How do I break up with my partner?

[BellsOfStClement]

I feel so lost. Lockdown has got me questioning everything, down to my sexuality and my relationship. I’ve been with my partner since university. I’m 31, and we were thinking of having babies in the next couple of years. I love him, and I feel like he’s a fundamental part of my life. But recently I’ve been thinking I might be gay, and I feel like we should break up now before having children together, even though I want to have children with him so badly. I’ve spoken to him and he’s confused, and thinks this might be my anxiety talking, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while really.

We own a house together. How do we break up? Literally, how? Do we have space first whilst I move into my parents for a month and we decide what to do? This couldn’t be until after lockdown anyway as my parents are vulnerable. Is 31 too old to start again? I want to have babies and he’s amazing. I feel so unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

How do you break up with someone you thought you would spend your life with? How do you break up with someone you love? I’m so unhappy 😞

[BellsOfStClement]

Anyone? I feel like my heart is breaking.

[alwaysthinkingofsleep]

If you are thinking this now you need to act. However hard it is, it will be harder more years down the line with children.

I'm not gay. But if you can answer that he isnt the one you want to be with then surely that's your answer? A desire to have children is never the reason to stay together.

In terms of doing it, one of you moves out, you settle up the cash by selling it remortgaging or you stay together & do the aforementioned (not advisable) xxx

If may seem awful now, but living a lie is worse. 31 is not too late to start again but you owe it to yourself & your partner to make changes now

[CatFaceCats]

Honestly, you’re not too old! I’m 38 and separated from my partner of 11 years just before lockdown. We have 2 children and a house together.
We both decided together, so it was amicable. But personally, I haven’t once regretted it.
I don’t feel old and alone, I feel happy and free!
Good luck to you, whatever you decide :)

[Neverender]

You're not too old but in the words from frozen people make bad decisions when they're mad or stressed or scared. Maybe wait for all of this current stuff to die down and then see?

FWIW I moved to London on my own at 30 and it was great so you're not too old - just be sure before you do it...

[BellsOfStClement]

Thank you everyone. @always thank you for the practical tips. @Catface I’m glad you’re feeling happy now. @Neverender that’s interesting about the bad decisions. I feel like it would be hard to do anything concrete until all this madness is over anyway. Just feel so panicked and stressed by everything.

[Sparklesocks]

31 is not too old to start again.
Yes the practicalities may be stressful at times and break ups are never easy, but it will be worth it for the relief you’ll feel when you’re no longer tearing yourself apart with anguish about staying with someone you no longer want to be with romantically.

[Prettyconfused]

@Neverender

You're not too old but in the words from frozen people make bad decisions when they're mad or stressed or scared. Maybe wait for all of this current stuff to die down and then see?

FWIW I moved to London on my own at 30 and it was great so you're not too old - just be sure before you do it...

I did the same. Happily married to somebody else now, living a life that I didn’t consider possible before. Lots of opportunities out there and lots of fun to be had too.
But don’t do anything until you can think clearly and aren’t stressed to bits :)

[oldpaint]

there's many different relationship models, these days. You could be a throuple and have both a male and female long term partner, you could get into swinging and have regular sessions with other people, you could, if he's okay with it, both see other people separately while maintaining your current relationship. You could split, and still, if you're both on the same page, co-parent.

I'm not suggesting that any of these scenarios are good/bad, moral/immoral, wise or not, but, it's the 21st century: you have options, depending on his and your own views and values. The whole strictly one woman one man or two women thing doesn't have to be the only option. 31 isn't too old to start again, either. So long as you're able to be honest with each other, and you're both on the same page, you can make most things work out, should you want to.

[Aretheystillasleepbob]

You sell the house and split the equity or he buys you out. You should contact a solicitor about practical steps.
You can have children with a woman - I have- or perhaps this man just isn’t the one for you.
You have plenty of time, your young, don’t get stuck in a relationship because you’re scared of changing it... it’ll be much harder down the road when you are married, or have more financial ties, or children.

[fuzzyduck1]

You can break up now with him. Move into the spare room. Start living separate lives. Forget the idea of having kids with him that’s not fair on either of you.
If you want kids when you have split that should be your decision don’t involve him at all.
It’s not going to be much fun until this lockdown is over and you can move out.
Is he in the same frame of mind or is he going to think why have I wasted the last 10+ years of my life.

[Nanny0gg]

Any chance you can access counselling? If you're not sure if you're gay or not it might help you clear your thoughts by talking to someone.

[BellsOfStClement]

Thank you for your replies, everyone. @Nanny0gg, yes, I have started some counseling but I’m not sure how much it’s helping. I seem to be going round in circles. @fuzzyduck1 I have spoken to him, and he’s hoping this is something we can work through. And no, he doesn’t think he’s wasted 10 years of his life - I disagree with that idea too, and don’t think that’s very fair - we have had some really brilliant times. @oldpaint thank you for the reminder about the possibility of unconventional relationships. Particularly co-parenting amicably and deciding to have children after breaking up, if that’s what we both want. Thank you.