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Husband not defending me(24 Posts)
I realise how trivial this sounds but it's really wound me up and I would like to know if AIBU for feeling annoyed at my husband.
Our dc is involved in a hobby and we have a WhatsApp group for all parents and the coaches.
A while ago I had a run in with E, she basically took a comment I made to be a personal attack on her, it was not and non of the other parents or coaches took offence. It was very minor, she made a rude comment in response and I pulled her up on it, end of issue.
This week she was conversing with my husband within the WhatsApp group and made a hugely derogatory comment that was about me, but without naming me. There was no one else it could be meant for.
My husband chose to ignore it and not say anything.
I have notifications turned off for the group so I have only just scrolled through the chat and seen that she has made the comment and asked my husband who said "oh, yeh I thought it best not to tell you about it".
I feel he should have said something to E, either on the group or privately, and he also should have told me.
Trying not to drip feed, but there have been other instances in the past where DH has not backed me or supported me for fear of upsetting virtual strangers/acquaintances.
Let her be silly. It would look bad on your husband and you if he got over protective. By not reacting, he's just let her look silly.
I think your husband is right to ignore it, the only other option is getting baited into some petty drama. Just leave her to it, she'll get bored when she doesn't get the attention she's after.
I've had this with my OH many a time and tbh it's one of the reasons I'm not happy with him, and I am planning on parting. There are so many other reasons why though, so I'm not saying Ltb over that alone!
I don't think your husband starting a barney on a group WhatsApp would have been appropriate and would just feed into the drama. I would have been very uncomfortable if I were another parent having to endure it, rather than just thinking Sharon was being a bit of a cock with her indirect comment.
Yes I do see where you are all coming from, I wouldn't want a public argument but I do think he should have at least told me or pulled her up privately, instead he continued to have a conversation/banter with her over something different.
YABU. It wasn't his argument to get involved with.
Men are a bit thick when it comes this - a really bitchy comment from another woman can go completely under men’s radar. And men generally don’t want to get involved even when it becomes obvious. There is a dismissive attitude ‘oh it’s just women cat fighting - nothing important’. Me and my DH have had words over the years about it because he’s naturally friendly and a peace maker but I see it, like you OP, as being disloyal to me if he subsequently ends up being jokey and smiley to the woman concerned.
I agree that causing beef in the group chat is not a good idea but I’d certainly be spelling out in words of one syllable why he’d upset me and how to avoid doing it again.
I think he is in the right- by completely ignoring it, it shows that the comment is not the case as it hasn’t hit a spot with him at all- if he reacted, it would have shown that yes, the comment did cause a reaction so the comment must have some traction...does that make sense?
For instance, Susan comments in the group to parents how feeding children pasta is terrible and all parents that do are not worth being parents......no one in the group mentions it and just ignores it.....John comes along, takes offence and starts to stay something....John obviously feeds his kids pasta.....(so do all the other parents, but don’t care what Susan thinks as her opinion means nothing to them, so no reaction is needed)
Hope that makes sense??
That would annoy me. I’m pretty sure my DH would have said ‘I hope you’re not talking about CoronaMoaner’ and then shut down the conversation if she said she was.
I wouldn’t expect him to have a go at her but I also would be pissed off if he’s just going along with the conversation and having ‘banter’ because it would feel to me like she’d be sitting there feeling like pretty smug.
If he pulled her up on her privately he would still be feeding into her drama. If she sees he's just completely ignored her comments about you and carried on with a normal conversation she will probably feel rather stupid about her childish behaviour that your husband has chosen not to dignify with a response. Besides, these things never stay private, if she got told off by your husband it will be something else for her to gossip and moan about to others.
If he pulled her up for it she would do "I didn't mean her, but if it fits... Well."
He could ignore it without engaging in jokey banter with her on other matters though.
Thanks @omg for saying what I wrote 2 paragraphs to explain in just 2 lines!!
(That’s just me all over! Have to go all around the houses!) 🤦🏻♀️😂
@Snowdown24 yours made sense and it was wonderfully written!
If she didn’t name you it might nit have been about you. He might not have connected it to you.
I think he did the right thing ignoring her, those kinds of people just want a rise out of you and when they don’t get it they will feel stupid.
When you say 'pulled her up on it' regarding her rude comment, do you mean
- no, no, Sharon, it was not directed at you, no offence meant!
- how dare you speak to me like that, you are well out of order
If it was the second, you should not have said it, IMHO. It takes two to fight, and you stepped up to it at that point. Hence the ongoing hostilities. The only way to stop it is to stop responding.
When I pulled her up on her comment (6 months ago now!) I said "No E, I did not mention your dc name it was a comment related to everyone and not one single child so please don't take offence".
She then slagged me off on fb which I ignored.
I guess by the response I am being unreasonable being annoyed with my husband.
Ah, that was a good comment to make.
But she still took delight in reacting further.
Even so, the saying goes not to feed the trolls.
She can't argue with a brick wall and will just make gerself look stupid.
Let it go if you can. DH did right.
She probably wanted to provoke a reaction and was very disappointed when it didn't work. I suspect your husband was right to ignore it.
I don't think you are. Not completely. I get it he doesn't want a scene but the idea she's sitting there all smug thinking he's on her side would piss me off big time. She's obviously spoiling for a fight and this wasn't a first comment. What a bitch.
It sounds like E loves being surrounded by, or the creator of, drama. She also sounds very spiteful. She was no doubt goading your husband and hoping for a retaliation and will probably be slightly miffed that she didn't get it, so just watch that she doesn't attempt to get even more goady now as she got away with this one. I don't blame your husband for not acknowledging her attempts to belittle or embarrass you but I think I would be a bit pissed off if he continued to banter and joke with her afterwards. I guess just ask him to be a bit more respectful if it happens again and maintain a dignified silence with her.
I don't think it would've been appropriate to pull her up on it on a group WhatsApp chat (and definitely not privately!) but I wouldn't be impressed if he engaged in friendly banter with her after a comment like that.
On the other hand, him ignoring it and carrying on regardless and you apparently ignoring it too, shows to everyone you are the better people in this.
My DH used to be a bit like this. He's pretty laid-back and friendly, so sometimes things like this went over his head. I did pull him up on it a few times and he gets it now but he's also chilled me out a bit too!
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