a practical person so I think about my life in such ways, he will clean when I tell him but having ADHD he struggles a lot with task management- though I still curse him for it! Basically, I have a longing for another child (and maybe another after) but feel guilty for deciding to have another child when i want it?

i just feel like my son is getting the shit 1st child experience, when we’re both broke and living in a tiny and unpleasant house in an area we hate, with no siblings, holidays or anything and then we could go on to have another (and maybe another) when we’re better off and give our other children a much better childhood?

OP’s posts: |

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