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(34 Posts)
day2day12 Thu 28-May-20 15:25:34

I am a long term poster but changed my user name as this could be outing!
So I am having a dilemma!
Been with DH for nearly 10 years and I think the wool is coming off my face.

I work 13 hours a day self employed and he takes all my Funds except what I save for tax claiming it is for bills.
I have nothing!
No money for clothes zilch.
I wanted a baby he said no because he is afraid I will Die I have t1 diabetes.
I think this us just an excuse.
He has a Ds from a previous marriage, but that's a different story.
He's never really looked after him his GP did but that was mostly down to them playing games etc
Anyway I'm in my late 30s thinking I want another baby he promised me a family and I know that I have been a fool.
My aibu is
Should I leave him?
My DD who is now a young adult left our home to live with her dad because of his psychotic mother coming in yelling, I did not leave then because I personally had nowhere to go.
He sees his family every day and his son (they live on our street) unfortunately.

I can't see DD Every day she lives an hour away and I don't drive.
I have no support network at all I am totally alone in this world.

All he does is take take take from me money wise etc.

I suggested his DS was autistic or on the spectrum.
I was ignored called for it in fact.
One of his friends suggests it suddenly he takes notice and he presto he is!
He thinks nothing of taking himself off golfing with the lads.

He even took himself 3 years ago to play golf my mum broke her hip so I could see her I had to stay at hers with the dog and catch 3 busses there and back to hospital every day while he went golfing.

My 30th bday
He took his best friend to a four star hotel for a golf break with his DS.
Actually on my bday
I collapsed in town as I was getting 6 buses a day to look after my dad who had a stroke I collapsed due to being ill.
He didn't even come back.
I think I have just lost it.
When I ask what do I get he says you get a home and stability!
Please be kind my mental health is suffering x

OP’s posts: |
ScarfLadysBag Thu 28-May-20 15:27:11

Read that post back to yourself. I think the answer is pretty obvious.

1Morewineplease Thu 28-May-20 15:35:24

This isn’t a relationship, he’s abusing you and is being very cruel.
You’re not getting anything from this relationship at all . I’m not surprised you’re struggling with your mental health.
My heart goes out to you.

MummBraTheEverLeaking Thu 28-May-20 15:36:52

Bloody hell OP, run for the hills. He is a top grade bastard. flowers

user8558 Thu 28-May-20 15:37:42

Oh my good god leave and don't look back.

Why on earth have you wasted precious years with this man?

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 28-May-20 15:37:48

Lovely take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror
Then say fuck this shit, and fuck him
Don't give him your money
Change any bank details etc
Go find your ducks and start a row of them
Don't tell him anything
Make your plans to leave or kick his arse out

pumpkinbump Thu 28-May-20 15:40:01

Jesus. Get rid of him. It's almost like he's holding you hostage but you have been so used to being abused for so long that even when he leaves the cage door open, you don't leave. Get away from him and do it quickly.

DeliaOwens Thu 28-May-20 15:42:00

OP, if your friend wrote this to you, what would you say to her?
That is your answer.
I can tell you one thing...I would rather be at peace in a one bedroom flat, nearer to my daughter that put up with half of what you are dealing with.
Please contact for some help and guidance.

Fairybatman Thu 28-May-20 15:44:20

Stop giving him your money, refuse to give him anything unless he shows you a breakdown of all the bills, if necessary open a new bank account that he doesn’t have access to and send your earnings and savings there.

Gather as much info as you can about mortgage bank statements etc.

Since there is no July payment on account, take some of your set-aside tax money and pay a deposit on rental.

Quietly start packing stuff he won’t miss or ‘decluttering’ and drop it at the new place at with family.

When you are ready, walk away and never look back.

MyOwnSummer Thu 28-May-20 16:01:54

OP do you have a smartphone and a UK passport or driving license to hand?

If yes to both, you can open a Monzo account today from home. All you need to do is download the app, and then to verify your identity they get you to take a picture of your ID and then a video of yourself saying "please give me an account" or similar. It is as easy as that, and you card will come in the post a couple of days later. It might be worth using a different address or waiting for the postman if he is prone to stealing or opening your mail.

What he is doing is a crime - this is coercive control and financial abuse. You have got to get out!

Of course, if you have a gut feeling that he could get violent or aggressive, you should talk to Women's Aid first. Your safety comes first.


LouiseTrees Thu 28-May-20 16:21:42

Move in with your ex and older child if you really need to (unless he was just as bad). This guy sounds terrible and you answered your own question in the title of the post.

IamBeautifulFullStop Thu 28-May-20 16:58:14

Leave and leave quickly.

You sound like a smart lady so you know the answer that is right for you.

I think you need support which is what you will get here but other people can't make this move for you.

Just think, if this was a friend telling you this, what would you tell them? Run run run is what you would say.

IamBeautifulFullStop Thu 28-May-20 16:59:39

Does he hit you?

tiredybear Thu 28-May-20 17:15:48

Read back what you've written. I don't think this is a dilemma, you know, but the truth is, understandably, scary.

Lots of good advice from knowledgeable people here. Lots of support if you need it. Good luck.

day2day12 Fri 29-May-20 06:39:55

Thank you everyone for your advice I know deep down although I do love him that he won't change.
He is not physically abusive he does not come across as abusive at all he comes across as loving.

Yet when I confront him he just cry's says sorry and that he will try to change but never does. sad

OP’s posts: |
BayandBlonde Fri 29-May-20 06:43:52

The tears are fake! Don't fall for the bullshit. Seriously you need to leave him.

Do you rent or own a home together?

BayandBlonde Fri 29-May-20 06:46:37

To add, if he is loving and not at all abusive, why are you giving him all your money?

Bleepbloopblarp Fri 29-May-20 06:50:12

Going on a golf trip on my birthday would’ve been enough to end it for me.

Sorry OP, he doesn’t really give a shit about you - it sounds like he just uses you for money and uses crocodile tears when you threaten to leave as he doesn’t want to lose the income he gets from you.

Your poor dd too!

Allinadaystwerk Fri 29-May-20 06:57:03

Sounds like an awful life. He will continue to do what ever you allow him to do. Take some control back, bit by bit if its easier that way. I'd start with the money. Does he work?
Get a new account where you place a % of your earning to cover the bills. Block him from the one where all your earnings go and your savings account. He is very selfish and sounds like he has emotionally abused you to the point where you dont know if you are coming or going. But you can change things. If you really want to

pilates Fri 29-May-20 07:03:28

God I’ve never read such an easy post to answer.


Get your life back and be happy!

MyDogPatch Fri 29-May-20 07:05:16

Echo other people and say: read your own post.

I think you will make the right decision.

Good luck OP thanks

understandmenow Fri 29-May-20 07:10:01

Shocking .... LTB thanks

day2day12 Fri 29-May-20 07:34:04

It is really making me question what really happened with his exW
He claims she spent money on credit cards but did he just take her money too?
She left him and married another man had 3 more kids.

He had the snip when his DS was 5 which leads me to think he never wanted more kids and just lied to me.
When I say that to him, he simply says I didn't want more kids with her!
I promised to get a reversal with me but never did.
I do love him but this is not life.

OP’s posts: |
Fucktacula Fri 29-May-20 07:56:54

How is he taking your money?

zscaler Fri 29-May-20 07:58:35

This is no life OP - you know that. He’s an abuser and he doesn’t care about you.

The sooner you leave him the happier you will be.

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